I don’t know about you, but I often struggle to believe that time is my friend.  I often struggle to believe that the load I’m carrying is even currently manageable…..or worse – Is it even sustainable in the long run? I’ve learned the hard way that I cannot control much of anything at all, despite my best efforts to do so.

The truth is:  Most days it’s a struggle to get even 15 minutes to sit and breathe.  It doesn’t help that my mind is programmed to believe that productivity is vital at all times.  The biggest problem is, I get overwhelmed by my massive to-do list.  I get so overwhelmed that nothing gets done at all.  For every big task I get done, two unexpected ones get added.  If I do get 10 minutes to try to tackle any given task, I either end up with a phone call, an unexpected favor that’s been asked of me…..or maybe, I catch my two year old coloring on the walls yet again. Yes.  Think of “Harold and the Purple Crayon.”  That’s our current situation, and then some.  Little man always seems to find those writing utensils no matter where I store them (of course he gets into everything else right now, too).  He’s a joyful tornado, if you can imagine that.

And the mess.  It’s everywhere.  I mean, everywhere.  Our bar area is covered by random knick-knacks, pages ripped out of books, loose change, pens that don’t work and buttons that have popped off.  You’ll also find random chargers, hair ties, clippers, broken toys and owner’s manuals.  And let’s not forget the stack of papers I still need to read, analyze, sign, return, file, etc. And the laundry obnoxiously piles up before I can even put away the last load.  If I were to detail everything I’m behind on, this blog would turn into a boring book.  It all looks and feels embarrassing if I’m fully honest.

“I’ll get to it tomorrow,” I tell myself.

This full-time working outside the home AND as a stay-at-home mom, “life,” is exhausting to put it mildly.  And only those closest to us truly know everything my current life entails AND demands.  But, I also know, 20 years from now, I’ll be glad I fully took on “the hard,” instead of running from it.

And, I really, really do try.  I’m trying to be disciplined, but the messes, and “the messages” on my phone, computer and mailbox often hit me like a ton of bricks.  I often feel like the average day brings a lot of “unexpected nonsense” which keeps me from the bigger priorities.

……..Anyone else feel that way?

And….I’ve always heard, “chase 2 rabbits, and both get away.” Many days I feel like I have 200 rabbits on the go and 100 fires burning.  And, while trying to figure out which one to attend to first, I get overwhelmed and give up.   If my head were a computer, I’d have 200 tabs open and running at all times.  “Which priority is the BIGGEST priority?” is a question I silently ask myself often.

And, I’ve been trying so hard to maximize my time.  I’ve been trying to work with what I DO have for time, instead of dwelling on what I don’t have for time.  I’ve had to learn to be creative.  I’ve had to learn to spot “not-so-obvious, opportunities” for time with God, time to catch a breath. Every school pickup turns into a “prayer drive” afterwards.  I grab a coffee, a quencher or a smoothie for me, and two dairy-free smoothies for the kiddos.  We drive down that beautiful side road on our way home, as if it’s our first time looking at those gorgeous mountains in the distance.  We pray, we worship, we reflect.  This is how I want them to know me.  Sure, mommy probably lost her patience earlier that day, and may be on the struggle bus again that night….but, I want them to know that praise and worship is what I’ll always return to.

Yes.  As hard as it may be –  I’m trying really hard to give God my first 15 minutes of the day (which is Clara’s drive to school M-F), my middle of the day 15 (or a full hour), and my last 15.  I find my last 15 to be the most challenging.  Give God your first 15 and your last 15 was pre-marital counseling advice Kyle and I received from the fabulous Rob Simms of Joy Church.  I haven’t always abided by this priceless advice, but I also have never forgotten it either.  I always eventually default back to this goal.  I find it to be so key.

I recently heard another pastor say, “if you speak about lack of time, you’ll have lack of time.”

I recall another saying, “I’m too busy to NOT spend time with God.”

And so, I’m trying.  I listen to church services and/or inspirational videos while I fold the laundry, wash dishes or shower.  Sitting and waiting on my car to receive its maintenance is now basically a spa day for me.  I now see the smallest openings as opportunities vs. a lack of time.

As I write this blog, I’m multi-tasking both kids.  Weston thinks we are playing pickleball together.  So in between each sentence, I’m literally serving the ball as far as I can across the house.  I take my free 30 seconds before he returns the ball, to write another sentence or form another thought.

((Please Lord…..help this blog entry to make sense.  Help it to not have 101 errors that I don’t even have time to spot before I hit the publish button)).

So, yes.  I’m trying to clean, declutter, organize, execute, and be a whole lot to a lot of people these days.

BUT…..

Despite the mess, despite the chaos….the good Lord meets me right there in the midst of it.  Every time.  He’s right there with me as I’m literally running through the living room obstacle course of random junk, trying not to trip.  He’s right there with me, as I’m launching both kids into their car seats knowing I don’t have any time to spare.  And, he’s right there with me as I’m behind that slow-moving dump truck that is going to make me 2 minutes late for that important appointment.  And when I ask him the best alternative route when I come upon that train that’s stopped on the tracks…..he is faithful to remind me of the best way to get 45 minutes away, on time.  He’s right there with me when I feel exhausted, defeated, unheard….and right there when I experience life’s victories too.

He is always faithful.  But, I’m still learning to remember, “My times are in your hands.”

But I know it’s true.  I know that even when I feel like I don’t have time, I can be assured that he will provide me with time…even if it looks like more multitasking again.  He will maximize what I do have.  He’s the captain of this ship after all.  The less manageable and sustainable this feels, the more I lean on him.  The more I know I need to trust him, to be my strength, to be my guide, and to be the one who goes before me.  The more I remember when he says:  “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And sometimes I simply have to remind myself:  He can do more in 15 minutes than I can do in 15 years.  He can turn it all around in the blink of an eye.

Again, our times are in his hands…..and his hands have never failed…..and they never will.

**************************

((Key verses)):

My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. (Psalm 31:15)

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5:15-16)

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.  (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.  The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:8-9)

The post “My Times Are In Your Hands”: Modestly Managing “Mommy Madness” appeared first on Homestead Holly.

However, I’ve had plenty of experiences with the unsolicited advice and unwelcome jabs people like to give.  The sweet elderly lady who says one of these unwelcome statements and doesn’t mean anything by it generally doesn’t bother me.  It’s the obvious nosiness, jabs and slams that do.  It’s the comments from my fellow women who SHOULD KNOW BETTER that sometimes do. But honestly, it doesn’t just happen to me.  It happens to WOMEN everywhere….whether single or in a relationship….whether a parent or not.  

I hear these stories over and over again.  In fact, other’s stories is what ultimately inspired me to write this PSA.  Believe it or not, I actually am not writing this because of anything that in particular that has happened to me personally.  I cannot put my finger on anything recent that has impacted me negatively.  I just feel like it’s time I speak out on our behalf…….and I feel like it’s time I say it louder for the ones in the back! 

[If you’ve said one or more than one of these, it’s okay.  We’ve all been there to some level.  Let’s just all learn to do better.  How bout that]?

Without further ado…..here we go:

1.  “Why are you still single?  Aren’t you just about 30?  Isn’t it time you settle down and start a family?  What about your friend such and such?  Have you ever thought about dating them?”

Okay, I snuck a “5 in 1” in point number one, but I couldn’t pick just one.  I STILL get irritated for my single friends and feel total empathy when they get these kinds of comments made to them.  Why?  Because I remember this time in my life so well.  I made a promise to forever be an advocate for the single women in the world, and I have held to that.  I didn’t get married until age 33.  I also didn’t have my first baby until I was 3 weeks shy of 35, so I feel somewhat qualified to address these topics.

Just realize the reason “why” they are single is probably somewhat personal.  Maybe they just haven’t fallen in love yet.  Maybe they’re still not over their ex.  Maybe they have some healing to do.  Maybe they’re focused on their career.  Maybe they want more time.  Maybe things just aren’t working out.  Maybe it’s hurting their heart that things aren’t working out, and they don’t need another reminder of what they cannot change.  

Maybe they love their single life and are open to remaining single for good.  Single doesn’t have to mean lonely or unhappy, does it? Since when should a relationship status define anyone?  Maybe right now they are just enjoying friendships and hanging out with their fellow gal pals?  Maybe romance isn’t a huge desire at this moment.

Whatever the reason they remain single, they probably don’t want to talk about it with someone who isn’t a close friend. Also, they know their age, and they don’t need a reminder.  Maybe their age already slightly bothers them, and they don’t need salt rubbed in the wound.  Maybe they’re very confident and happy with where they are at, at this age.  Maybe “your time” isn’t their time, and more importantly, maybe it isn’t God’s time.  

Oh, and telling them they should date their friend probably isn’t some grand revelation they were needing.  Maybe their friend is like a sibling to them, and there isn’t any romantic connection.  Maybe they’ve talked about dating and just haven’t.  

Again.  Avoid these statements.  Avoid them.  Did I say, avoid them?  

[If you genuinely think you have someone to set them up with, that isn’t all bad – you may be able to introduce them to the love of their life.  Just be smart about it, think about their possible “taste and standards,” and don’t bring it up in a way that causes pressure].

2)  Now that you’re married, when are you going to start having kids?

Again….no just no.  

Maybe these newlyweds just want to enjoy some time as just the two of them.  

It could be that they’ve been trying, and they’re having infertility issues. Infertility seems to be on the rise, and it’s a very real, heart-breaking struggle.   I’ve watched so many amazing people go through this, and the last thing they need are these prying questions.

One step further.  Maybe this couple already knew before going into a marriage that one of them is unable to have children.  Maybe they’ve been aware of this situation their whole entire life. They aren’t just struggling to conceive – they know that biologically it just cannot happen, period.  This couple decided they wanted to be together, whether their story involves children or not.

Or, it could be that getting pregnant isn’t the issue:  Carrying full-term may be.  It could be that they’ve recently been through a miscarriage….or multiple.  One in four women experience at least one miscarriage in their life, and this too seems to be increasingly more common.  Once again, this question is the worst nightmare for a couple in this situation.  For all you know, the woman is currently in the middle of the emotional and physical pain of loss, right then and there.

Maybe the couple is waiting for their finances and job situations to feel more comfortable.  Maybe they want to wait until after they move and start that next chapter of life. 

Or hey, they could even be among those who have already simply decided that children isn’t for them, period.  Maybe they want a couple dogs, or maybe they don’t even desire pets.  Maybe they are two people who want to travel or focus on their careers without any strings attached.  If that be the case, they shouldn’t be shamed or put down for it.  Deciding one shouldn’t have children isn’t selfish.  Having children when one is unsure and “not all in” is what is actually selfish.  The decision to have children should not be a comparison game or a societal pressure.  It needs to be a personal desire and commitment.

We all have different stories, goals and desires in our lives and not everyone’s looks the same. Whatever the reason, again….never just assume.  It may not be what you think, and if it isn’t YOUR life….why do you REALLY have to know?

3)  Now it’s time for another!  Your son (or) daughter needs a sibling!

Sigh.  Can you tell I’ve been through all three stages of life?  When I got married, I knew the non-stop pregnancy questions would happen.  And I knew, as I was still healing and pumping breastmilk that people would start asking when #2 is coming.  I was right.  Can’t a woman heal, get used to parenting and/or get just a little bit of rest at night?  Is that too much to ask for?  Is it not acceptable for parents to catch their breath and to really soak it all in, and enjoy the moments with their first one before thinking about a second? Again, maybe this couple just wants to wait.  Maybe they aren’t the type to have their children super close together.   [My parents had all of us with 3-5 years in between because that was how they wanted it to happen.  I personally loved the way they chose to do it, and don’t know why people may be discouraged of making a similar decision in 2021].

[On the contrary, please stop shaming people that DO want to have their children close together.  If they have 6 children and they’re all only 13 months apart – that was their call.  It may not be your thing – but it’s theirs. Maybe they’ve always dreamed of a large family and all of their children growing up together, close in age. Personal preference shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern, unless of course, the children aren’t being properly cared for.  And hey, if you’re the caretaker or the one paying the bills, you may have a point.  Otherwise, no].

But, back to what I was saying:  Or, maybe this couple tried for #2, but had a miscarriage they kept secret.

….Or, maybe this couple got pregnant easily the first time, but are experiencing infertility this time around.

……Maybe their baby has special needs, and they really want to focus in on their one child.  Maybe the medical bills and intervention has already been pretty overwhelming.

….Along those lines, maybe they feel like they cannot afford a second child just yet.  It’s reasonable for people to think about the financial aspect too, right?

…..Maybe the mom even developed some health issues after baby #1?  Hey, maybe she already had to have a hysterectomy that you don’t even know about?  Women aren’t made of steel though it may sometimes seem like it.

Or gasp…..maybe this couple only feels led to have ONE child.  OR….maybe they want to adopt next time, and are waiting to do so.  Maybe they even want to be a foster parent. So many possibilities, guys.

I think most people who say/ask this question genuinely mean well and probably don’t see anything wrong with they’re saying, but this is just my friendly reminder:  The “when” question is seldom smart to ask.  I suppose you may sometimes get an excited woman who will answer, “Oh, I’m planning to be pregnant in the next couple months again, and I cannot wait”…….but just remember assumptions can be harmful.

4)  “Oh you’re using formula?  I breastfed all of my children until they were 2, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way…. OR…..Breastmilk is so much better for our children.  They will be smarter because of it.  Breastfed kids are so much more advanced.” [ANY kind of shaming for moms who choose formula over breastmilk.  Breastfeeding benefits’ education, encouragement and awareness is one thing.  Putting someone down or making them feel like a “bad mom” is another].

And here’s the fourth one I’ve been through to some level.  I think a majority of us WISH we could give our children breastmilk.  It’s kind of ingrained in us.  With that said, I’m here to tell you that whether they are breastfed or formula-fed, what matters is that they are getting fed and growing. 

I have a now very healthy, thriving, happy and intelligent almost 2 year old that was only breastfed for………*drum-roll*……6 weeks.  I tried.  I really, really did.

Now, I don’t feel obligated to explain anything.  I just want to.  I want to share the very encouragement I WISH I read while I was going through this struggle. 

I’m doing this for my fellow women:  Looking back, I actually unfairly put myself under a lot of undue stress, because I thought I was “supposed to” according to the societal stigmas.  Even as a full-term baby, my girl was born at preemie size.  And then of course, they can lose a little weight those first couple days after birth.  (She did).  That first month was honestly a blur of stress, pressure and anxiety.  Oh, I had a great support system:  It was just my first time doing this, and I encountered so many hurdles I didn’t expect.

This tired mama also returned to her full-time work only 5 1/2 weeks after giving birth, by choice (I almost returned sooner, but my Dr. was the one who wasn’t ready).  She soon agreed.  So, there I was, already a balancing act.  Since I was 16 years old, this was the LONGEST work “break” I had in 20 years, and we all know, “maternity leave” is hardly a break.

What’s more?  So much more.  (I think I may do a separate blog on this one day).  But anyways, to sum it up in short, Clara had the milk protein sensitivity.  Her little cherry-sized tummy was sensitive.  I completely eliminated dairy (AND soy) from my diet.  Anyone who has ever done this knows how hard it is.  Dairy certainly isn’t impossible to eliminate, but to also completely eliminate soy wasn’t so easy.  I’m not a big processed food fan, but if it didn’t come from the ground or straight from the farm, even a bite of it was pretty much out for me.  Even seasonings or things you don’t readily expect had one or both ingredients in it.  I managed a few weeks on a plain meat, veggies and fruit type of diet, and ate the few soy/dairy free options out there, but it became apparent that Clara still wasn’t growing her best on breastmilk.  That’s not to mention other additional hurdles we had with it.  It wasn’t even just the sensitivity itself. It got to the point that when I went to the lactation consultant, she looked me in the eye and said, “Honey, I was formula-fed, and I’m doing great today.  It is reasonable for you to go that route.”  Clara’s pediatrician then reminded me that “how I was feeling” mattered too.

And there we had it.  I swallowed all of my pride. I had tried, and formula was our way.  Soon after making the switch, Clara began growing rapidly and finally graduated to newborn clothes, and then 0-3, and on and on.  Now like I said, she’s a healthy almost 24 pound toddler, without any food allergies or sensitivities, as far as we know.

So if anyone wants to shame the route I took, all I can say is, “Her thriving was/is so much more important to me than any societal pressures.”  It’s okay, moms.  It really is.  I decided I will NEVER put myself through this kind of pressure again.  If it works……great!  If it doesn’t….that’s okay too!  Thank God for formula!

*And I also sincerely want to add:  If all of your children were exclusively breastfed, I do think you should be very proud of that.  I know that’s a big accomplishment and requires so much time, effort, love and sacrifice!  I know of some moms who have balanced this task even with working outside the home – (having to pump on lunch breaks and going into the mother’s room, etc. I think that’s amazing, and I admire this balance more than I can put into words). 

However, my point:  Just know that our paths to raising our children cannot all be the same.  Just know that ignorance, arrogance or throwing around the “kids will be so much smarter,” comment isn’t helpful to the mom who cannot make it work.  And it may very well not even be a thing like science claims.  A couple of the smartest people I know just happened to also be formula-fed babies as well.  My husband was one of those stubborn babies, in fact.  [While we were going through the sensitivity struggle with Clara, I jokingly asked him if this “smarter” theory meant he could’ve been a rocket scientist instead of an attorney then?  I mean, getting through law school and passing the bar exam alone, takes some brains.  Let’s be honest]. 

What matters most of all, is that our children thrive and get to growing.  Whatever the reason a mother chooses not to breastfeed, respect it, and mind your own – cool? AND if she chooses to breastfeed long-term, applaud her for a great accomplishment!  Let’s encourage one another ladies!  It’s already difficult enough to be a woman, and nothing is worse than women tearing down their fellow women.

5)  Women should stay at home with their children /OR Women need to contribute outside the home.

To put it plain and simple, both statements are insensitive.  Again, the decisions people make for their families are ultimately up to them.  We live in a world of double standards, and the comments aren’t always easy to stomach.

Let’s start with “women should stay at home with their children”:  Hello.  It’s 2021.  We are the SAME society that pushes for EVERYONE to go to college.  The same college that brings debt.  The same debt that makes graduates feel like they need a high paying job to pay off debt.  So which is it, guys?  I think there are A LOT of women in this world who would love nothing more than to stay home with their babies full-time, but they feel that they need to keep contributing to the income.  Also, last time I checked, “living” is expensive, whether it’s maintaining homes, vehicles, putting food on the table or general bills.  Some of the same people telling the woman to stay home are likely some of the same people who pushed her into college to begin with.  You can’t always have BOTH.  Hey, maybe she didn’t even go to college and living is STILL too expensive.  Maybe she came into the marriage debt-free and still feels the need to work outside the home.

Maybe it’s not even really about finances.  Maybe this mother is just simply a career woman.  Maybe she’s known ever since she was a little girl that she wanted to be a mom AND a full-time employee.  Nothing wrong with that, right?  Maybe she’s always wanted to be a Doctor, a teacher, a lawyer, a secretary…..whatever it may be.  If she spent all of those years in medical school, isn’t it reasonable that she may want to continue to utilize her degree?  Maybe staying at home all day makes her stir crazy, and it’s just not the best thing for her personally. 

In some cases, maybe the wife has the higher paying job than the husband. Maybe they ultimately decide the dad should be the one to stay home.  That’s okay too, folks!  Maybe she is a passionate dentist, and he doesn’t have a particular passion besides maintaining the home and caring for his children.  Rather than pay for childcare, they decide to make him the stay-at-home parent. As long as he is contributing, that’s their business, right? 

Now, moving along to, “Women need to contribute outside the home.”  Again, how is this anyone’s business, except the couple’s?  I know probably an equal amount of moms who work outside the home, as I do mothers who stay home.  Both women have a hard job. 

I have a confession:  [I am currently doing BOTH!  Just to be real….it’s challenging, but it’s doable in my case.  I realize in some cases it may not be.  I work 8-4:30 Monday-Friday on my laptop from home, while caring for my daughter in between.  I’m very thankful I’m able to do both, and I give God all the glory.  Pack n’ plays and cartoons are where it’s at.  And don’t even get on my case about my child watching some TV so that I can get work done].  But my point is, I get it.  I get that moms want to be home and raise their babies, rather than put them in the care of someone else.  They shouldn’t be put down for it, as long as they come to an agreement with their husband that it’s doable.  Now, if the woman is a wild spender or has a huge history of debt and her poor husband is working 3 jobs just to keep up…..that’s another story.  God has certainly never meant for us to take advantage of our husbands.  However, a mom who is happily working at home, taking care of her babies, cooking, maintaining the home and being a reasonable steward?  She’s working, and she’s working hard.  Applaud her!  I tend to think a majority of women are kind of geared towards wanting to be home as we know this has been kind of a traditional role throughout history.  I just think not many feel they are able to do so in 2021. 

Whatever the case, a woman is contributing, whether she’s working in the home, working outside the home….and hopefully, in my case, of balancing both at once.

I could probably easily make this list a top 10, and hey, maybe if this goes over well, I will make a part 2.  For now though?  C’mon ladies.  Do not pick on each other’s relationship, baby and employment statuses.  How about we avoid the “catty gossip hours?”  Life has an interesting way of taking us in different directions than we expect.  Maybe what you’re picking on today could be tomorrow’s new battle for you?  Let us remember too, we cannot possibly understand what we ourselves have never walked through.

How about we build each other up, be careful about assumptions and offer encouragement every chance we get?  Would you like a part 2 of “things to never say to your fellow women?”  Share your thoughts in the comment section below!

The post 5 Things To Never Say To Your Fellow Women appeared first on Homestead Holly.