marriage

I Don’t Have It All…..And That’s Okay With Me

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments
I Don’t Have It All…..And That’s Okay With Me

 

Hey, I have a confession. Sometimes I really try to have it all.

Do it all.  Say it all.  Hear it all.  See it all.  Save it all.  Dream it all.  Figure out it all.  Solve it all.  Experience it at all.  Accomplish it all. Be it all.

……And the worst?  I often expect others to have it all.

I came to this realization of myself several years ago.  It was a hard one to accept, simply because I didn’t want to accept my shortfalls or the shortfalls of other people.  Though I’ve gotten better, I still struggle sometimes with my standards of self and my standards of others.

Another confession?  I set such high standards for myself when creating this blog that I rarely post. In my mind, if it’s not an A+ piece to me, then no one else needs to hear it.  If it’s not earth-shattering, then I have no business in posting it when the world is already loud and full of countless, self-proclaimed experts (especially when I may overlook a typo)!

But today?  God is nudging me.

He knows I know I’m not an expert, but he’s also reminding me he doesn’t call “experts.”  He gives gifts, and it’s our responsibility to use those gifts and to go where he sends us.

So…..I’m hoping that just maybe, this simple, transparent, genuine blog post will help someone else out today.  Maybe it doesn’t have to be the deepest, the most articulate and the most revolutionary thing I’ve ever shared with you.  Maybe the message is in the shortfall of this blog in itself.

Maybe a little simplicity is what this complicated world needs right now.

So here it is guys:  NO ONE has it all.  There isn’t a writer that produces A+ material every. single. time.  They may tell you they do, but they don’t.  They probably just aren’t sharing their B+ material with the world.

This is probably only half of my writing collection at most. It is full of what I consider B, C & even a few D grade songs. Sure, there are a few A+ ones in here, but I probably haven’t let you hear those yet either.

There isn’t a basketball player that makes every. single. shot.  You just may not ever see them miss.

There isn’t an actor who gets everything on the first take, every. single. time.  You just happen to see the completed film.

There isn’t a doctor who never gets stretched, challenged or confused by a patient at some point.

There isn’t a photographer that takes the award-winning shot every time.  Sometimes even the best realize the pose or setting just wasn’t quite contest worthy.

There isn’t a family, a friendship or a marriage that never ever experiences conflict.  The social media photos people post only give you a tiny look into their lives…..not the full picture.  My Pastor once said something along the lines of, we often compare our lives to other people’s “highlight reels.”  Man, has that stuck with me.

Highlight reels are not the full picture, all day, every day….because:

There isn’t a talent that has it all.

There isn’t a career that has it all.

There isn’t an area that has it all.

There isn’t a home that has it all.

There isn’t a “dream come true” that has it all.

And most important to remember, there isn’t a person that has it all.  Does it seem like some people come close?  Of course!  Sometimes I play the comparison game and think, “DANG!  I wish I could be more like them.”  Does it seem like some families or relationships can come to having it all.  YES.  Some are so close to perfect, that you’ll never even be able to see the few flaws, that only God knows they have.

Does this mean we shouldn’t strive for excellence?  No way!  Does this mean we shouldn’t work to be the best Jesus follower, employee, parent, sibling, friend and spouse we can be?  Of course not!  In fact, I hope you’re working on that every day.  In the meantime, I will be too.

Here’s why we can’t have it all though, guys:  There is only ONE who has it all, and only ONE who will EVER have it all.  HE is the only one who is even capable of having it all.  His name is Jesus Christ. He knew no sin, and he knows no limits.  We knew sin, and therefore we have our limits, but if we serve the one who is limitless…..the results can be limitless.  We can’t be Him, and we never will be.  However, when we put our lives in the hands of the one who has it all, he can do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ever ask or imagine.

We can and most definitely should strive to be like Him, but ultimately, He’s always going to be above all.

Honestly, that feels like really good news to me today.  I don’t know about you, but for me, it gets exhausting trying to have it all.  It gets exhausting on the hamster wheel.  It gets exhausting being a perfectionist.  And exhausting trying to take on roles and do jobs that only He can do…..and it gets so exhausting trying to solve problems that only He can solve.

There is a time to do a serious inventory of oneself, and there is a time to confront others.  There is a time to reevaluate where your life is going, and there is a time to make changes.  But sometimes?  There is a time where we just need to relax and be content with “not having it all.”

Why?  Well, because when we’re content with not having it all, we open the door and invite God’s limitless power into our lives. God’s power is best magnified in the humble….in those who realize they don’t have it all.  It’s best magnified in those who realize how much they need Him.  It’s really difficult for an arrogant, prideful person to enjoy the abundance of the Christian life. If we think we’re equal to God, and that we have it all, how can we really live our best lives?  How can we really have an authentic relationship?  How can we really see the results we want to see?

When I expect others to have it all, I’m holding them to an unfair standard.  I’m expecting them to be perfect like God…and they’re simply not capable of it.  When I expect myself to have it all, I’m holding myself to an unrealistic standard that I’ll never ever be able to achieve.  I’m simply not capable.

It’s days like today that I think of what the Lord has been laying on my heart for about 12 years now:

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”  -2 Corinthians 12:9.

Friend, you don’t have to have it ALL.  Please free yourself of that expectation right now.  Why?

Because HE has it all, and HE is more than enough…..  Therefore, today and always, you are more than enough, simply because you serve Him.

Let his power rest on you.

15 things to never say to a “single” person

hollymarietong dating, Encouragement, Personal Growth, single life , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

 

Remember how I said I’ll forever relate to singles and forever understand them?  I meant it.  While I’m thrilled to be walking down the aisle soon, it doesn’t mean:   A).  That I’ve forgotten the struggle I once had, and the struggle so many people I love are still going through and B).  That I’m only going to talk to the engaged and married folks now.  God reminds me often (though I fail to blog as often as I should) that I’m not to forget the road I walked before Kyle.  He also reminds me I can be a fairly unique voice in this area (as can many of my gal pals).

“Meant to be at 33” is what I like to call this time in my life.  I’m not shy about admitting that I’m getting married for the first (and only time) a few weeks after my 33rd birthday.

I can hear some of you saying, “Oh, but you’re still so young!”

I say to you…well, unless you got married at this same age or older, and/or are still single yourself, say no more about my youngness, k?

I’m getting married later than average no matter what you may feel like telling me.  I wouldn’t have it any other way though.  In hindsight, I completely see why God had me wait longer.  I didn’t see it then, but I see it now.

I know I was not and still am not “entitled” to having a forever man….not at 23, 33, 43, or ever for that matter.  I know my fiance is a blessing.  I know many who are still waiting for that blessing in their own life.

I know I could very well still be in the position I was in just a year ago.  While I believe my single friends will ultimately one day find the person of their dreams, I remind myself to be very careful with what I say to them. I admitted in a previous blog that just because a few of the cliches I hated hearing like, “it happens when you’re least expecting it,” and “you’ll find someone one day,” came true for me, doesn’t mean I should make a habit of using those cliches on my friends.  They’re not ready to hear it yet, just like I wasn’t ready to hear it then. It also may not happen for them the same way it did for me, so why act like I know something they don’t?

As I feel blessed to be surrounded by all the love, assistance and well wishes that planning a wedding brings, I can’t help but wish that just a little more love, assistance and well wishes would be given to singles overall.  It’s just not culturally popular…and I wish it were.  While I’m extremely grateful to receive all of this now (and some have always given me it to me even as a single), I can’t help but wish there were more affirmation, positivity and resources surrounding the single life.

I know people often think of helping a young couple or a family, and I’m ALL for that, but I feel like people less often think about helping the single person, or seeing what they may need.  I’m not speaking for myself or for everyone here.

I’m saying, let’s just say you have an extra set of brand new dishes at home that you’d like to bless someone with:  While I’m not AT ALL against you giving them to the young married couple, why not also consider the single girl across the street that you know works super hard?

I can’t speak for all married couples, but I know I’m financially going to be better off as a married person, than I have been as a single person.  I think sometimes society sees “single,” and sees money and no one else to support, except themselves.  The problem is a single person often means paying double the bills, unless of course, said single wants to get a roommate.  The bottom line:  Let’s remember our single friends too!  Also, just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you can only have couples as friends.  No need to be part of a “married only’s clique,” or to get all high and mighty just because your relationship status has changed, right?

Now I’ve lived on both sides of the fence.  I can tell you that while relationships take work, the single life is overall the harder position to be in.  While I felt a great sense of strength and independence in that position, I faced more challenges overall.  Yes, some days I enjoyed the heck out of my single life.  I lived that life to the fullest every day.  However, I would rather have this life, than my former life.  I’m not going to lie about that.  I’m very thankful for my former life and wouldn’t ever take it back, but I’m not going to pretend it was a cake walk.  In fact, I’m going to acknowledge that it wasn’t on many levels.

While I don’t understand 30 years of marriage yet, I do understand what it’s like to be as single as spaghetti without the Ragu.  I also understand what it’s like to have someone wanting to protect me, to provide for me and to commit to me for the rest of our lives.

Now, with all of that said, the first best thing you can do for your single friends is try to avoid saying the wrong things.  Some are truly happy to be single.  Some people love the solitary life.  Some are very go with the flow…whenever it happens…it happens, kind of people.  (I was that way most days, but definitely not all days).  Some hurt every day over past relationships and past injustices.  Some worry about their future, and if they have a future in love at all.  Most though? They have something in common.  They don’t really need your advice and your attempt at consoling them, unless they ask for it, cry on your shoulder or vent to you.  I’m just saying guys.

Here are my top 15 never say to your single friends, statements:

  1.  “Married life is so hard.  My husband can be such a jerk.  Being single is where it’s at.  I’m actually envious of you and all of this freedom you get.”  Really now?  Really?  I don’t know all situations, but if one’s husband seems to be working hard, being an honest upstanding person, providing for them, and isn’t cheating on or abusing them, no one wants to hear it.  At all.  Likely, the person making this statement KNOWS they don’t really want to be back in the dating world, so why pretend they do?  It isn’t fooling anyone, and frankly, it’s really really annoying.
  2. “God needs to see you fully trusting him and being happy with him, and him alone, before he can give you a mate.” – (Says the 22 year old who is indirectly saying that THEY were the perfect Christian when they found their mate).  Umm…you’re not fooling us, sister.  You can’t speak for God here.  Maybe God KNOWS this fine single person is fully trusting him, and happy with him, but maybe he needs them to wait a little longer than you, for other reasons or plans he has for them. Maybe the person you’re saying this to is VERY in tune with God and celebrates the joy of the Lord every day….yet they still struggle with loneliness some days, or just feel ready for that next chapter that doesn’t seem to be happening.  Don’t tell them how to feel, assume their doing it wrong or minimize their faith.  Don’t make them feel not good enough.  Maybe they’re even good at being single….but well, they’re like 35, which is like 10 years older than you when you got married – so maybe you shouldn’t be the person telling them this, eh?  It’s not unreasonable that they feel “ready.”
  3. “When are you going to settle down and get married?  What about having kids?  What are you waiting for?”  This one pretty much speaks for itself.  For one, it’s no one’s business, but their own.  Two, they may struggle with why it isn’t happening for them.  Three, some of my friends, for instance, even already know they can’t conceive children.  It’s understandably a very hurtful subject for them.  These things should just never be asked…..ever.
  4. “You’re just too picky!  I can’t believe you weren’t interested in him!”  There are a lot of things wrong with this statement.  Where shall I begin?  No one should ever be told to lower their standards.  That is how this statement will feel no matter how it is said. Often the very person who says this is the very person who wouldn’t be interested in that failed potential either.  Yes, there are extreme cases…BUT picky is better than settling or taking the plunge before one is ready.  Since marriage is designed to be forever, it’s only smart to be picky.
  5. “You find them when you least expect it!”  I’ve mentioned this one A LOT lately.  Yes, this ended up happening in my life.  Yes, I was kind of annoyed that this was “how” it happened for me since I hated this cliche soooooo much, but the truth is, singles hate these words…and I understand why.  Been there, heard that, got the t-shirt.
  6. “Man…you get to travel and do whatever you want!  I want your life!”  Just don’t.  They’re probably broke and all their potential travel friends are probably also either broke or busy with their family lives.  Just don’t.
  7. “Work on you!”  Yes, some do need time to be single to work on them…but it’s probably best not to put it in those words. Even just “focus on you” sounds better.  Don’t assume they’re a piece of work.  It just beats them down and makes you look high and mighty.
  8. “Join a single’s group, do online dating etc.”  Again, these fine independent strong folk don’t usually need advice unless asked for.  They’re not living under a rock.  They probably know they can join this stuff if they want to.  You’re not teaching them anything new! 🙂
  9. “Man I pity you being in the dating world.  I couldn’t do it!”  How encouraging!
  10. “You don’t need a man!”  You’re right I don’t “need” a man….but apparently you do considering you’ve been married to your high school sweetheart for 30 years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m GLAD your marriage has worked.  That’s God’s will in fact….but singles really don’t need to hear this from you since you well,…..don’t get it?
  11. “You must be doing something wrong.  Let’s talk about what it is.”  No…..just no!
  12. “You’ve got time!”   This is equally just as bad as “time’s a-wasting.”  Someone married with three kids saying this to a single in their 30’s who hasn’t even begun the family journey, just isn’t a smart thing to do on any level.
  13. “Have you ever thought about dating your friend __________?”  Chances are you’ll just make things really really awkward.  They’ve either thought about it, talked about it with their friend, or never ever even entertained the thought ever.  Said friend may very well be like a sibling to them.  You’re not pointing out some new revelation to them, okay?
  14. “You’re too smart, too pretty, or too good.”  Yeah, that’s going to solve things….letting them know that unless they dumb themselves down, stop taking care of their physical appearance, or stop being so morally good, that they’ll end up single for life…
  15. “It was about time “I” or “they” get married.”  I saved this one for last because this was perhaps one of the most offensive statements ever made to me when I was in the midst of being completely single.  I was happy with my life overall, but this statement rubbed me so wrong.  I was talking to someone with a daughter younger than me who had recently gotten engaged.  This particular woman KNOWS I’m older than her daughter, and KNEW I was single at the time.  I was nice and congratulated her on her daughter’s engagement.  It couldn’t stop there though.  She proceeded to look me in the eye and say, “well it was about time!!!!” (as if it was absolutely shameful).  I could’ve laughed it off I suppose, but I recognized the dig and didn’t feel like letting her get away with it.  I instead politely looked her back in the eye and said, “Is it really about “time,” or is it more important to find the right person no matter how long that may take?”  I really caught her off guard.  Anyways, yeah….just don’t say this.

Alright guys.  There are probably a million more annoying statements, but this is all I have tonight.  I know I’ve graduated from hearing these statements, but graduating from these statements mean I’m heading for the annoying world of “when are you having kids, how many are you having and when do you plan to have another?,” world.  We all have our struggles.  Let’s learn to better understand one another.  What do ya say?  🙂

Chick Flicks Don’t Always Lie

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment
Chick Flicks Don’t Always Lie

God has a sense of humor.  I’ve known that for a good while now.  However, I’ve especially noticed it this past year.

For so long, I was basically single.  Yeah, I dated here and there.  Yeah, I almost always had a prospect of some sort.  Yeah, some of those prospects looked like they were going to go somewhere once or twice.  Still, there was something wrong with every situation I found myself in.  Nothing had run smoothly in that department for me since I was about 20 years old, and obviously that relationship ended as well.  As many of you know, my 20’s in the dating scene (in the entertainment scene at that), were so comical that I was inspired to write a book.

I called it “Chick Flicks Lie” and published it in 2014.  It wasn’t a confessional or a male bashing book.  I wrote it knowing it would forever be a part of me, so my tone and content would be very important.  I wanted it to be a book even my future husband could laugh at and be proud of.  It was how I coped with life turning out completely different than I had planned on.  It was how I laughed at myself.  And I hoped, it was how I made others laugh and feel understood.  I hope it still does that.

The truth was, that was a fun season in my life.  Chick Flicks Lie will most certainly live on.  It will always be a part of me.  It will always keep me humble and assure that I never forget the struggles I once faced.

It will always help me to keep a sensitive heart for other single women.  I will never stop relating to single independent women.

I sincerely hope my friends don’t just see me as “yet another girl” who just got engaged and is going to boast every step of her love life on social media.  I hope my engagement doesn’t bring more awareness to anyone’s singleness, but rather I hope it instead brings them hope.  I hope it brings them hope that even the writer of “Chick Flicks Lie” found her own love story.  I hope my engagement brings glory to God and what he can do.  I hope my friends realize if it happened for me just a little later in life, it can certainly happen for them too.

See, I knew what it was like to hang out in the single’s waiting room for much longer than I planned on.  It was partly by choice and partly not. I wasn’t running across the right situation, but I was kind of feeling ready to.

“It happens when you’re least expecting it,” they would say.

Man, I hated that cliche’.  I hated it so much I put it in my book as something us singles get tired of hearing.  But a funny thing happened.  That dang cliche came true for me.  Now, I find myself wanting to encourage other women with the line I once loathed.

Then, I tell myself:  “They’re not ready to hear it yet…..just like you weren’t ready to hear it then.  Tread carefully.”

Just like those who once encouraged me wanted me to see, I want to tell these strong singles that it will be okay.  I want to tell them that when “it” happens, it happens so smoothly and confidently that they will barely even know what’s happening.  They may feel like they’re in a dream for several months.  They may even feel like they’re still in that dream when they’re wearing an engagement ring and planning their wedding.

That’s where I’m at:  Feeling like I’m in a dream.  Still pinching myself that I got to my “someday.”  

Most days it’s just still hard to fathom that I met this guy at work in the late fall of 2015……and in just a little over 6 months, he’s going to be my husband.

I was literally in the midst of my little brother’s wedding at the time this man first entered my life.  It still feels like yesterday.  Just yesterday I had no one.  Today I have a fiance.

But “yesterday” (November 2015), I drove to Ohio with my sister and nothing in my personal world had changed, except that my younger sibling was getting married.  My dating life was still inconsistent and frankly dysfunctional.  I wasn’t digging the guy that I had been seeing.  As far as I was concerned, we were already completely done.  I didn’t want him to be the one.  I knew he wasn’t.  I knew he didn’t appreciate my heart for who I am.  I knew that it was only an attraction thing for him.  That wasn’t enough for me. I knew he was ultimately self-absorbed.  I knew it wasn’t going anywhere.  There I was on that single’s dance floor seeing if I could catch a bouquet.  It was all a continuation of my “Chick Flicks Lie” book.

I, the author, was simply continuing to live my own story.  I wasn’t crying though.  I was still laughing along the way (most days at least), just like I had encouraged my readers to do.  I knew I could already write a sequel, but had no plans to do so.

I had no idea that right about that time the following year, I’d be planning my own wedding with the handsome new guy I’d just met at work.  That very idea would have seemed completely incomprehensible to me at the time.

I thought I was getting another co-worker the day Kyle walked through our office doors.  He thought he was simply starting a new job in a new city.  The first few months nothing seemed especially significant between us.  I thought his smile was as cute as it gets, but there was no flashing neon signs saying he was “my one.”  We each thought the other was “nice” and “attractive,” but we certainly hadn’t communicated it.  We connected well during conversations, but at the time, they appeared to be more co-worker-like.  Looking back, there probably was a certain level of chemistry, but that happens sometimes between single guys and girls…..and then it never goes anywhere, ya know?

Funny enough, there was even a time period where I had the wrong perception of Kyle.  I didn’t yet recognize him as the man who would fall in love with my heart. I didn’t yet recognize him as the guy who would encourage me to continue my dreams…..or as the guy who stay on me about my recent lack of blogging.  It was unbeknownst to me that we would be the ultimate match and perfectly balance one another out. I had no idea he was exactly what I needed and that he would do all the above and so much more. I had no idea that God was doing a major work in both of our lives.

I didn’t know that another cliche’ I had always detested was also true:  “Sometimes what you’re looking for is right in front of you.”

Dang it….it happened to me.  It did.  I’m sorry, my dear readers.  This doesn’t invalidate my whole book or my Chick Flicks Lie concept though.  Stay with me for just a little longer please.

Chick Flicks continue to lie when they sell us an effortless, perfect journey to the aisle and beyond.

Kyle and I have to work at things just like you and your significant other do.  We work through the hard stuff and we get stronger from it.  We talk things out and keep it real.

I have no desire to post gigantic paragraphs each and every day about every detail of our relationship on social media.  He knows I love and appreciate him, because I tell him I do.  I know he loves and appreciates me, because he tells me he does.  We don’t just say it though.  We show it.  We have nothing to prove, and we’re not trying to keep up with the Jones.  We’re simple and subtle, but very much in love, whether we continually tell others that or not.

He’s never had to chase my plane down the tarmac like we see in our beloved Chick Flicks, but in our own less dramatic version….he has.

He may not grab his guitar and sing to me while I listen from my balcony (I don’t have a balcony first of all)…..but he has personally expressed himself to me in ways that top any chick flick out there.  You know, it’s the fun, real, goofy type of stuff when we’re on the interstate and he’s streaming and singing to his playlist?  That’s real life….and it’s beautiful.

Now, when he gives me gifts?  Yes, it really kind of is like something out of a Chick Flick.  The guy got me my dream ring after all.

My point is though, our overall reality is imperfect, but completely perfect for us.

Hollywood has a lot of great stories, but our story is my new favorite.

It’s not about a certain image, a bank account or fancy things…..it’s about how someone makes you feel when you’re with them.

When I think about Kyle, I think about how comfortable, secure, accepted, loved and transparent I feel.

I think about the fact that I feel just as pretty and as wanted by him whether I’m dolled up in a fancy gown or dressed down with zero makeup on.

I think about the fact that I’d usually rather just cook at home with him, than go out to the hottest date spots in town.

I think about the fact that I feel on cloud 10 watching the ID channel or a football game with him.

And I think about the fact that I don’t always have to be on que, or talking or have something overly significant to tell him.  I think about the fact that our silent moments are just as good as our conversational ones.

Look for these things, friends.

To my friends who are still single, all I can tell you is trust in God’s perfect timing, stay strong, live it up where you are today and stay open.  Don’t harden your heart or build walls of steel.  Yes, be slow to trust.  Yes, let someone earn their place, but don’t let fear get in the way of what could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.  Be open to the possibility of dating someone different than who you have normally dated.

For me, a hardworking co-worker and law student was that “different.”  The right kind of different.  The analytical, responsible, driven, organized, planner, type.  For you, “different” might look like something else.

And by all means, my beautiful singles, keep on envisioning the day when you finally meet your other half.  Don’t be afraid to wonder if you’ve already met him.  Yes, chick flicks really do lie…..quite often in fact.  But, chick flicks don’t always lie.  I’m living proof.