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When God Speaks Through A Border Collie

hollymarietong Encouragement , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment
When God Speaks Through A Border Collie

Almost 6 years ago, I made my way to a couple shelters to look at dogs.  It was Good Friday and my sister was persistent that we do so.  I reminded her that a dog is a huge responsibility and that we were just “looking.”  I insisted that we were not getting a dog just for the sake of getting a dog, and that I would only consider adopting one if I fell in love and experienced a true connection.

The first time I met Rosco, he looked depressed and withdrawn.  The other dogs around him were jumping, barking and trying to get our attention.  But, I found myself drawn to the quiet one.  He wanted my attention, but he was incredibly subtle about it.  It didn’t hurt that he was a 5 month old puppy and couldn’t get any cuter if he tried.  When I went to put him back in his cage after our acquaintance time, he didn’t want to go.  Even though he was shy about it, the connection was mutual.  He wanted me to be in his life, and I knew it. Still, I knew this was a big decision and didn’t want to make it on impulse.  In fact, I made myself drive away to “think about it.” Within an hour, I drove back to the Nashville Humane Association as quickly as I could, ran to the front desk and said I wanted to adopt “Herman.” I immediately renamed him “Rosco,” and the rest is history.

I never did find out much about his history before life with us.  I just knew his heart was hurting and that he was sad to be surrendered.  Though he let me pick him up and hung out near me in the beginning, he was pretty introverted in our early days.  I could tell I needed to earn his trust.

Over time, I noticed I was earning that trust I longed for.  It wasn’t long before he was jumping up on my bed and sleeping next to me.

[Rosco was before the days of Kyle and Clara].

We have quite a history together.  Prior to the year 2014 when my sister moved in, I was super independent.  I never really had to look after anyone, but me.  Between my sister and then Rosco, I finally felt like I was getting a taste of parenting.

The one thing I never did understand about Rosco early on was the fact that he could never seem to enjoy car rides like the average dog does.  I thought if we simply went on more car rides, he would grow more comfortable and trusting of them – but he never did.  Now, here we are years and years later, and his car ride anxieties remain.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that something negative clearly once happened to him on a car ride.  My best guess has always been that he remembers his car ride to the humane society where his previous owners left him and never returned.

Anyone who has a border collie understands what I’m about to say:  Their mind is said to be very similar to that of a toddler.  They are known to be incredibly smart, and they seemingly have a remarkable strong memory.  Their deep thinking disposition can be good and bad.  Unfortunately, Rosco spends A LOT of time in his head and forgets how to just be a dog.  He seldom understands how to be carefree. So many times I’ve wished he would just wag his tail and immediately accept every person and dog he meets without question, but I know that isn’t him.  If he’s scolded in any way, you can rest assured, he will hang on to that correction, until I say, “It’s okay, Buddy. ”  My words usually aren’t enough.  I often have to pet him and give him a treat to assure him that we are “good again.”  Many nights, he goes and lays in his bed located in our master bedroom and just hangs out by himself:  Likely overthinking life.  The mind is always going, and I see it when I look at him…..especially in the car.

Whether he goes on a short drive to the lake or a long car trip to Ohio, he tenses up, pants and is unable to enjoy the view around him.  His shedding gets even worse than it already is (and his normal shedding is already really bad), and he refuses to eat or drink anything unless the car is completely stopped.  I try to pet and encourage him.  I try to tell him we are just going to see his grandparents.  Over and over again I’ve said:  “Rosco, buddy.  I’m not taking you to the pound.  It’s been “x” amount of years now.  When are you going to trust me and realize I love you, and I’m keeping you?  You should know me by now.”

I found myself thinking about that today.  What is it going to take for him to trust me? He’s 6 1/2 years old, and he’s been with me for a majority of his life now.  Haven’t I proven myself?  Doesn’t he know my track record?  Can’t he just simply remember all of those car rides that ended well?  Why does he still think about the one that didn’t?  Why is that one time still his dominating thought pattern?  Why can he not just accept the treats and water I try giving him?  I’m trying to nourish his body on those road trips.  Why does he reject my help and instead choose fear?

But then, I sensed God turning it back to me.  Something along these lines was placed on my heart:  Sometimes you’re a lot like Rosco, Holly.  We’ve been together a long time now. I’ve proven my faithfulness to you over and over again.  Sometimes instead of rehearsing all of those past victories that you’ve experienced through me – you sometimes still find yourself thinking about the traumas and disappointments you’ve experienced instead.  At times, you’ve let the bad outweigh the good.  Sometimes you get so taken up with your fears and anxieties that you struggle to nourish your mind, body and soul with what I’ve already provided you with.  Sometimes you get so focused on the “what ifs” and what you’re afraid of that you forget to enjoy the view and the beauty around you.  Haven’t I shown you enough to where you too can sit back, take a deep breath, relax and take in the beauty around you?  Haven’t I shown you enough to where you too can “just be,” sometimes?  I said I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you, and I meant it.  I won’t take it back.  You are my child, and I want to continue to take care of you.  It’s time you believe me, my child.

…..And there it was.

Perhaps I have a standard for my dog that I myself cannot always meet. Perhaps he has learned to trust me in most areas, but has struggled to trust me with that one.  Maybe I’m a little like that too.  Maybe I give God most of the rooms of my house, but maybe I hold back on giving him that one area. Maybe one day, I’ll squash all my fears, remember His track record, trust him so much that I forget all my fears, sit back, completely relax and just enjoy the view.

Maybe one day, Rosco will do the same too.  In the meantime though, I’ll continue to give him grace, pet him, comfort him, offer him treats and water and dab anti-anxiety essential oil on him – because I love him, and it’s my job to care for him.  I’m not going anywhere, and I want to remind him of that promise even if he doesn’t always readily accept it.  I will continue to pursue him.  He is my fur child.  We are in this thing together.

Wow.  It’s true:  God can even speak through border collies.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  -Deuteronomy 31:6

5 Steps to Striving for Selflessness in a Self-Absorbed Society

hollymarietong Budgeting, dating, design, Encouragement, frugal living, Nashville Music, Personal Growth, single life, weddings, Women in Music , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
5 Steps to Striving for Selflessness in a Self-Absorbed Society

When I created this blog, I vowed to share selfless content that would be beneficial to all in some way, shape or form.  Have I fallen short at times?  YES.  Have I probably shared some useless facts about me that didn’t really inspire or encourage anyone?  I have no doubt.  Have I wasted my time and someone else’s once or twice with a post that lacked substance?  Sigh.  I’m sure I have.  (Sorry!)

So here’s the deal:  In 2020, everyone and their sister, is now a lifestyle blogger or YouTube star.  Sharing makeup, fashion advice and the latest Target finds are about as 2020 as COVID-19 and face masks.  I’m certainly not knocking this line of work, as obviously, *I* am one of them.  No, I’m not a YouTube star, with a big following (so don’t look me up).  However, I’m “somewhat” in the lifestyle blogging world on a minor level.  I’m a wife, mom, full-time legal assistant, and publicist.  After that?  I post on here if I’m able, though I’m dying to make it more of a priority.  But first, I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

Image by Anastasia Gepp from Pixabay

Please understand:  I didn’t create a blog to be trendy, or as an excuse to quit my day job.  I didn’t create a blog so we could just talk about outer appearance, though there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to look your best.  My goal has been to focus more on character, legacy, faith and eternity, while still enjoying the here and now.  To enjoy the here and now, we need to love our homes, which means practical living tips are also of course a huge plus.

Writing is my passion – it isn’t some new thing for me.  Writing to me is like breathing.  I don’t do it in the hopes that I can be cool or popular.  I do it, because I don’t know how not to. Therefore, I am always seeking God’s help, and looking for the best outlets to not just hone my craft – but to most importantly, inspire others.  But tell me:  How can I do that?

I recently read a post on in a Facebook “girl’s group” I’m in.  It really, really, got me thinking.  Really.

Someone asked the group, if they subscribe to bloggers and/or what kind of blogs they enjoy.  A lot of the respondents had a similar response/view of bloggers.  The discussion left me feeling a weird combo of motivation and defeat (if that’s even possible):

This short little “survey” revealed that a lot of our non-blogging female peers consider most bloggers to be self-absorbed.  They aren’t interested in reading about “her life.”  Though this wasn’t their exact words, I picked up on what they were saying.  In a nutshell, they are basically interested in reading about “their life.”  They want to read blogs that benefit them, not just the blogger:  They want to hear about DIY home cleaning recipes, and how to make their Grandma’s easy homemade marinara sauce.  The majority isn’t really all that interested in seeing what is in Ellie’s makeup bag, or viewing an outfit that they cannot afford.  They don’t care about HER vacation or HER wedding, that they cannot afford. However, they may find her discount/money-saving tips valuable.  They may benefit from some of  her DIY tips in general, whether that be household cleaners, makeup, baking, wedding planning or vacationing.  They just want to know that it isn’t all about Ellie.  They want to know “what’s in it for them.” 

Basically, what readers want is authenticity and selflessness.  They want practical tips they can do on their own.  They want affordable, and they want fairly simple.  They don’t want to read 2,000 words, or read a huge backstory on a recipe.  They are mainly looking for the ingredients, what to set their oven at, and the baking time.

Photo by Adelaide Street Media

I grasped these truths a LONG time ago and vowed to be different, yet I still find myself wondering EXACTLY what my readers are most interested in.  I also find myself struggling to not be overly wordy while I’m at it.  Some of my blog posts have been well on their way to becoming a book, so I’m guilty.

Here’s a startling confession though:  I had zero problems getting millions of views on my pop culture column I used to run.  But when I make a blog about faith, character and legacy, with some practical living tips mixed in?  It’s much harder.  No, it’s not about views.  If it becomes about “views” then it becomes about the self-absorbed issue I’m talking about.  Still, how can I REALLY reach people with the kind of beneficial content that matters?  To me, pop culture isn’t the way to do that.

With that said, I want to do better going forward, and I need YOUR help.  YES you.

I don’t want this blog to just be about Holly.  Holly is just the messenger.  I want to KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT TO KNOW!  I want you to sound off in the comment section below.

LET ME KNOW:  Are you enjoying the Interior Design posts?  What practical tips would you like to know about Interior Design?  With most of us being home more often, I feel like now is the time for more “home” posts.  I don’t believe there has been any time more important than now to love the space we call “home.”  Tell me if I’m wrong.

Photo by Dawn D. Totty Designs

Would you like to see more easy recipe posts?  Frugal living tips? More DIY organization posts?  DIY cleaners?  More faith and encouragement posts?  All of the above?  What else?  What benefits YOU?  What would make YOU want to subscribe to a blog?

And because I want to leave YOU with something beneficial today…………Here are 5 steps to being selfless in a self-absorbed world:

  1.  Ask people how they are, and TRULY wait to hear the answer.  Don’t just ask, “how are you?,” and walk on.  Doing so, shows routine and obligation….not care and sincerity.  Wait until they actually tell you how they are and respond to them.  Go a step further, and listen to what’s going on in their life, without feeling the need to immediately interject what is going on in yours.
  2. Be a person of your word:  If you say you’re going to do something….do it.  Man, oh man.  God has really convicted me about this one over the years. Admittedly, I’m a bit of a procrastinator.  I don’t “lie” to people, or break my word on purpose.  But if I tell someone we will get together soon, I want to mean it and follow through.  Even if my life gets busy, I want to keep my word.  If I tell someone I’m going to help them with something or make them a handmade gift….I don’t want the weeks to fly by.  I want to be an “over deliverer.”  When I look around, I think a lot of us get into a lazy mindset.  And dang it.  I’m one of them, sometimes!  My Pastor has taught me SO MUCH about this topic over the years….but he hasn’t just taught it.  He LIVES it, even though thousands of people attend our church.  He ALWAYS follows through.  He remembers what he tells people and does it.  If he can do it, so can we!  With that said, this tidbit, just reminded me I need to RSVP to a friend’s shower for an invite I received a couple weeks ago.  This is what I’m talking about, friends!  (Points at self).  Don’t be the person not to RSVP, because then, you just keep the host guessing on how much food and seating they need.  What’s even worse?  RSVP’ing with a “yes,” only to be a no-show.  What’s also bad?  To not RSVP, and then to show up when they weren’t expecting you.  What else?  Don’t be the person to walk out of someone’s wedding reception before the food is served, when you KNOW the bride’s parents already paid for your plate.  They paid for your spot, because they wanted YOU to have it.  They could’ve chosen someone else. Unless you have an emergency or something pretty major come up, it’s rude and disrespectful to just leave.  Everyone understands that unforeseen things come up….. but catch my drift?  (Again, I know I’ve been a hypocrite in the past on some of these concepts (such as RSVP), but I’m learning.  I’m trying).

    SONY DSC
  3. Do something nice for someone without ANY motive.  There doesn’t always have to be a payment from the other party, a barter, or a “deal worked out.”  What if every now and then we went out of our way and did something nice for someone, “just because?”  I’m going to go ahead and say, I think this one may be one of my strengths.  I feel like I do this one a lot.  In fact, sometimes I feel like I’ve taken this one a little over the top at times….but I’m sure in God’s eyes there have been times I could’ve done more, for every single time I think I may have “given too much.” At the end of the day, I’d rather give too much than too little.  But guys, seriously, sometimes we really should take off our “business, money-making, hat” for a minute.  Not everything has to be a huge contract with a signature on the line.  Every now and then, how about just doing something nice for someone….just because we wanted to bless them?  I’m not suggesting we let ourselves get “walked all over,” because we DO have bills to pay.  Many of us have businesses to run and jobs to do.  But still….there can be a balance.  What if you randomly brought someone their favorite coffee?  Wrote a letter of encouragement and sent it the old snail mail way?  What if you picked someone up from the airport and decide to turn down the $20 bill they offer you?
  4. If you have a good experience with someone’s service or business, write up a nice 5 star review for them. It only takes a couple minutes.  Why not?  If you yourself have a service or business, you know you would like the kind reviews too.  What’s more?  You could even share their page, or promote their posts on YOUR social media page.  If our pages are ONLY full of selfies and/or our latest accolades, perhaps we need to reexamine.  We can spare and share a spot for others sometimes too, right?

    Photo by Dawn D. Totty Designs
  5. Allow yourself to be inconvenienced every now and then.  This kind of goes along with #3, but can be all its own in some ways too.  My Pastor talks about this point a lot as well.  He teaches us that we should walk through crowds slowly, and pay attention to the needs of those around us.  Maybe the LAST thing I want to do on a Saturday night is give someone a ride 30 minutes across town, but just maybe, sometimes I should.  Maybe on that 30 minute ride, I’ll be able to give them encouragement.  Maybe they will get out of my car blessed and inspired.  Maybe sometimes we should lighten a co-worker’s load…..just because we can.  Maybe sometimes we should talk to that sweet elderly woman at the grocery for 15 minutes…..just because we can.  Maybe she needs your company more than you need to get home and cook dinner.  Allowing yourself to be inconvenienced every now and then is perhaps the unofficial definition of “selflessness.”

    Image by Rebecca Matthews from Pixabay

So there you have it.  The bottom line is, everyone is craving authenticity and selflessness.  People love to see kindness without motive.  Yes, the world craves “love,” as it is always said…..but without authenticity and selflessness, love isn’t genuine.  It doesn’t exist.  Love is easy.  True selflessness requires more effort.  No matter what our schedule or career path is, every day we have a chance to be an example of  “selflessness.”

I’d love hear your thoughts on all of the above:  Sound off in the comment section below!

Getting Back to the Basics: (When I reached my “Aha Moment”)

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
Getting Back to the Basics: (When I reached my “Aha Moment”)

I came to that grand “Aha moment” seven years ago, on the day of my beloved Grandma’s funeral.

But first, there I was at my one bedroom apartment right outside of Nashville.  It was early morning.  My phone was ringing.  It was my mom. I knew what she was going to tell me before I even picked it up.  I had been trying to mentally prepare, but still, I wanted to cry upon actually hearing the news.  

I got everything ready for Ohio, and I got into my car.  The first two songs that came on the radio were of no coincidence. The one that hit me the hardest was Mercy Me’s, “I Can Only Imagine.”  Grandma never did care about mainstream music, but she had once mentioned that song to me.  She had heard it and really liked it. In fact, it may have been the only mainstream song I had ever heard her mention.  Grandma and I were alike – yet so different.  I knew nearly every song on the radio, while she couldn’t have cared less.  By 2013, “I can only imagine” certainly wasn’t a new song and was seldom on the radio.  In that moment, I knew God was giving me the gentle reminder that Grandma was already at total peace in heaven with Jesus.

And there I was.  I was in my late 20’s and had marked things off my bucket list that I had never even put on there to begin with.  By all outer appearances, my life looked fairly exciting.  Why in the world did I still lack peace?

I thought I was “happy.”  I was sort of happy in an artificial kind of way, but happiness is so much different than joy.  To me, “happiness” is temporary and based on the circumstances of the world around me.  I lacked genuine joy and genuine peace.  How my heart “felt,” was dependent on my circumstances around me……..whereas with joy and peace, you can be content no matter what your circumstances. How I felt was very “conditional” on what was happening vs. what wasn’t happening.

Somehow though, that day opened my eyes in a way that would forever change me.  (Keep in mind I gave my life to Jesus as a child).  I was already saved, yes.  However, I hadn’t really surrendered everything to him in the way I thought I had.  I had accepted him, but not his peace.  I still insisted on complicating my life.  I had lost sight of the basics, and I didn’t even realize it.

My Grandma was undoubtedly proud of me.  She always told me so, but she also always told me she was MOST proud that I had chosen to follow Jesus.  She was the least materialistic” person I’ve ever known.  Her treasures were in Heaven, and it always showed.  All she really needed in her home was her Bible, a few chocolates, a crossword puzzle and some good company.  She hated clutter and was always trying to give something away.  She wasn’t a big shopper, and she cared very little about pop culture trends.  (She didn’t go many places, which I will admit remains a desire in my heart, personally). She would appear very simple in the eyes of this world, but when it came to what mattered most, she knew:   Jesus.  Family. Simplicity.

On the day of her funeral, there was a hint of irony, yet it wasn’t so ironic after all.  If I had to guess, though I cannot say for sure, Grandma probably never rode in a limo her whole life.  However, for her funeral, she had always requested that a limo drive her family to the grave site.  In usual Grandma fashion, she wanted to give “us” something comfortable, and she wanted her homecoming to be more of a celebration than anything else.

Very ironically, riding in a limo was one of the very few things I hadn’t yet crossed off my bucket list.  Crazy huh?  You would THINK I would’ve been in one at some point – a prom, or a special event of some sort, but nope.  This was my first time ever.  To date, it has still been my only time. This was certainly not how I wanted to cross it off, but reality sat in right there in that limo.  So much so, that I couldn’t even see any of its glamour.  It was in that limo that I had a realization that would forever change me.

I was nearing 30, and I had sacrificed love, healthy relationships, and even family time, all so I could pursue my dreams.  I sat in “glamour,” yet still felt pretty empty.  I realized it was eerily symbolic of my whole entire life.  Everyone my age and older in that limo had a special significant other.  I didn’t have anyone to sit next to me, or anyone “lasting” who would be there at the hard day’s end.

“So…THIS is what it ALL comes down to,” I thought.

I realized in that moment, Grandma had it ALL.  She had Jesus, Grandpa, her children and teary-eyed grandchildren that thought the world of her.  Because she had kept her focus, she was now ultimately enjoying the ultimate paradise – a paradise far better than any of my worldly success.

My resume had a lot on it….BUT…would my ultimate “legacy of love” ever be anywhere nearly as special as hers?

One-by-one, at her funeral, we had all talked about her love for Jesus, and how her simple and sweet heart had touched us all.

….It really hit me.  The things I loved most about Grandma had next to nothing to do with worldly success:  I loved how she saved newspaper clippings for us, the simple little snacks she kept in the kitchen for us, her marigolds, her ability to solve a wheel of fortune puzzle….and I just really loved how much she loved Jesus and her family.  

No one was going to care about a modeling gig I had at 25, an award-winning article I wrote, what events I attended, or any of my “career accomplishments” for that matter. 

Now, I knew this revelation didn’t mean I should STOP everything I was doing, but it meant I should definitely recalibrate.

What those who matter most were going to care about at the end of it all is my legacy of faith, how well I loved my family and other people in general.

Boom.  Ouch.

Now, ironically, after this realization, I would call 2013 and 2014 the most successful years of my “entertainment” career.  So ironic.  Ironically, right after I turned 30 (my most feared year), is what I would call the most successful year in the entertainment life.  When I realized how little it all mattered in the big scheme of things….I achieved more than ever before.  When I cared “less,” I accomplished “more.”  The upcoming year which would include my book release, was full of cameras, interviews, TV appearances and writing advancements.  This time though?  I handled it with a newfound perspective.  

…….And then, it was all gone again.  So gone. God certainly has a sense of humor.  He constantly reminds me how very fleeting it all is….yet brings me opportunities that I can store away as great memories.

(Spoiler:  I never did end up with a million followers on Instagram (in fact, I don’t even have a thousand as I barely give that app. any attention at all….but I now know how fleeting our “following” is.  I know I personally want to follow Jesus….not a pop culture figure).

I still worked hard, but I remembered the realization I had.  My Nashville journey would never look quite the same from then on out.  The greater purpose for being here had been revealed.

After ending 2014 with a bang, I tried to cut back on things I didn’t want to do.  I subtracted what no longer felt fruitful. I began focusing on my dating life, but that started out kind of ugly.  It still wasn’t God’s timing.  The most important thing was that my heart was now “open” to whatever he may have for me.  Subsequently, I FINALLY let go of a very long-term and dysfunctional “off and on like a light switch,” relationship that I had been holding onto for years.  It had been a stronghold in my life in many ways, but I finally sincerely made the decision that it no longer had a hold on me.  For the first time ever, I didn’t try to take back what I had given to him.

By placing the broken pieces in HIS hands, MY hands were finally open and ready for the right man.

On Good Friday of 2015, I got a new man in my life….a four-legged one.  I rescued a five month old puppy that would further change my life.  In no time flat, that little border collie I named “Rosco” became my life.  I didn’t feel like going out as much anymore.  He needed my attention.  He was sensitive and seemed to genuinely appreciate my company.  I was told that raising a border collie bares a resemblance to raising a toddler, and I soon found out that was true.  As silly as it sounds, it was a big reminder to me, that it wasn’t just “me,” I was taking care of. 

Also, no matter what I accomplished, my bank account never really matched it no matter how hard I tried.

Life became more about working to live….not living to work.

I’m not complaining though.  I’ve been blessed.  Life circumstances have beat me up more than a few times since moving here, but “Nashville as Nashville,” and the locals have treated me really really well.  So again, no bitterness.  I can hit the pillow tonight knowing I’m blessed and that if I never achieve one more accolade in this city, that I’ll be just fine.

Now, did I get frustrated about the road that country music was/is taking?  Frustrated doesn’t even begin to cover it.  I felt sick about it.  Really really sick.  Did I wait a little too long to pitch some of my songs that sound more 2006ish than 2020ish?  Probably so.  But that is okay too.  I was busy working full-time, and if I wasn’t pitching songs, I was working on something else.  I was probably on the set of a video or a commercial that (age-wise), I may not be casted for today.  Sometimes you just have to choose what you can take on and what you can’t.  But I’ll tell you why I care even less now than I did then:  Country music and my career is fleeting.  It won’t matter 80 years from now. 

Saving country music isn’t my ultimate purpose….saving souls is what is.

Also, as a Christian, I tend to believe that some things are just meant to be while others are not meant to be.  I truly believe if God is leading your life, you will always end up where you are supposed to. God knows what is good for us and what isn’t:  What we are ready for and what we are not.  What is timely and what is not. 

Frankly, there is currently too much going on in the world for me to be overly consumed with ANYTHING pop culture related.  Whether or not there is a lot going on….NOTHING is worth placing above Jesus at anytime.

And here I am today:  Here I am in 2020.  I wrote all of the above well over a year ago and just now decided to hit the publish button.  It’s all now so clear why I felt the strong push to get back to the basics.  Yes, the whirlwind of change continued after I fully placed everything into the Father’s hands.

I’m now going on 3 years of marriage with a husband I adore.  I found him to be the polar opposite of everyone I had dated in the past, and I knew I was ready for that. Though I hated the, “it happens when you least expect it,” cliche with EVERY fiber of my being…..it is exactly what happened in my world.  It happened so fast, that it happened before I even really fathomed it was finally happening.  It only happened when I fully surrendered my past, present and future.

Our precious daughter is about to turn 1.  We are currently planning her first birthday party.  I believe my big revelation was necessary for me to have what I have today.

She inspires me every day to be a better woman.  That rescue pup who first changed my life is well on his way to turning 6.  On both sides of the house, we have the most incredible families.  I was born into the best, and then I somehow ALSO managed to inherit the best by marriage.  I don’t want to miss anything.  I want to nurture, cherish and dedicate myself to what and who matters most.  

And now, I see even more just how much Grandma had it right:  It’s not about the quantity of people in our lives:  It’s about the quality.  It’s not about the possessions in our lives:  It’s about what we have in our hearts.  I remain thankful for my great “Aha Moment.”

No matter where you live, you have experienced the craziness of 2020.  For those of us in Nashville, we experienced tornadoes/storm damage, which was quickly followed by COVID-19 chaos.  Would you know that some of the PERSONAL challenges in my life during this first half of this year have been so overpowering at times, that I almost forgot about how crazy the world has become?  (My challenges have absolutely nothing to do with my marriage or family, so no need to speculate there).  

It’s certainly been a year that’s stretched me to say the least…..but it’s stretched me in the right way:  It’s sent me running straight into the arms of Jesus.  My only hope.  Your only hope.  Our only hope.  I believe EVERYONE’s time is short, but I also believe we do not have to fear.

With that said, I would encourage you to put all of the the things of this world on the back burner.  Is it okay to have goals?  ABSOLUTELY!  But if Jesus were to come back today, what do you want him to see you doing, and how do you think he wants to see you living?  

This is a question I cannot answer for you.  I can only answer for me.

Are we doing things that will matter for eternity, or are we consumed with the fleeting?  Have we over-complicated the Christian journey?

Faith isn’t complicated.  Jesus isn’t complicated.  Heaven isn’t complicated.  Conviction isn’t complicated.  His word isn’t complicated. We may never understand ALL of it, but the message of Jesus is simple.

Love isn’t complicated.  Compassion isn’t complicated.  Prayer isn’t complicated.  Helping your neighbor isn’t complicated. 

Avoiding unnecessary arguments isn’t complicated.  Thinking before you act, speak and post, isn’t complicated. 

With that said, sometimes I worry that I’m not bold enough.  I do know we are to share the truth.  I have been doing that, but I’m wondering if I do enough.  Still, I think about how my Pastor talks about waiting and praying.  Our wiser self often reveals itself later.  Perhaps this is why I’m sharing this blog a year after it’s creation, and why so many other drafts sit in my inbox for months on end.  I never want to post just to post.

I want to lead people TO the truth…never away from it.  I believe He created me to be an encourager, but I don’t believe He created me to be apologetic about His word either. 

Yes. There is a time to speak, a time to stay silent, a way to share and a way not to share.  

I’m still trying to find that delicate balance, but I do know one thing:  Everything I have just mentioned is a “basic.”  I hesitated to use the word “basic,” because the gospel is so far too amazing to be cheapened with a basic word like “basic,” so please understand, I’m only meaning to use it in the right context.  Sometimes we think of the word “basic” to mean “boring” or “uneventful,” but I use basic to say…..His way is necessary, essential and simple.  You don’t have to have a PhD or a VIP pass to be “in” with Jesus.  John 3:16 laid it out for all of us.  We can ALL have a PhD and a VIP pass into his kingdom by simply asking him into our hearts, asking for forgiveness of sins….and truly meaning it.

Do I see everything going on in the world right now?  YES!

However, as my Pastor said a couple months ago, “I am concerned, but not worried.”  I think that’s the place I find myself today.  I am certainly concerned about all that is going on, but I am not worried.  I’ve seen the end of the book of Revelation.  I know who wins.  His name is Jesus.  If you get to know Him, you too will win.

All you have to do is get back to the basics or allow yourself to accept the basics…..the beautiful, peaceful, life-changing, basics.

If you’ve never asked Jesus into your heart, you can now do so, by saying this simple, but meaningful prayer:  Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior. In Your Name. Amen.

If you have any questions beyond this, feel free to reach out.  I am here for you:  holly.cokkinias@gmail.com

Jamie Burke: Turning Setbacks Into Comebacks

hollymarietong Encouragement, Nashville Music, Personal Growth, single life, Women in Music , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment
Jamie Burke: Turning Setbacks Into Comebacks

When Jamie Burke made the move to Nashville, she had big plans and big dreams in the entertainment industry. In fact, her latest song and video, “Drive” describes her journey quite well.  Today, she still plans, but she hands God the eraser.  She still dreams, but her greatest dream is fulfilling God’s purpose for her life.

Though Jamie has undoubtedly enjoyed success and celebrated accomplishments, she has also experienced a great deal of curveballs, detours and adversity along the way.  She was first known for her high energy performances and breakup songs.  Then, she thought she finally found her Prince Charming….but then, it came to a screeching halt.

To top it all off, it happened very publicly.  Friends starting choosing sides, but Jamie chose the high road.

When 2018 brought her some of the most difficult challenges of her life, she knew she ultimately had two choices:  1.  Give up. OR 2.  Give it all to God.

……….She chose and continues to choose #2.

“God has truly manifested Himself into my life and my heart this year. I have had to rely on Him more than ever before. I whole-heartedly believe this was the year that God humbled me and made me realize not only am I not in control of the world around me, but that it’s ok, because He IS! As a definitive type A woman, this took me a while to be okay with,” reflects Burke.

As part of the “let go and let God” process, she found herself having to set free more than she ever envisioned.  Doors were closing and pages were turning, and in all of that uncertainty, she was reminded of her greatest certainty:  Jesus Christ.

“I have also lost a lot of relationships I was holding on to – some of these for too long.  I got to a place of wondering why I was alone.  Then, I found myself relying on Him for strength and direction, then realizing I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies when it came to relationships and friendships,” says Burke.

As she grows closer to the Lord and continues to remind herself of his promises, she feels the strong pull to purposely use the gifts he’s given her for His glory.  She knows he’s given her the gift of music to connect and to encourage.  She isn’t going to allow her adversities to happen to her in vain – she is going to allow Him to use the bad for the good.  She plans to be a light and to allow even her art and songwriting to go through the transformation process with her.

“2018 has been a year of growth, opportunity, and change. I have had some very high highs and some not so fun lows. I feel like I have grown a lot this year as not just a songwriter and artist, but as a woman.  I have learned to really respect myself, to be more empathetic and perceptive towards others, to appreciate little moments and to be more in the moment. As a writer I have learned to be okay with not sticking to one genre as well being more vulnerable and experimental with my lyrics and story telling,”  shares Burke.

Like most singers and songwriters in Music City, Jamie once felt the pressure to reach a certain level to consider herself “successful.”  Today though?  She is also free from that pressure.

“I believe God has spoken to me and worked in my heart in a very clear and obvious way that FAME is not something any of us should be seeking, which I think is something that is easy to do in the music/entertainment industry. He has really made me realize that while He has given me gifts and talents that should be used, it should never be about the fame that could and can come with it,” says Burke.

“I’ve had my eyes opened to really understand the impact of my music/art, and to really appreciate those moments where a stranger reaches out and says I inspire them or that they really love one of my songs.  Making a difference has become what matters to me,” she continues.

Speaking of encouraging strangers, Jamie has a lot to add.  She wants her fellow women to know that not only does fame not bring validation, but neither does our beloved social media world.

“I’d really like other women to know that social media really doesn’t validate you. Just because your photo didn’t get X amount of likes or you don’t have as many followers as this girl or that person, does not mean you are less beautiful, less valuable, less talented, or less interesting,” she encourages.

With her new chapter, has come new confidence…….but not the kind of confidence that happens from social media compliments or human approval.  In fact, she’s taken notice to not just how pressure-filled, but also how shallow, social media can really be.

“I see so many women my age who are just flat out trying so hard to look important, rich, skinny, fabulous, pretty or sexy.  They’re not even promoting a product or anything – just women trying to validate themselves.  I imagine a world where POOF….instagram is gone, BOOM….Facebook is gone.  Are you suddenly not important?  We allow ourselves to get sucked into that world and frankly, it’s almost like a double-life.  It’s all fake and manipulated,” Jamie says emphatically.

She wants other women to know that their real friends will call them, that their family loves them without or without filters and that check-ins aren’t vital.

“For me, this is another BIG area God has worked in me.  I now feel like social media is just a means of promotion and business marketing, but as far as airing every second of my personal life?  Dunzo.  Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt,” she says with certainty.

There are a few areas of her personal life that she doesn’t mind airing, however:  She has been knocked down, but she got right up.  She has been hurt, but she is allowing herself to heal.  She has been the subject of gossip, but she chooses to press on.  Most importantly, she chooses to love and she chooses to trust her healer and her helper. As a result, she is pressing on, enjoying the simple things and looking forward to the future.

“I feel like I am starting on my comeback! I’ve had a lot of setbacks this year. For example, people can get very brave online and post whatever they want about you, which is really disheartening at times. Most of it is not true…the rest is a misconstrued version of the truth. That has been hard for me. I wanted to fight back against allegations and gossip, but I decided to stay quiet, let things pass over, and just talk to you about it after the dust settles. Have I made mistakes? Yep. I’m human. We all have. I just got lucky and had things broadcast under a microscope. Have I learned from those mistakes? Yep…and I didn’t need any outside opinions or influence,”  shares Burke.

Though she had reason to become angry, she instead chose to build a strong foundation with the bricks thrown at her.  She also didn’t accept the invite to get bitter – she instead chose to get better.

“Those who know me know all the things I’ve struggled with – serious and heavy setbacks, but I’ve tried to maintain a positive attitude.  Most importantly, I’ve tried to be QUIET and LISTEN to God. What is He wanting me to do? Where does He want me to go? When I started listening is when big things began to happen. God picked up all the broken pieces of my heart and my life and said ‘these pieces are a great foundation to build something awesome on’. In doing this, I started to feel JOY and feel like I gained a lot of perspective on life, relationships, and the world around me,” says Burke.

As she began to experience a peace and joy unlike ever before, God began to talk to her about some of the other dreams he’s given her.

“I started my fashion line called 40 East. This is something I’ve always wanted to do,” reveals Burke.

Since she sincerely wants to design for the right reasons, she also donates a portion of each sale to St. Jude.

“I make custom tees, tanks, accessories and more and design everything, solely by myself,” says Burke.

In addition to to pouring herself into design, her passion for music is as strong as ever.

“I’ve also written more songs in the last 6 months or so than ever before and am halfway done with my upcoming 3rd EP/CD,” announces the Nashville entertainer.

“As I keep writing, the ‘problem’ has become ‘ok, what do I want to put on this record, what stories do I want to share, and production wise, where do I want this all to go?’  I’ve noticed that I am not just writing country anymore. I feel like I have grown as a songwriter and artist and used to put myself in a box of ‘I’m going to write this kind of music, I’m going to sound like this artist or that artist.’  Now, I’m just like, ‘I really like the way this sounds’ or ‘ya know what, I’m in a rock mood today’ or ‘I’m feeling this EDM track a lot.’  Collaborations and getting out of my comfort zone are more fun and more appealing,” she explains.

Alongside her love for the arts, she remains active in other various adventures.

“I’ve also been really fortunate to be modeling and doing all kinds of other projects now which I believe has come with the confidence and place I’m at right now,” says Burke.

“As this year or so has come to fruition, I feel like people have noticed a change in me…the way I carry myself has just become a more confident and self-aware person. I don’t believe this has anything to with my appearance! I believe this is 100% confidence in knowing God’s got this, confidence in who I am and what I can not only just offer in relationships and business opportunities, and an overall new approach to my health and fitness,” she continues.

Though her year was full of challenge, Jamie ultimately has come out victorious.  She’s turned her trials into triumphs and her fears into faith.  Rather than looking in her review mirror, she remains focused on the road ahead.

“When you are a genuinely happy person who is ok with who she is, I think the world can see from the inside out. I am staying busy on music and other projects, focusing on healing and health, listening to God and being open to whatever life is going to offer me. I am excited to see what the rest of this year and next year have in store for me…because while I’ve had some mountains to climb and major setbacks…I’ve learned…A setback is just a set up for your comeback!”

To learn more about Jamie and to listen to her music, visit her website.

To keep up with Jamie, follow  her Facebook pages for both her music and latest fashions.

10 Types of People You Should Love From Afar

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment

My ultimate goal as a blogger is to build up, to empower, to encourage and to share the love of Christ.  On this Christian lifestyle blog, I promote the importance of remaining “strong” in our faith, our convictions, our lifestyles and our goals no matter what life throws our way.  Remaining strong as a Christ follower means allowing him to be your strength in all areas, while depending on him for peace, wisdom and discernment. When we look to God for these things, we can rest assured, that at times, he will open doors, close doors and redirect us.  He helps us to see “calling conflicts,” and “devious distractions,” which aren’t good for our walk with him. He will help us to see what is healthy for our lives vs. what isn’t.  He knows what is good for the soul, and what is in contrast, damaging for the soul.  If you have read any of my posts, you know I love people….a lot.  My love of people is what led me to create, “Strong With Holly Marie Tong.”  “Compassionate” and “encouraging” are two words my closest friends would regularly associate with me.  I have to be real honest though:  I’m still human, and as part of being human, there are some people in this world, I’d rather not spend a lot of time with.  There are some people out there who I just cannot allow a spot in my little personal boat…..and I know God isn’t asking me to.  Do I love them?  YES!  I have countless acquaintances who know I love them and would do just about anything for them. While they may not be an “up close friend,” I’m glad to love and be helpful to them from afar.  Some of them are probably very “boat-worthy”….we just haven’t had a chance to get to know each other on a deeper level.  That’s how life goes sometimes, I guess.  With that said, I have a small metaphorical boat to keep afloat in this life.  As a result, I decided a long time ago, I need a small group of trustworthy folks paddling along with me.  What I do not need in my boat are folks secretly sawing holes into the side while I paddle with all my might.  I will always wave and be kind to those kinds of people as they paddle along in their own personal boat, however. I’ll probably even toss them a water or a life jacket while I’m at it too.  If they’re mentally drowning, rest assured, I care, and I will do all I can to save them.  However, I’m probably never going to consider them a “friend”……at least not a close one.

With that said, we should continue to love ALL people no matter what they’ve done to us and no matter what our differences may be……..BUT do not be afraid to love some of them from afar.  Our future successes and God-given callings depend on us being careful about who we let into our boats. God does not ask us to open our lives to drama, or to share our fears and struggles with everyone.  He does teach us to be wise and discerning.  (Proverbs 15:21).  In my personal experience, here are 10 types of people you should by all means “love from afar”…..but never actually allow into your personal boat.  If you want to stay focused, joyful, peaceful, strong and free of drama, strife and anger, here are 10 types of people you should love from afar:

  1.  The Gossiper.  Few people will bring you more pain, drama and problems than the gossiper.  They thrive off of broadcasting the lives of others.  Remember, if someone is comfortable enough to regularly gossip to you….they are probably comfortable with gossiping about you.  If you think you’re their exception, chances are, you’re lying to yourself. Also, if you’re comfortable with hanging out with a gossiper, you will likely soon become comfortable with gossip….if you haven’t already. Gossip is not approved of by God, whether or not we want it to be.  Sometimes it can be tough to keep our mouths closed, but…….Ephesians 4:29 says, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  If some form of juicy information you just scored isn’t going to “help” someone, or if it doesn’t affect them directly, why repeat it to them?  If your BEST FRIEND is the president of the town “Gossip Club,” it may be time to reexamine on several levels.
  2. The Opportunist Friend.  The opportunist friend is THRILLED to take the limo with you.  However, when the limo breaks down, this person is no where to be found.  Your true friend though?  They will be sitting beside you on that dirty bus when you’re down on your luck.  Opportunist friends are plentiful during your successful and “rolling in the dough,” times.  They’re glad to use your extra tickets and backstage passes, but when those things run out, they run towards the hills.  Your true friend?  They come over with ice cream, and they dry your tears, as the two of you sit on your old faded couch. She tells you you’re beautiful and that she’s blessed to have you in her life.  She does all of this KNOWING you have nothing to give to her, except your reciprocated love and friendship. The opportunist doesn’t see you….they see opportunities, advancements, promotion, materials, and maybe even fame, depending on the case.  It’s ALL about what YOU can do for THEM.  Sometimes being at the bottom is a beautiful thing.  It helps you identify who is who.  I’ve been in both places in my life more than once.  It’s interesting to see who is there, and who isn’t there, in both places.  True friendship is about going through ups and downs together…..not only being there during the ups.  The ups are the easy part. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”  I’ve never known an opportunist friend who truly cares about the other person’s soul, health, well-being or relationship with God.  Choose wisely.  Philippians 2 talks about not doing anything out of vain conceit or selfish ambition.  While we are definitely called to place others above ourselves, God never asks us to be advantage of either.
  3. The Narcissist. The narcissist is typically also an opportunist friend, but some people don’t even realize they’re a narcissist.  The narcissist may not be in it for material perks or cash, but they’re ALL about THEM.  A “friendship” with a narcissist is always a one-way friendship.  They typically only come to you when they need something or need to vent.  They’re probably not too worried about the fact that life is crashing down around you as well.  They cannot WAIT for you to be done talking, so that they can talk about them.  In fact, their eyes glaze over when you talk about you, for even just thirty seconds.  I’m not going to sugar-coat this:  After almost 13 years of being around the entertainment industry, I have a master’s degree, (possibly a doctorate degree), in this area.  Narcissists LOVE journalists and publicists…..when they’re writing about them, and their flawless image, of course. A narcissist will always, always forget about the journalist or the publicist once they get what they want….or better yet, when their job description changes entirely.  The non-narcissist humbly remembers acts of kindness and forever considers even “the little person” a forever friend from then on out.  Philippians 2 is a great place to look for the kind of humility that God calls us to have.  He tells us to look to the interest of others. If a person cannot EVER look to your interests, it isn’t God’s best friendship for you.
  4. The Digger.  This person lives life as if making “digs” at you is their job.  They’re typically also a very passive aggressive person.  The two characteristics go hand-in-hand I’ve found.  The digger never really has anything nice to say, but they LOVE pointing out your wrinkles and the five pounds you’ve gained.  They also particularly enjoy telling you how tired you look…..even if you’re not tired. They probably also let you know that your new vehicle isn’t their cup of tea, that they don’t like the color you’re wearing and that their house is bigger than yours.  They blow things out of proportion and make mountains out of molehills. They also love giving you an anonymous one star review on your book or song, as well as giving you a thumbs down on your You Tube channel.  The digger finds all your faults, but never considers complimenting you.  They typically pop up on your Facebook, Instagram or Twitter ONLY to make a dig.  You may not hear from the person ALL year, but they pop up solely to make a snide comment on your photo.  You may not have talked to them since high school, but they pop up only to argue on the first controversial post you’ve made in a long time.  They’re also infamous for only liking another person’s argumentative comment back to you on YOUR page, but they’d never consider actually liking YOUR post on YOUR page.  Funny enough, you forgot you were even friends with that person.  Man, not only are they a digger….they’re also a lurker. Though you’ve had more of a writing career than they ever have, they’re the type to happily find your one error on your blog post.  Not only will they find it….they will be sure to publicly alert you about it, in hopes of embarrassing you.  What’s more?  They’ve NEVER once shown any appreciation for your blog, yet they care SO much about your one error.  Now, a true friend probably is also going to let you know about the error.  However, they are going to privately alert you of it, because they care about you, and they want your blog to be at its best at all times.  They also want to save you from “the digger” pointing it out instead.  The digger never notices the 99 things you just mastered…..but they will always faithfully point out your 1 oversight. They are perhaps one of the most irritating people out there.  Yes, you still need to love them, but the Lord doesn’t ask us to bring these people into our boat.  EVERYONE has experience with a digger….especially if they’ve ever worked outside the home.  They think they’re smooth and sneaky, but what they don’t realize is how very obvious they are. It’s usually best to not acknowledge or engage them.  They’re just showing you how much of a frenemy they really are.  They want a reaction out of you, and they’re hoping that reaction is “anger.”  When they’ve clearly shown you that they’re rude and enjoy putting you down…..believe them, pray for them and love them from afar.  Do NOT let them in your boat, unless you want to sink.  The digger can also typically be classified as an “arguer.”  Can you tell I’ve met a few diggers in my lifetime?  Timothy 2:23-25 reminds us to have nothing to do with foolish arguments because they just produce quarrels.  If you hang out with the digger…..just realize that quarrels, anger, irritation and inferiority will become a normalcy in your life.
  5. The Constant Comparer.  This person is always better, faster, smarter, richer, skinnier and prettier than you…..in their mind at least.  It doesn’t matter what you do, what you buy or what you achieve….they can “one up” you.  At church, we’ve been on a series about being a “Great You” instead of a “Poor Me.”  Our Pastor pointed out a pattern with this way of thing:  There’s always an “ER” at the end of all of these words, and in turn, it sends Christians to a spiritual ER.  The comparer is obsessed with outdoing and outperforming, whether if it’s for the bad or for the good.  They care far too much about what others are doing.  Let me expand on the comparer even more:  The story they have to tell is always “more interesting” than yours.  Their past breakup was worse than yours.  They’ve struggled more than you.  They’ve survived more than you.  They’re stronger than you.  They’re more seasoned and experienced than you.  The comparer can never let a story be “your story” and let you get in a word edgewise….they always have to compare. James 3:16 reminds us, For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist,there will be disorder and every vile practice.
  6. The Copier.  The copier is similar to the comparer, but different.  The copier flat out tries to be you.  Rather than seek God to figure out their own individual purpose, gifts and talents, they decide to mimic you instead.  This is another concept we’ve been talking about at church that goes along with the comparer.  As our Pastor says, it’s okay to admire another’s talent, but when you desire another’s gift rather than hone your own, then it becomes a problem.  This is precisely how we end up pursuing paths that God never called us to. Desiring another’s life brings about jealousy and envy, which opens the floodgates to an unhealthy lifestyle. If you cannot say anything in front of the copier without them flat out trying to steal your idea….then it’s  a problem.  If you start making scarves….and they start making scarves 5 minutes later, something might be up.  If you start a personal training business…and they randomly start a personal training business one day later, then something likely IS up.  They may copy your individualistic wardrobe piece by piece….then act like it was their style all along.  They may even go as far as to try to make it seem like you want to be them, which is of course only going to bring more aggravation to the situation. The copier may seem cute and harmless at first, but when they start bringing drama, stealing your contacts, your business ideas and trying to steal your friends (real friends can’t be stolen), just like its elementary school….then you know this is a toxic situation to steer clear of.  Matthew 15:30 says, But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.  With even our hairs on our head being numbered it is certain that God has a special plan and purpose for each of us.  A person can only discover their true purpose through God, not through copying another.
  7. The Entitlist.  Is that even a word?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m making up words here?  Maybe someone who has never once said a kind word to me, should pop up to play Grammar Police if it isn’t a word?  😉  Okay, okay….staying on track.  The entitlist is similar to the opportunist, but they are not exactly two in the same.  The entitlist pops up ONLY if they cannot pay a bill or need a favor.  They may not necessarily ask for a backstage pass or free publicity, BUT they need $500.00 by Friday……..AND it’s up to YOU to give it them.  But WAIT?  We haven’t talked in 15 years….how is that up to me?  It isn’t up to you, sister.  This particular entitlist is healthy and capable of working, but they have chosen to not have a job of any sort for the past five years. They’ve instead decided it’s up to people like you to fund them.  They haven’t simply fallen on hard times or gone through a particularly rough year……this is simply their daily mindset.  Or here’s another one:  They don’t really know you, but they text you to pick them up at the bar at 2 AM on a Wednesday night. The next time you hear from them?  The same exact scenario, but it’s Thursday instead.  You get up for work at 5 AM…..they live on their own schedule and wake up at approximately 5 PM every day.  Let’s just say, you do help the begging entitlist once or twice.  Maybe not in ALL cases, but in MOST, they will continue to only pop up when they need something.  Your job is to give, give, give….and their job is to take, take, take.  While I’m ALL about helping and always will be (the bible most definitely encourages us to give to the needy), it is completely okay to pray, discern and decide these things on a case by case basis.  In fact, that’s the wise way to go about it.  We are to be helpful and giving, but we are not to enable sin or laziness in the process.  We should genuinely pay attention to people’s hurts, needs and struggles.  However, it isn’t up to us to foolishly drain our accounts and energy for the unappreciative, and for those who refuse to help themselves.  End of story. If you are unsure about what you should do about any given situation placed in your court, remember, James 1:5 –  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
  8. The Crowd Follower.  Have you ever heard of “birds of a feather will flock together?” Again, love EVERYONE.  Be there for people whenever you can….whether or not they’re in your main circle.  Be an outreacher and a giver.  However, remember those who simply follow the crowd never go much farther than the crowd.  Your calling and purpose is far too important to God to simply follow with the tide of the world.  Ask him who he wants you to be and where he wants you to go….and be willing to do whatever he tells you to do.  If your boat is full of crowd followers, you are probably going to remain in a crowded ocean full of other boats doing the same exact things.   You’re also probably not going to be doing what he specifically called you to do. Here’s a thought:  If you see a crowd….consider why you see a crowd?  Are they following pop culture or Jesus? It’s okay to be “friends” with a crowd follower of course…….but you probably shouldn’t be going to them as your main source of advice and support either.  Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.  Romans 12:22 spells it out as well:  “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
  9. The Liar.  This one is pretty obvious for obvious reasons, but sometimes in our quest to see the best in people, we refuse to see the truth that is right in front of us:  The fact that said person lies about every little thing…..all.the.time.  It doesn’t even always have to be a big lie. Some people are simply addicted to lying.  Sometimes they barely even know that they’re doing it or why they’re doing it. It could simply be telling you that they went skydiving back in 2008, when in fact they never did, or that they returned the Redbox movie you watched the night before, while it’s still sitting on their dresser. However, if they’re comfortable with lying about little things, they’re probably also comfortable with lying about big things.  An “inner circle” friend that isn’t honest is going to bring you all kinds of unnecessary hurt and drama in the long run.  If they’re not afraid to lie, they may not be afraid to steal either.  In fact, a pathological liar may not be afraid to do a lot of things.  A friend you can’t trust isn’t really much of a friend, are they?  Plain and simple.  Proverbs 16:28 says, A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.
  10. The High Maintenance/Easily Angered/Easily Offended.  These people all fall into the same category in my experience.  There is zero grace and zero understanding from this person when “life happens.”  One tiny “mistake” and their “non-measuring up” friend is gone, even if said friend has been extremely reliable otherwise. The mistake could be as small as forgetting to text back within the hour.  It could even be that you gave them advice they didn’t like….though they asked for your advice. This high maintenance person is probably also gossiping about you to another so-called friend about your “mistake.”  Interestingly, the friend they’re gossiping to is one you’ve heard them gossip about before……for their tiny “mistake.”  Allowing a high maintenance person into your boat is sure to replace peace with anxiety.  The high maintenance person is usually also a narcissist.  If you have to get off the phone five minutes after they call due to your kid waking up crying, and you KNOW they’re going to be offended by that, there is a problem.  They clearly have zero understanding of your family life and other obligations.  In general, this type of person is easily offended by just about anything and everything.  They’re offended that you didn’t call them yesterday, though you didn’t know you needed to.  They’re furious that you couldn’t attend their “makeup party” due to you already having a “date night” scheduled with your husband.  They’re angry that you didn’t like their Instagram photo, because well, you’re never on Instagram.  They’re offended that you believe differently than they do.  They’re annoyed that you didn’t ask them what radio station they wanted to listen to….in YOUR car.  They demand to see the restaurant manager, because the otherwise great server forgot to put their dressing on the side.  Heck, this kind of person may even tell the restaurant to change their thermostat, or to shut up the toddler ten tables away (who you and others are tolerating just fine). If you’re determined to maintain a friendship with a high maintenance person, you better also be determined to spend your life walking on eggshells. Likely though, you’ll end up anxious and insecure and in a quiet shell where you aren’t yourself at all.  This isn’t how a healthy friendship is supposed to look…. Proverbs 22:24-25 says, Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with the easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.

The truth is, most of us have been one or two (maybe more) of the types of people I mentioned above, at some point in our lives.  No one is perfect, and that is why Jesus died on the cross. The Bible says all have sinned and fall short of his glory. (Romans 3:23).  Thank the Lord for his grace!

The bible has a whole lot to say about our friendships and our associations as stated above though.  In 1 Corinthians 15:33, we also see, “Do not be misled.  Bad company corrupts good character.”  Isn’t is probable that bad company in our boat will eventually corrupt us?

Here is the thing though: If we want good friends, we should first learn how to be a good friend.  We shouldn’t expect to have loyal trustworthy friends, if we ourselves are not willing to be a loyal trustworthy friend. When we learn to be a good friend we will attract the right kind of friends.  If you keep attracting drama only, it may be time to examine why that is.  The examples above are examples of what not to be.  Thankfully, the Bible doesn’t stop at simply telling us who not to be….it also faithfully guides us towards who to be.  The books of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, along with the rest of the Bible (of course) is a great place to read about the kind of friend God wants us to be.

Here are of my favorite verses about the definition of a good friend and how to be a good friend:

Luke 6:31 – Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Colossians 3:12-14 –Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Proverbs 12:26 – The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Proverbs 27:17 – As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:5 – Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

John 15:12-15 – My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Proverbs 19:20 – Listen to advice and accept disciple, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.

It is crystal clear that our friendships and associations matter to the Lord.  If they matter to God….shouldn’t they matter to us?

 

 

Why A Little Sister Is One Of God’s Greatest Gifts

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Why A Little Sister Is One Of God’s Greatest Gifts

I’m going to be honest and up-front with you and admit I did not come up with this blog post idea on my own.  A couple days ago, my little sister posted a cute little link on my page about a big sister being the most important person in one’s life.  After we discussed how true and relevant the post was, she told me she thought I could write a great “little sister” one.  I agreed.  So here it is:  “Why A Little Sister Is One Of God’s Greatest Gifts.”

(Photo by Kat Bradshaw Photography)

Anyone who knows my sister and I, knows we are truly best friends.  It isn’t an act or solely just a social media type of thing:  I truly love my sister, and she truly loves me.  I know some sisters fight like a bunch of cats and dogs, but if they dare to look a little closer, they’ll find their best friend.  To be fair, my sister is a decade younger than me, so maybe that has always made getting along a little easier.  I see her like a young adult daughter, and she sees me as her second mom.  No matter what the age gap though, a sister really can be one of God’s greatest gifts to you.  Trust me.

(Photo by Kat Bradshaw Photography)

  1.  A little sister keeps you young, hip and cool. She makes sure you don’t dare to buy that ugly shirt, and she reminds you that “you’ve still got it.”  Even if you refuse to have Snapchat on your phone, she has you talking in goofy voices and wearing cat ears on her screen at the very least.  She gets you to cut loose, let your hair down and to rock out to the latest tunes in your soccer mom SUV.  She makes you go on an evening speed walk when you were thinking of vegging out on the couch instead. She can also sometimes even manage to talk you into staying out past 7 PM and socializing with other living creations other than herself, your husband and dog.  Sometimes……you even find yourself using words that only the “cool kids” are using.
  2. She shares the same parents, siblings and extended family as you do.  The “older sister” blog mentioned this point, and I completely agree.  Since you share the same family, you understand one another on even a higher level.  It’s a common ground and a connection that even your best “outside the family friend,” won’t be able to share with you.  She knows all the different personalities and situations and can give advice accordingly.
  3. There is no one you could possibly be more comfortable around.  There’s no greater feeling than being around people you are 110% comfortable with.  My little sister is and has always been that person for me.  We can talk about anything and share anything without feeling weird, awkward or worrying about what the other person is thinking.  There is zero pressure to fake a “bad day” and zero pressure to be anything, except exactly who you are.
  4. You get a great chance to develop motherly skills and to practice “low-key parenting”prior to ever actually becoming a mother. This may not apply to every sister out there like it does me.  I realize many sisters are so much closer in age than I am with mine, but no matter what, the big sister is supposed to look out for and protect the little sister.  Even if the big sister is only a year older, some kind of motherly characteristics are usually present.  My little sister was born when I was 11 years old.  I was so thrilled about her arrival that I was constantly wanting to step up and play “mommy.”  My mom allowed me to assist her in taking care of her as a baby.  Therefore, at 11, I was learning the great responsibility of taking care of a baby and all that goes with that.  I watched her grow and continued to care for her.  I practiced telling her “no,” and was sometimes the cool person telling her “yes.” I bought her little things, encouraged her, advised her and built her up.  When I didn’t think something was a good idea, I told her so.  When I thought something was a good idea, I told her so.  The same still applies today.  I haven’t had child #1 of my own yet, but in my mind, I’m the second mom of a 22 year old.  I advise her on life, encourage her walk with Christ and remind her that I’m always a listening ear.  We have the “back in my day” talks.  I try to make sure she doesn’t make the same mistakes I did 10 years ago.  I remind her that even if outside people disappoint her, that she can always trust me and know that I’m rooting for her every second of every day.  I let her know when I don’t “like” a guy and don’t want to see him in my home again, and I let her know when I have a prospect in mind for her.  Sometimes my opinion irritates her….but 99.9% of the time, just a day or two later, she thanks me for leading her in the right direction.
  5. You get to share clothes and all that cool girl stuff.  These days, my sister goes shopping a little more than I do.  She has great style and has been in the habit of buying shirts that can fit both of us.  That’s a win, win situation all the way around.  She also readily shares her beauty products with me.  Did I mention she’s also a hair stylist?  Need I say more?
  6. When you’re getting lazy with your goals, she lets you know.  Sisters know our gifts and our skill sets better than anyone else.  When mine sees me getting lazy on my goals or settling for less in life, she lets me know.  She reminds me of what I can offer this world and pushes me to stay at it.
  7. She’s slightly better at TV, technology and all the new “stuff.”  Okay, maybe slightly is an understatement for me.  I’m pathetic when it comes to technology and all the electronics of today.  I know the basics and that’s about it.  She figures out everything from internet files, to iPhone settings to TV buttons for me.  She’s the only reason we have Netflix, and she’s the one who reminds me when “Fuller House” is beginning a new season.  She’s the one wearing the Apple watch reminding me I can check my heart rate at any time.  Basically….without her, I’d still be sporting a Sony Walkman and boasting a TV with rabbit ears.
  8. When you feel like a zero….she reminds you that you’re her hero.  She looks up to you even when you feel like she may be the only one.  She sees the value in you even when you feel like few others do.  She boosts your ego and tells you you’re an incredible cook….even if you’re just a “recipe follower.”  She’s your encourager and your cheerleader every day if you learn how to be a “cool sister” and just let her be.
  9. You have a forever built-in best friend, “Maid of Honor” and plus 1.  Girls can be dramatic.  Really, really dramatic.  Throughout my life, different seasons have made me reevaluate who my real friends are and who they’re not.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I have some INCREDIBLE non-dramatic close friends, but I keep my circle small.  I have a few friends that would have been perfect as Maid of Honors and Bridesmaids, but when it actually came to my wedding day, my husband and I kept things small and simple in that area.  My sister was promised the “Maid of Honor” role since she was born.  When it came to my day, she selflessly treated it with care like it was her own.  She made sure that everything was perfect.  She bought me stuff along the way.  She hosted two showers for me.  She kept me chill, calm and collected throughout the whole process.  Even though I’m now married, I may sometimes still need a plus 1 for important life events.  If my husband can’t go, I know who can, and I know there will be zero drama in the process.  She’s one woman I will never ever have to question and that’s a great feeling.
  10. She always has your best interest in mind.  A good little sister always, always has her older sister’s best interest in mind.  A big sister can always rest assured that if the little sister is advising something or pointing something out, then there must be something to assess.  Though a big sister is said to be the protector and the “second mom,” the truth is, the little sister often takes on these same roles.  She’s the one running to Kroger to get your chicken noodle soup, ginger ale and saltines when you’re sick, and she’s the one checking on you when you were already expected home.

(Photo by Kat Bradshaw Photography)

To sum it all up……having a little sister is one of God’s greatest gifts and should never ever be taken lightly. Treat her great, and she’ll treat you great in return.

(Photo by Kat Bradshaw Photography)

I Don’t Have It All…..And That’s Okay With Me

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments
I Don’t Have It All…..And That’s Okay With Me

 

Hey, I have a confession. Sometimes I really try to have it all.

Do it all.  Say it all.  Hear it all.  See it all.  Save it all.  Dream it all.  Figure out it all.  Solve it all.  Experience it at all.  Accomplish it all. Be it all.

……And the worst?  I often expect others to have it all.

I came to this realization of myself several years ago.  It was a hard one to accept, simply because I didn’t want to accept my shortfalls or the shortfalls of other people.  Though I’ve gotten better, I still struggle sometimes with my standards of self and my standards of others.

Another confession?  I set such high standards for myself when creating this blog that I rarely post. In my mind, if it’s not an A+ piece to me, then no one else needs to hear it.  If it’s not earth-shattering, then I have no business in posting it when the world is already loud and full of countless, self-proclaimed experts (especially when I may overlook a typo)!

But today?  God is nudging me.

He knows I know I’m not an expert, but he’s also reminding me he doesn’t call “experts.”  He gives gifts, and it’s our responsibility to use those gifts and to go where he sends us.

So…..I’m hoping that just maybe, this simple, transparent, genuine blog post will help someone else out today.  Maybe it doesn’t have to be the deepest, the most articulate and the most revolutionary thing I’ve ever shared with you.  Maybe the message is in the shortfall of this blog in itself.

Maybe a little simplicity is what this complicated world needs right now.

So here it is guys:  NO ONE has it all.  There isn’t a writer that produces A+ material every. single. time.  They may tell you they do, but they don’t.  They probably just aren’t sharing their B+ material with the world.

This is probably only half of my writing collection at most. It is full of what I consider B, C & even a few D grade songs. Sure, there are a few A+ ones in here, but I probably haven’t let you hear those yet either.

There isn’t a basketball player that makes every. single. shot.  You just may not ever see them miss.

There isn’t an actor who gets everything on the first take, every. single. time.  You just happen to see the completed film.

There isn’t a doctor who never gets stretched, challenged or confused by a patient at some point.

There isn’t a photographer that takes the award-winning shot every time.  Sometimes even the best realize the pose or setting just wasn’t quite contest worthy.

There isn’t a family, a friendship or a marriage that never ever experiences conflict.  The social media photos people post only give you a tiny look into their lives…..not the full picture.  My Pastor once said something along the lines of, we often compare our lives to other people’s “highlight reels.”  Man, has that stuck with me.

Highlight reels are not the full picture, all day, every day….because:

There isn’t a talent that has it all.

There isn’t a career that has it all.

There isn’t an area that has it all.

There isn’t a home that has it all.

There isn’t a “dream come true” that has it all.

And most important to remember, there isn’t a person that has it all.  Does it seem like some people come close?  Of course!  Sometimes I play the comparison game and think, “DANG!  I wish I could be more like them.”  Does it seem like some families or relationships can come to having it all.  YES.  Some are so close to perfect, that you’ll never even be able to see the few flaws, that only God knows they have.

Does this mean we shouldn’t strive for excellence?  No way!  Does this mean we shouldn’t work to be the best Jesus follower, employee, parent, sibling, friend and spouse we can be?  Of course not!  In fact, I hope you’re working on that every day.  In the meantime, I will be too.

Here’s why we can’t have it all though, guys:  There is only ONE who has it all, and only ONE who will EVER have it all.  HE is the only one who is even capable of having it all.  His name is Jesus Christ. He knew no sin, and he knows no limits.  We knew sin, and therefore we have our limits, but if we serve the one who is limitless…..the results can be limitless.  We can’t be Him, and we never will be.  However, when we put our lives in the hands of the one who has it all, he can do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ever ask or imagine.

We can and most definitely should strive to be like Him, but ultimately, He’s always going to be above all.

Honestly, that feels like really good news to me today.  I don’t know about you, but for me, it gets exhausting trying to have it all.  It gets exhausting on the hamster wheel.  It gets exhausting being a perfectionist.  And exhausting trying to take on roles and do jobs that only He can do…..and it gets so exhausting trying to solve problems that only He can solve.

There is a time to do a serious inventory of oneself, and there is a time to confront others.  There is a time to reevaluate where your life is going, and there is a time to make changes.  But sometimes?  There is a time where we just need to relax and be content with “not having it all.”

Why?  Well, because when we’re content with not having it all, we open the door and invite God’s limitless power into our lives. God’s power is best magnified in the humble….in those who realize they don’t have it all.  It’s best magnified in those who realize how much they need Him.  It’s really difficult for an arrogant, prideful person to enjoy the abundance of the Christian life. If we think we’re equal to God, and that we have it all, how can we really live our best lives?  How can we really have an authentic relationship?  How can we really see the results we want to see?

When I expect others to have it all, I’m holding them to an unfair standard.  I’m expecting them to be perfect like God…and they’re simply not capable of it.  When I expect myself to have it all, I’m holding myself to an unrealistic standard that I’ll never ever be able to achieve.  I’m simply not capable.

It’s days like today that I think of what the Lord has been laying on my heart for about 12 years now:

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”  -2 Corinthians 12:9.

Friend, you don’t have to have it ALL.  Please free yourself of that expectation right now.  Why?

Because HE has it all, and HE is more than enough…..  Therefore, today and always, you are more than enough, simply because you serve Him.

Let his power rest on you.

15 things to never say to a “single” person

hollymarietong dating, Encouragement, Personal Growth, single life , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

 

Remember how I said I’ll forever relate to singles and forever understand them?  I meant it.  While I’m thrilled to be walking down the aisle soon, it doesn’t mean:   A).  That I’ve forgotten the struggle I once had, and the struggle so many people I love are still going through and B).  That I’m only going to talk to the engaged and married folks now.  God reminds me often (though I fail to blog as often as I should) that I’m not to forget the road I walked before Kyle.  He also reminds me I can be a fairly unique voice in this area (as can many of my gal pals).

“Meant to be at 33” is what I like to call this time in my life.  I’m not shy about admitting that I’m getting married for the first (and only time) a few weeks after my 33rd birthday.

I can hear some of you saying, “Oh, but you’re still so young!”

I say to you…well, unless you got married at this same age or older, and/or are still single yourself, say no more about my youngness, k?

I’m getting married later than average no matter what you may feel like telling me.  I wouldn’t have it any other way though.  In hindsight, I completely see why God had me wait longer.  I didn’t see it then, but I see it now.

I know I was not and still am not “entitled” to having a forever man….not at 23, 33, 43, or ever for that matter.  I know my fiance is a blessing.  I know many who are still waiting for that blessing in their own life.

I know I could very well still be in the position I was in just a year ago.  While I believe my single friends will ultimately one day find the person of their dreams, I remind myself to be very careful with what I say to them. I admitted in a previous blog that just because a few of the cliches I hated hearing like, “it happens when you’re least expecting it,” and “you’ll find someone one day,” came true for me, doesn’t mean I should make a habit of using those cliches on my friends.  They’re not ready to hear it yet, just like I wasn’t ready to hear it then. It also may not happen for them the same way it did for me, so why act like I know something they don’t?

As I feel blessed to be surrounded by all the love, assistance and well wishes that planning a wedding brings, I can’t help but wish that just a little more love, assistance and well wishes would be given to singles overall.  It’s just not culturally popular…and I wish it were.  While I’m extremely grateful to receive all of this now (and some have always given me it to me even as a single), I can’t help but wish there were more affirmation, positivity and resources surrounding the single life.

I know people often think of helping a young couple or a family, and I’m ALL for that, but I feel like people less often think about helping the single person, or seeing what they may need.  I’m not speaking for myself or for everyone here.

I’m saying, let’s just say you have an extra set of brand new dishes at home that you’d like to bless someone with:  While I’m not AT ALL against you giving them to the young married couple, why not also consider the single girl across the street that you know works super hard?

I can’t speak for all married couples, but I know I’m financially going to be better off as a married person, than I have been as a single person.  I think sometimes society sees “single,” and sees money and no one else to support, except themselves.  The problem is a single person often means paying double the bills, unless of course, said single wants to get a roommate.  The bottom line:  Let’s remember our single friends too!  Also, just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you can only have couples as friends.  No need to be part of a “married only’s clique,” or to get all high and mighty just because your relationship status has changed, right?

Now I’ve lived on both sides of the fence.  I can tell you that while relationships take work, the single life is overall the harder position to be in.  While I felt a great sense of strength and independence in that position, I faced more challenges overall.  Yes, some days I enjoyed the heck out of my single life.  I lived that life to the fullest every day.  However, I would rather have this life, than my former life.  I’m not going to lie about that.  I’m very thankful for my former life and wouldn’t ever take it back, but I’m not going to pretend it was a cake walk.  In fact, I’m going to acknowledge that it wasn’t on many levels.

While I don’t understand 30 years of marriage yet, I do understand what it’s like to be as single as spaghetti without the Ragu.  I also understand what it’s like to have someone wanting to protect me, to provide for me and to commit to me for the rest of our lives.

Now, with all of that said, the first best thing you can do for your single friends is try to avoid saying the wrong things.  Some are truly happy to be single.  Some people love the solitary life.  Some are very go with the flow…whenever it happens…it happens, kind of people.  (I was that way most days, but definitely not all days).  Some hurt every day over past relationships and past injustices.  Some worry about their future, and if they have a future in love at all.  Most though? They have something in common.  They don’t really need your advice and your attempt at consoling them, unless they ask for it, cry on your shoulder or vent to you.  I’m just saying guys.

Here are my top 15 never say to your single friends, statements:

  1.  “Married life is so hard.  My husband can be such a jerk.  Being single is where it’s at.  I’m actually envious of you and all of this freedom you get.”  Really now?  Really?  I don’t know all situations, but if one’s husband seems to be working hard, being an honest upstanding person, providing for them, and isn’t cheating on or abusing them, no one wants to hear it.  At all.  Likely, the person making this statement KNOWS they don’t really want to be back in the dating world, so why pretend they do?  It isn’t fooling anyone, and frankly, it’s really really annoying.
  2. “God needs to see you fully trusting him and being happy with him, and him alone, before he can give you a mate.” – (Says the 22 year old who is indirectly saying that THEY were the perfect Christian when they found their mate).  Umm…you’re not fooling us, sister.  You can’t speak for God here.  Maybe God KNOWS this fine single person is fully trusting him, and happy with him, but maybe he needs them to wait a little longer than you, for other reasons or plans he has for them. Maybe the person you’re saying this to is VERY in tune with God and celebrates the joy of the Lord every day….yet they still struggle with loneliness some days, or just feel ready for that next chapter that doesn’t seem to be happening.  Don’t tell them how to feel, assume their doing it wrong or minimize their faith.  Don’t make them feel not good enough.  Maybe they’re even good at being single….but well, they’re like 35, which is like 10 years older than you when you got married – so maybe you shouldn’t be the person telling them this, eh?  It’s not unreasonable that they feel “ready.”
  3. “When are you going to settle down and get married?  What about having kids?  What are you waiting for?”  This one pretty much speaks for itself.  For one, it’s no one’s business, but their own.  Two, they may struggle with why it isn’t happening for them.  Three, some of my friends, for instance, even already know they can’t conceive children.  It’s understandably a very hurtful subject for them.  These things should just never be asked…..ever.
  4. “You’re just too picky!  I can’t believe you weren’t interested in him!”  There are a lot of things wrong with this statement.  Where shall I begin?  No one should ever be told to lower their standards.  That is how this statement will feel no matter how it is said. Often the very person who says this is the very person who wouldn’t be interested in that failed potential either.  Yes, there are extreme cases…BUT picky is better than settling or taking the plunge before one is ready.  Since marriage is designed to be forever, it’s only smart to be picky.
  5. “You find them when you least expect it!”  I’ve mentioned this one A LOT lately.  Yes, this ended up happening in my life.  Yes, I was kind of annoyed that this was “how” it happened for me since I hated this cliche soooooo much, but the truth is, singles hate these words…and I understand why.  Been there, heard that, got the t-shirt.
  6. “Man…you get to travel and do whatever you want!  I want your life!”  Just don’t.  They’re probably broke and all their potential travel friends are probably also either broke or busy with their family lives.  Just don’t.
  7. “Work on you!”  Yes, some do need time to be single to work on them…but it’s probably best not to put it in those words. Even just “focus on you” sounds better.  Don’t assume they’re a piece of work.  It just beats them down and makes you look high and mighty.
  8. “Join a single’s group, do online dating etc.”  Again, these fine independent strong folk don’t usually need advice unless asked for.  They’re not living under a rock.  They probably know they can join this stuff if they want to.  You’re not teaching them anything new! 🙂
  9. “Man I pity you being in the dating world.  I couldn’t do it!”  How encouraging!
  10. “You don’t need a man!”  You’re right I don’t “need” a man….but apparently you do considering you’ve been married to your high school sweetheart for 30 years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m GLAD your marriage has worked.  That’s God’s will in fact….but singles really don’t need to hear this from you since you well,…..don’t get it?
  11. “You must be doing something wrong.  Let’s talk about what it is.”  No…..just no!
  12. “You’ve got time!”   This is equally just as bad as “time’s a-wasting.”  Someone married with three kids saying this to a single in their 30’s who hasn’t even begun the family journey, just isn’t a smart thing to do on any level.
  13. “Have you ever thought about dating your friend __________?”  Chances are you’ll just make things really really awkward.  They’ve either thought about it, talked about it with their friend, or never ever even entertained the thought ever.  Said friend may very well be like a sibling to them.  You’re not pointing out some new revelation to them, okay?
  14. “You’re too smart, too pretty, or too good.”  Yeah, that’s going to solve things….letting them know that unless they dumb themselves down, stop taking care of their physical appearance, or stop being so morally good, that they’ll end up single for life…
  15. “It was about time “I” or “they” get married.”  I saved this one for last because this was perhaps one of the most offensive statements ever made to me when I was in the midst of being completely single.  I was happy with my life overall, but this statement rubbed me so wrong.  I was talking to someone with a daughter younger than me who had recently gotten engaged.  This particular woman KNOWS I’m older than her daughter, and KNEW I was single at the time.  I was nice and congratulated her on her daughter’s engagement.  It couldn’t stop there though.  She proceeded to look me in the eye and say, “well it was about time!!!!” (as if it was absolutely shameful).  I could’ve laughed it off I suppose, but I recognized the dig and didn’t feel like letting her get away with it.  I instead politely looked her back in the eye and said, “Is it really about “time,” or is it more important to find the right person no matter how long that may take?”  I really caught her off guard.  Anyways, yeah….just don’t say this.

Alright guys.  There are probably a million more annoying statements, but this is all I have tonight.  I know I’ve graduated from hearing these statements, but graduating from these statements mean I’m heading for the annoying world of “when are you having kids, how many are you having and when do you plan to have another?,” world.  We all have our struggles.  Let’s learn to better understand one another.  What do ya say?  🙂

Chick Flicks Don’t Always Lie

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment
Chick Flicks Don’t Always Lie

God has a sense of humor.  I’ve known that for a good while now.  However, I’ve especially noticed it this past year.

For so long, I was basically single.  Yeah, I dated here and there.  Yeah, I almost always had a prospect of some sort.  Yeah, some of those prospects looked like they were going to go somewhere once or twice.  Still, there was something wrong with every situation I found myself in.  Nothing had run smoothly in that department for me since I was about 20 years old, and obviously that relationship ended as well.  As many of you know, my 20’s in the dating scene (in the entertainment scene at that), were so comical that I was inspired to write a book.

I called it “Chick Flicks Lie” and published it in 2014.  It wasn’t a confessional or a male bashing book.  I wrote it knowing it would forever be a part of me, so my tone and content would be very important.  I wanted it to be a book even my future husband could laugh at and be proud of.  It was how I coped with life turning out completely different than I had planned on.  It was how I laughed at myself.  And I hoped, it was how I made others laugh and feel understood.  I hope it still does that.

The truth was, that was a fun season in my life.  Chick Flicks Lie will most certainly live on.  It will always be a part of me.  It will always keep me humble and assure that I never forget the struggles I once faced.

It will always help me to keep a sensitive heart for other single women.  I will never stop relating to single independent women.

I sincerely hope my friends don’t just see me as “yet another girl” who just got engaged and is going to boast every step of her love life on social media.  I hope my engagement doesn’t bring more awareness to anyone’s singleness, but rather I hope it instead brings them hope.  I hope it brings them hope that even the writer of “Chick Flicks Lie” found her own love story.  I hope my engagement brings glory to God and what he can do.  I hope my friends realize if it happened for me just a little later in life, it can certainly happen for them too.

See, I knew what it was like to hang out in the single’s waiting room for much longer than I planned on.  It was partly by choice and partly not. I wasn’t running across the right situation, but I was kind of feeling ready to.

“It happens when you’re least expecting it,” they would say.

Man, I hated that cliche’.  I hated it so much I put it in my book as something us singles get tired of hearing.  But a funny thing happened.  That dang cliche came true for me.  Now, I find myself wanting to encourage other women with the line I once loathed.

Then, I tell myself:  “They’re not ready to hear it yet…..just like you weren’t ready to hear it then.  Tread carefully.”

Just like those who once encouraged me wanted me to see, I want to tell these strong singles that it will be okay.  I want to tell them that when “it” happens, it happens so smoothly and confidently that they will barely even know what’s happening.  They may feel like they’re in a dream for several months.  They may even feel like they’re still in that dream when they’re wearing an engagement ring and planning their wedding.

That’s where I’m at:  Feeling like I’m in a dream.  Still pinching myself that I got to my “someday.”  

Most days it’s just still hard to fathom that I met this guy at work in the late fall of 2015……and in just a little over 6 months, he’s going to be my husband.

I was literally in the midst of my little brother’s wedding at the time this man first entered my life.  It still feels like yesterday.  Just yesterday I had no one.  Today I have a fiance.

But “yesterday” (November 2015), I drove to Ohio with my sister and nothing in my personal world had changed, except that my younger sibling was getting married.  My dating life was still inconsistent and frankly dysfunctional.  I wasn’t digging the guy that I had been seeing.  As far as I was concerned, we were already completely done.  I didn’t want him to be the one.  I knew he wasn’t.  I knew he didn’t appreciate my heart for who I am.  I knew that it was only an attraction thing for him.  That wasn’t enough for me. I knew he was ultimately self-absorbed.  I knew it wasn’t going anywhere.  There I was on that single’s dance floor seeing if I could catch a bouquet.  It was all a continuation of my “Chick Flicks Lie” book.

I, the author, was simply continuing to live my own story.  I wasn’t crying though.  I was still laughing along the way (most days at least), just like I had encouraged my readers to do.  I knew I could already write a sequel, but had no plans to do so.

I had no idea that right about that time the following year, I’d be planning my own wedding with the handsome new guy I’d just met at work.  That very idea would have seemed completely incomprehensible to me at the time.

I thought I was getting another co-worker the day Kyle walked through our office doors.  He thought he was simply starting a new job in a new city.  The first few months nothing seemed especially significant between us.  I thought his smile was as cute as it gets, but there was no flashing neon signs saying he was “my one.”  We each thought the other was “nice” and “attractive,” but we certainly hadn’t communicated it.  We connected well during conversations, but at the time, they appeared to be more co-worker-like.  Looking back, there probably was a certain level of chemistry, but that happens sometimes between single guys and girls…..and then it never goes anywhere, ya know?

Funny enough, there was even a time period where I had the wrong perception of Kyle.  I didn’t yet recognize him as the man who would fall in love with my heart. I didn’t yet recognize him as the guy who would encourage me to continue my dreams…..or as the guy who stay on me about my recent lack of blogging.  It was unbeknownst to me that we would be the ultimate match and perfectly balance one another out. I had no idea he was exactly what I needed and that he would do all the above and so much more. I had no idea that God was doing a major work in both of our lives.

I didn’t know that another cliche’ I had always detested was also true:  “Sometimes what you’re looking for is right in front of you.”

Dang it….it happened to me.  It did.  I’m sorry, my dear readers.  This doesn’t invalidate my whole book or my Chick Flicks Lie concept though.  Stay with me for just a little longer please.

Chick Flicks continue to lie when they sell us an effortless, perfect journey to the aisle and beyond.

Kyle and I have to work at things just like you and your significant other do.  We work through the hard stuff and we get stronger from it.  We talk things out and keep it real.

I have no desire to post gigantic paragraphs each and every day about every detail of our relationship on social media.  He knows I love and appreciate him, because I tell him I do.  I know he loves and appreciates me, because he tells me he does.  We don’t just say it though.  We show it.  We have nothing to prove, and we’re not trying to keep up with the Jones.  We’re simple and subtle, but very much in love, whether we continually tell others that or not.

He’s never had to chase my plane down the tarmac like we see in our beloved Chick Flicks, but in our own less dramatic version….he has.

He may not grab his guitar and sing to me while I listen from my balcony (I don’t have a balcony first of all)…..but he has personally expressed himself to me in ways that top any chick flick out there.  You know, it’s the fun, real, goofy type of stuff when we’re on the interstate and he’s streaming and singing to his playlist?  That’s real life….and it’s beautiful.

Now, when he gives me gifts?  Yes, it really kind of is like something out of a Chick Flick.  The guy got me my dream ring after all.

My point is though, our overall reality is imperfect, but completely perfect for us.

Hollywood has a lot of great stories, but our story is my new favorite.

It’s not about a certain image, a bank account or fancy things…..it’s about how someone makes you feel when you’re with them.

When I think about Kyle, I think about how comfortable, secure, accepted, loved and transparent I feel.

I think about the fact that I feel just as pretty and as wanted by him whether I’m dolled up in a fancy gown or dressed down with zero makeup on.

I think about the fact that I’d usually rather just cook at home with him, than go out to the hottest date spots in town.

I think about the fact that I feel on cloud 10 watching the ID channel or a football game with him.

And I think about the fact that I don’t always have to be on que, or talking or have something overly significant to tell him.  I think about the fact that our silent moments are just as good as our conversational ones.

Look for these things, friends.

To my friends who are still single, all I can tell you is trust in God’s perfect timing, stay strong, live it up where you are today and stay open.  Don’t harden your heart or build walls of steel.  Yes, be slow to trust.  Yes, let someone earn their place, but don’t let fear get in the way of what could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.  Be open to the possibility of dating someone different than who you have normally dated.

For me, a hardworking co-worker and law student was that “different.”  The right kind of different.  The analytical, responsible, driven, organized, planner, type.  For you, “different” might look like something else.

And by all means, my beautiful singles, keep on envisioning the day when you finally meet your other half.  Don’t be afraid to wonder if you’ve already met him.  Yes, chick flicks really do lie…..quite often in fact.  But, chick flicks don’t always lie.  I’m living proof.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus, Love, Tolerance & America: The Unpopular Truth

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments
Jesus, Love, Tolerance & America: The Unpopular Truth
Alright….it’s time we just cut to the chase here.  I’ve been gone from this blog for far too long.
Go ahead and get mad at me, but God has really been placing some things on my heart:  Some things that are going to be considered unpopular in the eyes of the world.
I’ve hesitated to post this blog because Facebook (and the internet in general), is becoming such a war zone, and I HATE conflict.  However, after days (actually months) of not obeying him on sharing these words, I’m going to now.
In fact, I’m going to start blogging more. I started this “Strong With Holly Marie Tong” blog months back out of obedience to him, and I must confess I got lazy. I knew specifically what God was leading me to do with it, but I was afraid: Afraid of losing friends, afraid of saying the unpopular thing, etc.
 
……But today? I feel completely convicted. I know I’ve been putting it off. I know I’ve lacked boldness. I know it’s time for me to step up to the plate. So here’s just a small, small sample of what’s been on my mind:
 
No one is perfect and we all have our struggles. I know I don’t deserve God’s grace. I’m thankful for it every day.  <—- Let’s establish that first.

We’re all a work in progress and America is one big construction site. Let’s just remember who is in the center of it all.

I guess I’m just baffled by how deceived so many people currently are. There’s so much twisted logic. I see so much being “added” to God’s word and “taken away” from God’s word, as I scroll through the Facebook newsfeed, watch TV, read articles and just listen to people talk.
 
It’s one thing to struggle with sin (as we all do), but it’s quite another to ignore what the word says completely, to praise sin, to encourage sin and to flat out promote it. Whether I “like” EVERYTHING the word tells me to do or to not do….and whether I even always “do” everything it tells me to do or not to do..I *still* know what it says. WHY is this becoming such a hard concept for believers suddenly? I’m not even referring to non-believers here. I’m referring to believers.
 
Also, this tolerance stuff that is CONSTANTLY being preached:  In God’s word, we are 110% told to love one another.  Make no mistake. Love was what Jesus mentioned most in the Bible. YES! 110% yes…..but as part of that love, he NEVER said, “and please ignore the rest of my word, please trust everyone you meet without question and while you’re at it….make sure you praise and glorify false religions which are contrary to my word.”
 
Listen folks, we can 110% LOVE without agreeing with people or praising things contrary to the word.  We can also love without automatically trusting every single person we meet.  The Bible also tells us to be careful of the company we keep and to go to him for wisdom. Disagreeing with someone or calmly pointing to what the word says does NOT equal “hate.”  In fact, the word “hate” is becoming WAY overused. The media has fueled this and has loved every minute of it.  I think it is one of satan’s most clever schemes that these lines get blurred and that we mix all this up.  I think it is one of his most clever schemes that our loving Jesus suddenly appear as a tolerant Jesus who gladly tolerates sin and false teachings.  This is not the case, friends.  If you don’t believe me, please get into the word as I’ve had to.
 
I’ve heard my Pastor often say the reason God is so against sin is BECAUSE HE LOVES US and he’s against anything that hurts his children. With that thought in mind, are we REALLY loving someone when we encourage or praise them on the wrong path? A path that’s leading to destruction?
 
(IE – If I have a close friend that tells me they’ve decided they don’t need God, and they begin cheating on their spouse and lying to their children….is is really “love” if I tell them that I support them 110% in what they’re doing, all while knowing they’re on the path of destruction?)
 
Sure, we need to be extremely careful in how we handle one another. More often than not, I usually don’t “call out” anyone, unless they’re a very close friend of mine and we keep one another accountable.  Many times I just show kindness, try to be a positive example and hope I get through in some way. However, I also certainly don’t encourage people to live it up on a destructive path either. I can’t do that in good conscience. If anyone were to ask me how I feel about any given topic, I’m going to lovingly be honest with them. I believe that’s what we’re supposed to do. Oftentimes, the “opening” never quite happens, but when it does, that’s our chance to point to God’s word. And since GOD IS LOVE….kindly pointing them to his word is what I consider “love.”  If I’m out of line, I want to be told I’m out of line.  I’m glad my closest friends can be honest with me, rather than praise my sins!
I also keep noticing that some of the “love” and “tolerance” posters on social media….just happen to be the ones spewing the most hate and intolerance.  They’re the ones constantly posting, while some of us who truly do love others, but simply completely disagree, sit back and feel like we’re being lectured for simply believing the Bible.
 
It reminds me of Madonna’s recent speech: “I’ve really thought about blowing up the White House……….But I choose love.”
 
Let’s be clear about another thing too: Referencing the Bible is not “hate speech”…never has been, never will be. If you want to believe what the word says about “love”….then why don’t some of you believe anything else it says?  It’s as if a marker has scribbled out everything, except the word “love,” for some of you.
 
Just for the record:  This post is NOT directed towards any one single person. I have a wide variety of people on my newsfeed from all over the place and my head currently hurts from reading far too many statuses. For months, I’ve been holding back on posts like this.  As I conclude this blog, I see that I have 2,085 friends.  I fully expect to see that number decrease when I hit share….but you know what?  That’s okay.  I know my inner circle, and I know that those who truly love me will stick around.
 
For those of you that don’t like this…guess what? I’ve seen your relentless posts for MONTHS.  I haven’t agreed with many of you, but I’ve scrolled on past. I’ve continued to show you love and respect by not arguing with you and by continuing to treat you the same as I always have.  The question is, will you show me the same?
 
Those of you that keep preaching love, but yet appear to “hate” our president: Just remember while preaching love and tolerance that love and tolerance should also be available for people who actually support President Trump. Love and tolerance should also be extended to Christians who believe in the whole Bible.
 
Phew….That’s enough for tonight.  Just know that I’m BACK!  Stayed tuned for my next upcoming blog.