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“My Times Are In Your Hands”: Modestly Managing “Mommy Madness”

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“My Times Are In Your Hands”: Modestly Managing “Mommy Madness”
Photo Credit: Veri Ivanova

I don’t know about you, but I often struggle to believe that time is my friend.  I often struggle to believe that the load I’m carrying is even currently manageable…..or worse – Is it even sustainable in the long run? I’ve learned the hard way that I cannot control much of anything at all, despite my best efforts to do so.

The truth is:  Most days it’s a struggle to get even 15 minutes to sit and breathe.  It doesn’t help that my mind is programmed to believe that productivity is vital at all times.  The biggest problem is, I get overwhelmed by my massive to-do list.  I get so overwhelmed that nothing gets done at all.  For every big task I get done, two unexpected ones get added.  If I do get 10 minutes to try to tackle any given task, I either end up with a phone call, an unexpected favor that’s been asked of me…..or maybe, I catch my two year old coloring on the walls yet again. Yes.  Think of “Harold and the Purple Crayon.”  That’s our current situation, and then some.  Little man always seems to find those writing utensils no matter where I store them (of course he gets into everything else right now, too).  He’s a joyful tornado, if you can imagine that.

And the mess.  It’s everywhere.  I mean, everywhere.  Our bar area is covered by random knick-knacks, pages ripped out of books, loose change, pens that don’t work and buttons that have popped off.  You’ll also find random chargers, hair ties, clippers, broken toys and owner’s manuals.  And let’s not forget the stack of papers I still need to read, analyze, sign, return, file, etc. And the laundry obnoxiously piles up before I can even put away the last load.  If I were to detail everything I’m behind on, this blog would turn into a boring book.  It all looks and feels embarrassing if I’m fully honest.

“I’ll get to it tomorrow,” I tell myself.

This full-time working outside the home AND as a stay-at-home mom, “life,” is exhausting to put it mildly.  And only those closest to us truly know everything my current life entails AND demands.  But, I also know, 20 years from now, I’ll be glad I fully took on “the hard,” instead of running from it.

And, I really, really do try.  I’m trying to be disciplined, but the messes, and “the messages” on my phone, computer and mailbox often hit me like a ton of bricks.  I often feel like the average day brings a lot of “unexpected nonsense” which keeps me from the bigger priorities.

……..Anyone else feel that way?

And….I’ve always heard, “chase 2 rabbits, and both get away.” Many days I feel like I have 200 rabbits on the go and 100 fires burning.  And, while trying to figure out which one to attend to first, I get overwhelmed and give up.   If my head were a computer, I’d have 200 tabs open and running at all times.  “Which priority is the BIGGEST priority?” is a question I silently ask myself often.

And, I’ve been trying so hard to maximize my time.  I’ve been trying to work with what I DO have for time, instead of dwelling on what I don’t have for time.  I’ve had to learn to be creative.  I’ve had to learn to spot “not-so-obvious, opportunities” for time with God, time to catch a breath. Every school pickup turns into a “prayer drive” afterwards.  I grab a coffee, a quencher or a smoothie for me, and two dairy-free smoothies for the kiddos.  We drive down that beautiful side road on our way home, as if it’s our first time looking at those gorgeous mountains in the distance.  We pray, we worship, we reflect.  This is how I want them to know me.  Sure, mommy probably lost her patience earlier that day, and may be on the struggle bus again that night….but, I want them to know that praise and worship is what I’ll always return to.

Yes.  As hard as it may be –  I’m trying really hard to give God my first 15 minutes of the day (which is Clara’s drive to school M-F), my middle of the day 15 (or a full hour), and my last 15.  I find my last 15 to be the most challenging.  Give God your first 15 and your last 15 was pre-marital counseling advice Kyle and I received from the fabulous Rob Simms of Joy Church.  I haven’t always abided by this priceless advice, but I also have never forgotten it either.  I always eventually default back to this goal.  I find it to be so key.

I recently heard another pastor say, “if you speak about lack of time, you’ll have lack of time.”

I recall another saying, “I’m too busy to NOT spend time with God.”

And so, I’m trying.  I listen to church services and/or inspirational videos while I fold the laundry, wash dishes or shower.  Sitting and waiting on my car to receive its maintenance is now basically a spa day for me.  I now see the smallest openings as opportunities vs. a lack of time.

As I write this blog, I’m multi-tasking both kids.  Weston thinks we are playing pickleball together.  So in between each sentence, I’m literally serving the ball as far as I can across the house.  I take my free 30 seconds before he returns the ball, to write another sentence or form another thought.

((Please Lord…..help this blog entry to make sense.  Help it to not have 101 errors that I don’t even have time to spot before I hit the publish button)).

So, yes.  I’m trying to clean, declutter, organize, execute, and be a whole lot to a lot of people these days.

BUT…..

Despite the mess, despite the chaos….the good Lord meets me right there in the midst of it.  Every time.  He’s right there with me as I’m literally running through the living room obstacle course of random junk, trying not to trip.  He’s right there with me, as I’m launching both kids into their car seats knowing I don’t have any time to spare.  And, he’s right there with me as I’m behind that slow-moving dump truck that is going to make me 2 minutes late for that important appointment.  And when I ask him the best alternative route when I come upon that train that’s stopped on the tracks…..he is faithful to remind me of the best way to get 45 minutes away, on time.  He’s right there with me when I feel exhausted, defeated, unheard….and right there when I experience life’s victories too.

He is always faithful.  But, I’m still learning to remember, “My times are in your hands.”

But I know it’s true.  I know that even when I feel like I don’t have time, I can be assured that he will provide me with time…even if it looks like more multitasking again.  He will maximize what I do have.  He’s the captain of this ship after all.  The less manageable and sustainable this feels, the more I lean on him.  The more I know I need to trust him, to be my strength, to be my guide, and to be the one who goes before me.  The more I remember when he says:  “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And sometimes I simply have to remind myself:  He can do more in 15 minutes than I can do in 15 years.  He can turn it all around in the blink of an eye.

Again, our times are in his hands…..and his hands have never failed…..and they never will.

**************************

((Key verses)):

My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. (Psalm 31:15)

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5:15-16)

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.  (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.  The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:8-9)

When God Speaks Through A Border Collie

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When God Speaks Through A Border Collie

Almost 6 years ago, I made my way to a couple shelters to look at dogs.  It was Good Friday and my sister was persistent that we do so.  I reminded her that a dog is a huge responsibility and that we were just “looking.”  I insisted that we were not getting a dog just for the sake of getting a dog, and that I would only consider adopting one if I fell in love and experienced a true connection.

The first time I met Rosco, he looked depressed and withdrawn.  The other dogs around him were jumping, barking and trying to get our attention.  But, I found myself drawn to the quiet one.  He wanted my attention, but he was incredibly subtle about it.  It didn’t hurt that he was a 5 month old puppy and couldn’t get any cuter if he tried.  When I went to put him back in his cage after our acquaintance time, he didn’t want to go.  Even though he was shy about it, the connection was mutual.  He wanted me to be in his life, and I knew it. Still, I knew this was a big decision and didn’t want to make it on impulse.  In fact, I made myself drive away to “think about it.” Within an hour, I drove back to the Nashville Humane Association as quickly as I could, ran to the front desk and said I wanted to adopt “Herman.” I immediately renamed him “Rosco,” and the rest is history.

I never did find out much about his history before life with us.  I just knew his heart was hurting and that he was sad to be surrendered.  Though he let me pick him up and hung out near me in the beginning, he was pretty introverted in our early days.  I could tell I needed to earn his trust.

Over time, I noticed I was earning that trust I longed for.  It wasn’t long before he was jumping up on my bed and sleeping next to me.

[Rosco was before the days of Kyle and Clara].

We have quite a history together.  Prior to the year 2014 when my sister moved in, I was super independent.  I never really had to look after anyone, but me.  Between my sister and then Rosco, I finally felt like I was getting a taste of parenting.

The one thing I never did understand about Rosco early on was the fact that he could never seem to enjoy car rides like the average dog does.  I thought if we simply went on more car rides, he would grow more comfortable and trusting of them – but he never did.  Now, here we are years and years later, and his car ride anxieties remain.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that something negative clearly once happened to him on a car ride.  My best guess has always been that he remembers his car ride to the humane society where his previous owners left him and never returned.

Anyone who has a border collie understands what I’m about to say:  Their mind is said to be very similar to that of a toddler.  They are known to be incredibly smart, and they seemingly have a remarkable strong memory.  Their deep thinking disposition can be good and bad.  Unfortunately, Rosco spends A LOT of time in his head and forgets how to just be a dog.  He seldom understands how to be carefree. So many times I’ve wished he would just wag his tail and immediately accept every person and dog he meets without question, but I know that isn’t him.  If he’s scolded in any way, you can rest assured, he will hang on to that correction, until I say, “It’s okay, Buddy. ”  My words usually aren’t enough.  I often have to pet him and give him a treat to assure him that we are “good again.”  Many nights, he goes and lays in his bed located in our master bedroom and just hangs out by himself:  Likely overthinking life.  The mind is always going, and I see it when I look at him…..especially in the car.

Whether he goes on a short drive to the lake or a long car trip to Ohio, he tenses up, pants and is unable to enjoy the view around him.  His shedding gets even worse than it already is (and his normal shedding is already really bad), and he refuses to eat or drink anything unless the car is completely stopped.  I try to pet and encourage him.  I try to tell him we are just going to see his grandparents.  Over and over again I’ve said:  “Rosco, buddy.  I’m not taking you to the pound.  It’s been “x” amount of years now.  When are you going to trust me and realize I love you, and I’m keeping you?  You should know me by now.”

I found myself thinking about that today.  What is it going to take for him to trust me? He’s 6 1/2 years old, and he’s been with me for a majority of his life now.  Haven’t I proven myself?  Doesn’t he know my track record?  Can’t he just simply remember all of those car rides that ended well?  Why does he still think about the one that didn’t?  Why is that one time still his dominating thought pattern?  Why can he not just accept the treats and water I try giving him?  I’m trying to nourish his body on those road trips.  Why does he reject my help and instead choose fear?

But then, I sensed God turning it back to me.  Something along these lines was placed on my heart:  Sometimes you’re a lot like Rosco, Holly.  We’ve been together a long time now. I’ve proven my faithfulness to you over and over again.  Sometimes instead of rehearsing all of those past victories that you’ve experienced through me – you sometimes still find yourself thinking about the traumas and disappointments you’ve experienced instead.  At times, you’ve let the bad outweigh the good.  Sometimes you get so taken up with your fears and anxieties that you struggle to nourish your mind, body and soul with what I’ve already provided you with.  Sometimes you get so focused on the “what ifs” and what you’re afraid of that you forget to enjoy the view and the beauty around you.  Haven’t I shown you enough to where you too can sit back, take a deep breath, relax and take in the beauty around you?  Haven’t I shown you enough to where you too can “just be,” sometimes?  I said I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you, and I meant it.  I won’t take it back.  You are my child, and I want to continue to take care of you.  It’s time you believe me, my child.

…..And there it was.

Perhaps I have a standard for my dog that I myself cannot always meet. Perhaps he has learned to trust me in most areas, but has struggled to trust me with that one.  Maybe I’m a little like that too.  Maybe I give God most of the rooms of my house, but maybe I hold back on giving him that one area. Maybe one day, I’ll squash all my fears, remember His track record, trust him so much that I forget all my fears, sit back, completely relax and just enjoy the view.

Maybe one day, Rosco will do the same too.  In the meantime though, I’ll continue to give him grace, pet him, comfort him, offer him treats and water and dab anti-anxiety essential oil on him – because I love him, and it’s my job to care for him.  I’m not going anywhere, and I want to remind him of that promise even if he doesn’t always readily accept it.  I will continue to pursue him.  He is my fur child.  We are in this thing together.

Wow.  It’s true:  God can even speak through border collies.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  -Deuteronomy 31:6

A Time of Fine Lines: Welcome to 2021

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A Time of Fine Lines: Welcome to 2021

Welcome to 2021, friends.

During these chaotic times, I’ve been a bit in chaos with myself.

I know who I am, and who God has called me to be.

From a very young age, I knew he called me to write.

I knew he called me to encourage & to lend a hand.

…But…at the same time, I knew he called me to stand for his truths & to defend his word.

I knew my assignment wasn’t always going to be fun or easy.

I knew I would eventually experience persecution.

His word said I would.

I knew people wouldn’t always like what I had to say…

….But I don’t think I ever anticipated this.

January 13, 2021.

For years, I’ve been preparing for perilous times.

I’ve been eternally-minded since 2005, despite some detours and “trying to forget who I am” a few times.

And for the last 16 years, I find myself constantly thinking 4 words.  And they may not be the 4 words you’d expect.  They are, “It’s a fine line.”

What do I mean?

I tell myself I’m not afraid, and most of the time, I’m not.

…But a little bit of uneasiness causes me to strongly rely on the Lord for my peace.

It’s a fine line.

…..And I’ll admit, I feel angry today.

A little righteous anger is okay, I remind myself.

…But unrighteous anger and placing the world above the word is not okay.

It’s a fine line.

….I’m constantly having to check myself before I wreck myself.

“It’s a fine line.  It’s a fine line.”  These words keep coming to me over and over again.  I always thought these words were just for me, but today, I feel like they may be for all of us.

….There are so many fine lines I know I must walk.  And as I walk those fine lines, they make me depend on Christ that much more.  I rely on him to tell me how far to go, and I rely on him to tell me when to scale it back.

…I allow him to discipline me, to humble me and to pull me back in.

So many fine lines.

Do I listen EVERY single time?

Of course not.  He never took away my “humanity” when I gave my life to him.

…But I still remember these fine lines in the back of my mind.

I’m called to lift others up…..but not called to pretend there isn’t a real enemy in the world.

It’s a fine line.

“All bliss” isn’t realistic or authentic, and we should stop pretending it is.

At times, I’m called to a little bit of neutrality…..but never to apathy.

It’s a fine line.

Apathy is weak and dangerous….and makes us all the more easy to devour.

It’s one of my pet peeves.  But sometimes I know I’m not supposed to “get involved.”

It’s a fine line.

I’m called to love….but love doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone.

In today’s America…..that’s a REALLY fine line, and one of the biggest misunderstandings there is.  I’ve said it one thousand times before.  Love doesn’t = agreeing.  And disagreeing and following God’s word doesn’t = hate.  God’s word is not hate speech.

I’m called to be meek…..but not timid.

I’m called to be bold….but not mean.

I’m called to speak out….but not to just be noise.

More fine lines.

I’m called to forgive…..but not to forget or turn a blind eye to everything around me.

I’m called to be a light that doesn’t hide under a bushel…..but not to be a strobe light that blinds other’s visions.

I’m called to unite (with people)……but good must never unite with evil.

I know addressing this even now is another one of those “fine lines.”

Folks, please hear my heart:  It isn’t “people” we are fighting in America right now.  It is the rulers of darkness – the unseen world.

“Ephesians 6:12, NLT: “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”

While people should certainly come together and treat one another with kindness…..there is an evil in this world.  We have to acknowledge the ugly.  There is an evil that actually has nothing to do with politics in of itself…..it just happens to make its way into politics, because it can accomplish so much in that realm.  Evil isn’t clueless.  It wants to be seen.  It wants to make a large impact.

Evil knows it can make it’s largest impact in politics and in entertainment.  Evil wants to work through public figures.  It wants to affect the masses.

[What better place for evil to exercise its power than in politics?  Whether you love politics or hate them, they have an affect on your life and your family’s lives].

…But still, there is a fine line. We shouldn’t become inundated or ever start trusting man above God.  No matter who is in the white house, we know who is on the throne.  Just don’t try to tell me Christians should be apathetic here.

….And I now must return to DIVISION:

….I’ve been thinking a lot about the fine line surrounding “division.”

….Not all division is diabolical.

….I said, “Not all division is diabolical.  Sometimes division is necessary.”  Let me explain.

…..I’m called to unite (with people)……but good must never unite with evil.

…..People should unite with people as people…but that doesn’t mean compromising on morals, values, or the word of God.

….Both good and evil will exist in this world until Jesus returns.  Blame it on Adam and Eve and the apple.  We live in a fallen world.  The love and healing we put into this world can certainly make it a more beautiful place….but it doesn’t drive out ALL evil.  It just makes it harder for evil to have its way.  Evil never likes “losing people.”  It always wants to have its way.

Good should always unite with good. People should always unite with PEOPLE.

….But good must not ever unite with evil.

….Uniting with people, but not with ideals can feel like a fine line sometimes, but they are not one-in-the-same.

….I hope we can learn that difference.

…Again, we are not fighting people.  We are fighting agendas, evil plans, corruption, lies……which is ultimately, the rulers of darkness.

…Democrat or Republican, we are seeing the rulers of darkness working in each party right now.

….God is calling us to love and be kind, certainly.  But he isn’t telling us to toss his word, and to unite with evil, either.  

What am I really saying?

I’m saying we should all watch what we say.  There’s never been a more important time than now.

Having a mission of causing trouble on social media isn’t exactly the best use of our time. 

And while it’s much nicer, rightfully garners more approval and certainly doesn’t cause any harm, making “love others and be kind” posts right now aren’t exactly going to just stop all of the evil at work..

 

While there is certainly nothing “wrong” with your post (in fact there is so much right about it),  perhaps it’s the powers-that-be at the top knowing nothing about love and kindness that is the biggest problem here. 

Maybe you and I already know quite a bit about love and kindness…but…maybe, just maybe, THEY are incredibly corrupt….and perhaps they are the ones fueling all the “hate and division” that is so often talked about.  

Love and kindness though does have to start with us though, yes.

Once again. It’s a fine line.

We shouldn’t be getting into pointless arguments, deleting people we love out of our lives, taking each other off Christmas card lists and damaging our relationships with one another.  We shouldn’t be cursing, name-calling or making hurtful accusations.  We also shouldn’t be constantly pushing forward stories and memes that may very well not be true (and that goes for everyone).  There’s already enough confusion out there.

We shouldn’t claim to know everything about anyone’s heart, or exactly where they stand with God.

…..But, the word does say we will know them by their fruit.  So again, it’s a fine line.  We may not see the evidence, but God sees it all.

Yes, the word says we will know them by their fruit.  But this doesn’t mean we should pretend to know everything about their relationship with God, or where they’re going when they die.

And back to social media….

Fighting on social media accomplishes nothing.  We all know this.  No one’s mind gets changed.  [Actually taking action and being the change you want to see in the world is what DOES do something].

….But, remember this doesn’t mean you should become a weakling either.  This doesn’t mean your rare “stance post” is pointless, argumentative or not impacting a life for the better.

And as the old saying goes, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.”

Again, apathy is so dangerous.

Perhaps, some of us have had to speak out.  Maybe we are just fed up.

…..But as I said, there remains a fine line.

…There is a TOO MUCH, and there is a TOO LITTLE..

….That isn’t to say EVERY single person should speak out.  You really cannot go wrong with sitting back and holding your peace.  When you don’t know what to say….saying nothing is always the better option.

…If someone doesn’t feel led of the Lord, or feel knowledgeable about such topics…..silence remains much better than noise and incorrect information.  We should never post just to post, or speak just to be heard.  Lord already knows we have enough of that on the internet and on our televisions.  Again, if you don’t know what to say, saying nothing is always a respectable choice.

I think we all know what TOO much looks like….but….

What is TOO little then?  My thoughts:  KNOWING God has called YOU to speak out, to share your stance, to take some kind of action…..and either ignoring or disobeying that call.

As I’ve been saying, there is a time to speak and a time to stay silent.

I was mostly silent for 4 years, except an occasional “neutral” public statement.  After November 3rd, I realized my time had arrived.  And I feel confident saying that.

As a Pastor I respect recently shared:  Do not become angry with God’s messengers. “If they are wrong, let him deal with them.  And then watch how they deal with being wrong.”

I believe I am in the right by speaking out right here, right now, BUT if I’m wrong (and I’ve been before)….I guarantee you, he will show me.

If I’m wrong about the political climate right now, I’ll eventually humbly come to you all when the timing is right…..and let you know.  You can hold me to that.

I believe I was wrong about politics 20+ years, and even as little as 6 years ago.  I’ve already shared that with you…but I do not feel wrong now.  The young me hadn’t truly done her research and didn’t yet know how to think objectively.  I just knew my side, and I really didn’t want to know the other side.  It wasn’t comfortable for me.  I had to allow myself to become uncomfortable and to challenge myself.

I hung my head at times, but I realized the value of learning from my mistakes.

I’m sure I’ll be wrong on parts of what I’m saying, but I’m talking about the big picture here.  Love me or hate me for that…..but you happen to believe you’re right as well, right?  I still have that right too, correct?

I never claimed to believe I was right about EVERYTHING.  I hope no one on this earth honestly believes they are right about EVERYTHING….but sometimes it kind of looks that way, huh?

Now, to wrap all of this up, here are a few other things on my heart:

  • Those who profess to be a follower of Jesus Christ need to remember not to destroy their witnesses during this time.  There isn’t any post or statement that is worth destroying your witness over.  However, if worded properly and prayed over, you can be bold, while still being kind.  You don’t have to destroy anything.  You may make someone angry or hit a nerve in the short-term for sure, but a TRUE God-led “speak-out” will never truly DESTROY your witness in the long-term.  That would be a contradiction, and I don’t believe that.
  • People need to refrain from saying hurtful things they will regret later.  Some things you just can’t take back…
  • No matter how much you believe someone to be wrong, deceived, or misguided, they probably passionately feel that way about you in return.  Remember that.  Again, the battle is not between people.  I’m not friends with anyone who I think is “evil,” and I sure hope no one is viewing me that way.
  • No matter how much you believe what you support to be a stance of love, justice and truth and the direct opposite of hate, injustice and lies……those who believe differently also think their stance to be that.
  • Remember the “fine line” as you go through life.  It’s made a difference in mine, and after years of trying to follow this way of thinking….I decided it was time to share.

The fine line just keeps getting finer.  But hey, the finer the line….the more we can look above for help and wisdom.  (James 1:5).  

We are all a work in progress and America is one big construction site.  Let us just remember who is in the center of it all.

12 Survivalist Tips for 2021: Wisdom Versus Fear

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12 Survivalist Tips for 2021: Wisdom Versus Fear
If you follow me on Facebook, you may have read my post yesterday.  It was long as usual, because well, I have a hard time condensing.  Sometimes I get off track.  With that said, I’m afraid this information may have been somewhat hidden due to length.  I still want as many of my loved ones to see this as possible, so I’ve majorly condensed my original post. 
As I mentioned on Facebook, I refuse to get into a political debate.  These tips should not become “politicized,” and I’m honestly not sure why they would after what we ALL just witnessed in 2020…..regardless of our stances. 
This is simply me caring about EVERYONE, regardless of their beliefs. 
 
  • I just believe based on what I’m hearing and seeing…..as well as knowing that so much of what I was warned about 5-10 years has already happened, that we should be prepared. 
  • I cannot predict what is going to happen or when.  I will not pretend to.  I said we should be prepared – not fearful.  I want to emphasize that important piece right now.  The Lord reminds us over and over again not to fear, but he also gives us plenty of insight to know that we still have some responsibilities we must hold up in this life. To me, reasonable and unselfish preparation is wisdom….not paranoia.  
  • I am not speaking of buying out your grocery stores, hoarding, or getting a “me-me-me” mindset). 
  • Unselfish preparation means doing so with the Christ-like willingness to share your “extra” with a neighbor or someone in need. 
  • While the Bible never specifically tells us to “stock up,” I don’t believe that some wise planning means “you don’t trust God enough.”  Though God loves, protects and provides, we do live in a fallen world where the enemy seeks to destroy.  I think the vast majority of us have also had at least some small experience with a natural disaster or extended power outage.  I personally have witnessed “scarcity” in areas. 
  • I’m just trying to remind everyone I love that it’s okay to be realistic and take a few notes from 2020.  With further ado……
 
12 pieces of “survivalist advice” for 2021:
 
1) Stay calm and stay IN THE WORD….not in the world. Give every single one of your worries, fears and anxieties to God. I made this #1 for a reason. Even though nothing looks “okay” right now…it will be okay, as long as He is where your ultimate trust is invested. He WILL provide, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do our part to some level.
 
2) Stay stocked up on necessities. Do not freak out….I repeat, do not freak out, get selfish and buy out your whole grocery store. That is not what I’m suggesting at all, so please do not blow this out of proportion.
However, if at all possible, try to always have 2 weeks to a month of groceries and necessities on hand.  If you stock up over time (unselfishly and here and there), you may realize you have a good 2 month supply on hand.  And how awesome that you may be able to help a neighbor, an elderly person in need, or someone else God may put in your path.
 
I was warned about 10 years ago that the toilet paper/general paper panic was coming. No lie.  So I always had extra…but I always left PLENTY for everyone else.
 
I know so many people think TP and paper goods are the biggest concern (and I agree to grab a pack each time you go to the store), but don’t forget that there are supplies more important than paper.
Do have bottled or jugged water, canned veggies, fruits, soups, beans, meats, jerkys, peanut butter, crackers and other non-perishable sources on hand. If you’re a canner…can away all you can. If you have a garden and are a farmer…you are two steps ahead.
 
I personally don’t like the idea of an overkill of processed foods, but in a survivalist situation:  I’ll be thankful for my processed junk. Typically, I try to limit what I bring into the house and avoid sweets-buying, except for those fun splurges that we all deserve. And due to my medical instructions for a high salt diet (I’m seriously not joking), I have to keep chips and crackers in the house at all times. I’m telling you there is still a place for “some” non-perishables.
Getting the “fresh” may not always be so easy and accessible for a time. Unfortunately, we also know the “fresh” doesn’t last long.
Though it may disgust you and your health beliefs, you probably should have some canned meats in your cupboard that are good for years to come.
Also, if you can afford it – a 30 day survival kit at some point wouldn’t be a bad idea.
It’s also wise to keep soaps, toothpaste, hygienic/cosmetic supplies, detergent and cleaning products on hand.
For years, I’ve been buying ahead on some of these things as well (1 or 2 at a time while on sale or as I can). I have a couple shelves in my closet of little things I have extra of. I never let it get out of hand and always use the oldest first. This is not like the extreme couponing show, okay?  I have ZERO use for 300 bottles of ketchup. Just remember, if shortages occur, I’m far from the ultimate “doomsday supply house.” Please know that. 😂
 
Laugh all you want, but after the big TP craze happened, I thought, “yep…. it ended up happening just like I was told it would.” (Still, this didn’t mean anyone should be selfish and fill their whole entire cart. That’s just silly).
 
…Moving along…
 
3) Keep a full tank of gas. If you have a habit of leaving your car near empty, I at least beg you to stop that much. This is not rocket science during. This isn’t earth-shattering or ground-breaking, no matter what is going on in America.
 
4) Keep cash on hand. (Even it’s just $100-$200 in the safe). Notice I never said an obscene amount, but if you can, but there’s nothing wrong with having some “rainy day cash.”
 
5) I know medications can be tricky, but keep a little extra of your over-the-counter prescriptions, supplements, vitamins and naturopathic oils on hand.
 
6) Have a good, working, manual can opener.
 
7) Be prepared for your babies:  I thought this one was worthy of its own point though it can go with groceries, because I’m always concerned for our little people: If your baby takes formula, keep an extra can on hand. There are even recipes to make your own formula (click here) in an emergency, but I know some of our littles only take certain kinds.  The link I provided will give you some other alternatives and ideas. If your baby is to the cow’s milk point, keep a carton or so of powdered milk on hand just in case.  We all know cold, grocery store milk doesn’t last real long. Don’t forget an extra box of diapers and some extra wipes, along with their other little important supplies. If you buy baby food from the jar or little squeeze packs, try not to let your supply run super low.
To go along with this one, be prepared for your pets:  Their food, treats, and their treatments, such as flea & tick, as well as heartworm.
 
8)  Keep some extra batteries of all types, on hand – especially AA’s (at least that’s the most popular one in our home).
 
9) Make sure you have a working flashlight, lantern, some candles, matches or anything of the like.  Even an ancient battery-operated radio isn’t such a bad idea, if you can get one.
[Again, laugh all you want.  Just know, I’ve been in a prime spot for tornados, power line problems, transformer issues and power outages. Since moving here in 2005, I’ve survived a major flood, a couple close-call tornados, a derancho (I didn’t even know what that meant), a VERY minor earthquake (barely worth mentioning), a big city environment during COVID-19 (my closest Kroger is the busiest one in Nashville)….and most recently:  As my friends know, I live 20 minutes from downtown Nashville.  The Christmas day explosion was felt in our subdivision.  I just happen to have Verizon and Comcast versus AT&T, so my service was uninterrupted. Still, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sat in the dark the past 10 years. In this house alone, it’s probably been at least 8 times in 6 years… and I’m not referring to little 5 minute outages either).  Just now, I didn’t come to these suggestions without some personal experience of what CAN happen].
Along those lines, I personally don’t own a generator. They are very expensive as you know, but if you have extra money sitting around….smart idea.  I also recently learned you can rent them, but realize they may be “hard to rent” during massive outages.
 
10) Tools to take your vitals at home are always smart: The Omron 3 blood pressure monitor is reasonable and accurate. Pulse oximeters cannot hurt.  A good working thermometer is also a plus, etc.
 
11) Turn off auto updates on your phone. (I’m not going to get much into this one or why I’m saying it). Also make sure you have a couple working phone chargers (one of which will also work in your car)…and even a little ready-to-go power pack isn’t such a ridiculous idea.
 
12) On my mind today: Never depend too much on social media (or even your computers or electronic devices to preserve your precious pictures and videos). Make sure your photos and videos are in multiple places, and print your most important photographic memories, if you can.  Technology, social media outages, and power issues cannot steal our prints.  I know this one seem to be of less importance than the others, BUT I still believe it’s too important not to mention.
Now, please note:  I am NOT claiming or setting it in stone that you will need all of this stuff right here, right now. I’m just suggesting we all take a few notes from the unpredictability of 2020, and learn to expect the unexpected.  I’ve seen and heard too much lately to think that healthy preparation is irrational.
And one more time:  Our *ultimate trust* has to continue to be in the Lord…not in materials or in humans. However, I can promise you that He doesn’t frown on reasonable and unselfish precaution.
In life, there is a “God part” and a “man part.” We are still responsible to act and be assertive in certain ways. He gives wisdom and understanding to those who ask.  When you pray for wisdom and understanding, you may not feel the way I do.  That’s okay too.
If you have some survivalist tips of your own that didn’t make my list, I’d love to hear from you (please share them in the comment section below)
With all of that said:
God bless you and your loved ones….and God bless America…❤️

Getting Back to the Basics: (When I reached my “Aha Moment”)

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
Getting Back to the Basics: (When I reached my “Aha Moment”)

I came to that grand “Aha moment” seven years ago, on the day of my beloved Grandma’s funeral.

But first, there I was at my one bedroom apartment right outside of Nashville.  It was early morning.  My phone was ringing.  It was my mom. I knew what she was going to tell me before I even picked it up.  I had been trying to mentally prepare, but still, I wanted to cry upon actually hearing the news.  

I got everything ready for Ohio, and I got into my car.  The first two songs that came on the radio were of no coincidence. The one that hit me the hardest was Mercy Me’s, “I Can Only Imagine.”  Grandma never did care about mainstream music, but she had once mentioned that song to me.  She had heard it and really liked it. In fact, it may have been the only mainstream song I had ever heard her mention.  Grandma and I were alike – yet so different.  I knew nearly every song on the radio, while she couldn’t have cared less.  By 2013, “I can only imagine” certainly wasn’t a new song and was seldom on the radio.  In that moment, I knew God was giving me the gentle reminder that Grandma was already at total peace in heaven with Jesus.

And there I was.  I was in my late 20’s and had marked things off my bucket list that I had never even put on there to begin with.  By all outer appearances, my life looked fairly exciting.  Why in the world did I still lack peace?

I thought I was “happy.”  I was sort of happy in an artificial kind of way, but happiness is so much different than joy.  To me, “happiness” is temporary and based on the circumstances of the world around me.  I lacked genuine joy and genuine peace.  How my heart “felt,” was dependent on my circumstances around me……..whereas with joy and peace, you can be content no matter what your circumstances. How I felt was very “conditional” on what was happening vs. what wasn’t happening.

Somehow though, that day opened my eyes in a way that would forever change me.  (Keep in mind I gave my life to Jesus as a child).  I was already saved, yes.  However, I hadn’t really surrendered everything to him in the way I thought I had.  I had accepted him, but not his peace.  I still insisted on complicating my life.  I had lost sight of the basics, and I didn’t even realize it.

My Grandma was undoubtedly proud of me.  She always told me so, but she also always told me she was MOST proud that I had chosen to follow Jesus.  She was the least materialistic” person I’ve ever known.  Her treasures were in Heaven, and it always showed.  All she really needed in her home was her Bible, a few chocolates, a crossword puzzle and some good company.  She hated clutter and was always trying to give something away.  She wasn’t a big shopper, and she cared very little about pop culture trends.  (She didn’t go many places, which I will admit remains a desire in my heart, personally). She would appear very simple in the eyes of this world, but when it came to what mattered most, she knew:   Jesus.  Family. Simplicity.

On the day of her funeral, there was a hint of irony, yet it wasn’t so ironic after all.  If I had to guess, though I cannot say for sure, Grandma probably never rode in a limo her whole life.  However, for her funeral, she had always requested that a limo drive her family to the grave site.  In usual Grandma fashion, she wanted to give “us” something comfortable, and she wanted her homecoming to be more of a celebration than anything else.

Very ironically, riding in a limo was one of the very few things I hadn’t yet crossed off my bucket list.  Crazy huh?  You would THINK I would’ve been in one at some point – a prom, or a special event of some sort, but nope.  This was my first time ever.  To date, it has still been my only time. This was certainly not how I wanted to cross it off, but reality sat in right there in that limo.  So much so, that I couldn’t even see any of its glamour.  It was in that limo that I had a realization that would forever change me.

I was nearing 30, and I had sacrificed love, healthy relationships, and even family time, all so I could pursue my dreams.  I sat in “glamour,” yet still felt pretty empty.  I realized it was eerily symbolic of my whole entire life.  Everyone my age and older in that limo had a special significant other.  I didn’t have anyone to sit next to me, or anyone “lasting” who would be there at the hard day’s end.

“So…THIS is what it ALL comes down to,” I thought.

I realized in that moment, Grandma had it ALL.  She had Jesus, Grandpa, her children and teary-eyed grandchildren that thought the world of her.  Because she had kept her focus, she was now ultimately enjoying the ultimate paradise – a paradise far better than any of my worldly success.

My resume had a lot on it….BUT…would my ultimate “legacy of love” ever be anywhere nearly as special as hers?

One-by-one, at her funeral, we had all talked about her love for Jesus, and how her simple and sweet heart had touched us all.

….It really hit me.  The things I loved most about Grandma had next to nothing to do with worldly success:  I loved how she saved newspaper clippings for us, the simple little snacks she kept in the kitchen for us, her marigolds, her ability to solve a wheel of fortune puzzle….and I just really loved how much she loved Jesus and her family.  

No one was going to care about a modeling gig I had at 25, an award-winning article I wrote, what events I attended, or any of my “career accomplishments” for that matter. 

Now, I knew this revelation didn’t mean I should STOP everything I was doing, but it meant I should definitely recalibrate.

What those who matter most were going to care about at the end of it all is my legacy of faith, how well I loved my family and other people in general.

Boom.  Ouch.

Now, ironically, after this realization, I would call 2013 and 2014 the most successful years of my “entertainment” career.  So ironic.  Ironically, right after I turned 30 (my most feared year), is what I would call the most successful year in the entertainment life.  When I realized how little it all mattered in the big scheme of things….I achieved more than ever before.  When I cared “less,” I accomplished “more.”  The upcoming year which would include my book release, was full of cameras, interviews, TV appearances and writing advancements.  This time though?  I handled it with a newfound perspective.  

…….And then, it was all gone again.  So gone. God certainly has a sense of humor.  He constantly reminds me how very fleeting it all is….yet brings me opportunities that I can store away as great memories.

(Spoiler:  I never did end up with a million followers on Instagram (in fact, I don’t even have a thousand as I barely give that app. any attention at all….but I now know how fleeting our “following” is.  I know I personally want to follow Jesus….not a pop culture figure).

I still worked hard, but I remembered the realization I had.  My Nashville journey would never look quite the same from then on out.  The greater purpose for being here had been revealed.

After ending 2014 with a bang, I tried to cut back on things I didn’t want to do.  I subtracted what no longer felt fruitful. I began focusing on my dating life, but that started out kind of ugly.  It still wasn’t God’s timing.  The most important thing was that my heart was now “open” to whatever he may have for me.  Subsequently, I FINALLY let go of a very long-term and dysfunctional “off and on like a light switch,” relationship that I had been holding onto for years.  It had been a stronghold in my life in many ways, but I finally sincerely made the decision that it no longer had a hold on me.  For the first time ever, I didn’t try to take back what I had given to him.

By placing the broken pieces in HIS hands, MY hands were finally open and ready for the right man.

On Good Friday of 2015, I got a new man in my life….a four-legged one.  I rescued a five month old puppy that would further change my life.  In no time flat, that little border collie I named “Rosco” became my life.  I didn’t feel like going out as much anymore.  He needed my attention.  He was sensitive and seemed to genuinely appreciate my company.  I was told that raising a border collie bares a resemblance to raising a toddler, and I soon found out that was true.  As silly as it sounds, it was a big reminder to me, that it wasn’t just “me,” I was taking care of. 

Also, no matter what I accomplished, my bank account never really matched it no matter how hard I tried.

Life became more about working to live….not living to work.

I’m not complaining though.  I’ve been blessed.  Life circumstances have beat me up more than a few times since moving here, but “Nashville as Nashville,” and the locals have treated me really really well.  So again, no bitterness.  I can hit the pillow tonight knowing I’m blessed and that if I never achieve one more accolade in this city, that I’ll be just fine.

Now, did I get frustrated about the road that country music was/is taking?  Frustrated doesn’t even begin to cover it.  I felt sick about it.  Really really sick.  Did I wait a little too long to pitch some of my songs that sound more 2006ish than 2020ish?  Probably so.  But that is okay too.  I was busy working full-time, and if I wasn’t pitching songs, I was working on something else.  I was probably on the set of a video or a commercial that (age-wise), I may not be casted for today.  Sometimes you just have to choose what you can take on and what you can’t.  But I’ll tell you why I care even less now than I did then:  Country music and my career is fleeting.  It won’t matter 80 years from now. 

Saving country music isn’t my ultimate purpose….saving souls is what is.

Also, as a Christian, I tend to believe that some things are just meant to be while others are not meant to be.  I truly believe if God is leading your life, you will always end up where you are supposed to. God knows what is good for us and what isn’t:  What we are ready for and what we are not.  What is timely and what is not. 

Frankly, there is currently too much going on in the world for me to be overly consumed with ANYTHING pop culture related.  Whether or not there is a lot going on….NOTHING is worth placing above Jesus at anytime.

And here I am today:  Here I am in 2020.  I wrote all of the above well over a year ago and just now decided to hit the publish button.  It’s all now so clear why I felt the strong push to get back to the basics.  Yes, the whirlwind of change continued after I fully placed everything into the Father’s hands.

I’m now going on 3 years of marriage with a husband I adore.  I found him to be the polar opposite of everyone I had dated in the past, and I knew I was ready for that. Though I hated the, “it happens when you least expect it,” cliche with EVERY fiber of my being…..it is exactly what happened in my world.  It happened so fast, that it happened before I even really fathomed it was finally happening.  It only happened when I fully surrendered my past, present and future.

Our precious daughter is about to turn 1.  We are currently planning her first birthday party.  I believe my big revelation was necessary for me to have what I have today.

She inspires me every day to be a better woman.  That rescue pup who first changed my life is well on his way to turning 6.  On both sides of the house, we have the most incredible families.  I was born into the best, and then I somehow ALSO managed to inherit the best by marriage.  I don’t want to miss anything.  I want to nurture, cherish and dedicate myself to what and who matters most.  

And now, I see even more just how much Grandma had it right:  It’s not about the quantity of people in our lives:  It’s about the quality.  It’s not about the possessions in our lives:  It’s about what we have in our hearts.  I remain thankful for my great “Aha Moment.”

No matter where you live, you have experienced the craziness of 2020.  For those of us in Nashville, we experienced tornadoes/storm damage, which was quickly followed by COVID-19 chaos.  Would you know that some of the PERSONAL challenges in my life during this first half of this year have been so overpowering at times, that I almost forgot about how crazy the world has become?  (My challenges have absolutely nothing to do with my marriage or family, so no need to speculate there).  

It’s certainly been a year that’s stretched me to say the least…..but it’s stretched me in the right way:  It’s sent me running straight into the arms of Jesus.  My only hope.  Your only hope.  Our only hope.  I believe EVERYONE’s time is short, but I also believe we do not have to fear.

With that said, I would encourage you to put all of the the things of this world on the back burner.  Is it okay to have goals?  ABSOLUTELY!  But if Jesus were to come back today, what do you want him to see you doing, and how do you think he wants to see you living?  

This is a question I cannot answer for you.  I can only answer for me.

Are we doing things that will matter for eternity, or are we consumed with the fleeting?  Have we over-complicated the Christian journey?

Faith isn’t complicated.  Jesus isn’t complicated.  Heaven isn’t complicated.  Conviction isn’t complicated.  His word isn’t complicated. We may never understand ALL of it, but the message of Jesus is simple.

Love isn’t complicated.  Compassion isn’t complicated.  Prayer isn’t complicated.  Helping your neighbor isn’t complicated. 

Avoiding unnecessary arguments isn’t complicated.  Thinking before you act, speak and post, isn’t complicated. 

With that said, sometimes I worry that I’m not bold enough.  I do know we are to share the truth.  I have been doing that, but I’m wondering if I do enough.  Still, I think about how my Pastor talks about waiting and praying.  Our wiser self often reveals itself later.  Perhaps this is why I’m sharing this blog a year after it’s creation, and why so many other drafts sit in my inbox for months on end.  I never want to post just to post.

I want to lead people TO the truth…never away from it.  I believe He created me to be an encourager, but I don’t believe He created me to be apologetic about His word either. 

Yes. There is a time to speak, a time to stay silent, a way to share and a way not to share.  

I’m still trying to find that delicate balance, but I do know one thing:  Everything I have just mentioned is a “basic.”  I hesitated to use the word “basic,” because the gospel is so far too amazing to be cheapened with a basic word like “basic,” so please understand, I’m only meaning to use it in the right context.  Sometimes we think of the word “basic” to mean “boring” or “uneventful,” but I use basic to say…..His way is necessary, essential and simple.  You don’t have to have a PhD or a VIP pass to be “in” with Jesus.  John 3:16 laid it out for all of us.  We can ALL have a PhD and a VIP pass into his kingdom by simply asking him into our hearts, asking for forgiveness of sins….and truly meaning it.

Do I see everything going on in the world right now?  YES!

However, as my Pastor said a couple months ago, “I am concerned, but not worried.”  I think that’s the place I find myself today.  I am certainly concerned about all that is going on, but I am not worried.  I’ve seen the end of the book of Revelation.  I know who wins.  His name is Jesus.  If you get to know Him, you too will win.

All you have to do is get back to the basics or allow yourself to accept the basics…..the beautiful, peaceful, life-changing, basics.

If you’ve never asked Jesus into your heart, you can now do so, by saying this simple, but meaningful prayer:  Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior. In Your Name. Amen.

If you have any questions beyond this, feel free to reach out.  I am here for you:  holly.cokkinias@gmail.com

When God Says “No”

hollymarietong dating, Encouragement, Personal Growth, single life , , , , 0 Comment
When God Says “No”

“Just because he doesn’t answer…..doesn’t mean he don’t care.  Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

Yes, I  just quoted some lyrics to a Garth Brooks hit.  To start, Garth is one of my favorite singers of all time.  I also love the idea behind the “Unanswered Prayers” song and always have.  In fact, for many years, it was like an anthem in my life.  I think it is a very well-intended song, and I get what the message is at the core. (The man in the song winds up thankful that he didn’t end up with his high school flame).  When he runs into her later in life, he’s so glad he ended up with his wife instead.  He thanks the good Lord for not giving him what he wanted all those years ago).  I do relate.

In my own world, I’m very thankful God didn’t say “yes” to any of the men I met prior to Kyle.  Some of them were great guys with incredible families, but we just weren’t right for each other in the long run.  Therefore, I’m thankful that they also found the one who was better suited for them.

Others…..well, I’ll just be nice and say, I was spared of a lot of heartache.  Disaster would have been certain.  However, I root for ALL of them. With all of that said, I’m glad that I ended up with Kyle instead of someone else, and that God knew what was better for me far better than I knew what was better for me.

Now, hear me out for a bit.  After many years of investing in my relationship with the Lord and trying to get to know him on a deeper level, I don’t believe “unanswered prayers” is the correct term here.   I believe God answers ALL of our prayers – just not always in the way we expect, or think we want at the time.

I believe a “no” is still an answer to prayer, because when he gives us a “no,” he’s doing so to protect us in some way.  Always answering “yes” would be him agreeing to “our will” instead of his own.

It’s like I said in my “Chick Flicks Lie” book back in 2014 (to paraphrase), when God doesn’t give us what we want, he is either “saving us from something…..or for something.”

And let me tell you – he has saved me so many times.  So many more times than I could ever deserve.  I can look back and see different times when he both saved me from something…..and for something.

…..Because he always knew when a “yes” would destroy my walk, or his purpose for me.  He always knew when a “yes” would bring me financial ruin.  He always knew when a “yes” would keep from living my best life.  He always knew when a “yes” would keep from meeting the right man for me.  He always knew when a “yes” could wind up bringing me stress and heartbreak.  He always, always knew….and he always, always answered.

Today, I know, a combination of his “yesses” his “nos,” and his “not yets” are what has brought me to this happier, more peaceful time in my life.

I believe we need to make a habit of thanking him for ALL of his answers, whatever they may be, because he is the one who sees the big picture.  We only see one step at a time.  Our heavenly father sees the whole staircase.

This is why Proverbs 3:5-6 remains one of  my favorite verses:

Proverbs 3:5-6 

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

The other day, I had yet another revelation in this area.  Though I won’t get into all of the details, almost 4 years ago, I was determined to make a major change in my life.  In “MY” understanding, this change made perfect sense.  There was a door that appeared to be open, and I was so desperate for change that I tried to walk through that door.  I was relying on my own logic instead of on Him.

It looked like I was going to “get” what I thought I wanted…….but God firmly said, “no.”  

When he said “no,” I was honestly confused.  I must admit that even my ego was a bit bruised, and I try not to have an ego.

I suddenly felt inadequate and like I was no longer “at the top of my game.”  It brought me down a few notches and made me question myself.  It certainly humbled me to say the least.  Looking back though, I clearly remember never actually feeling at “peace” about that transition.  Oddly, a part of me was almost glad the door slammed shut.  It’s very difficult to explain the mix of emotions.

During that frustrating time, I was also seeing someone who was completely wrong for me.  I knew deep down he was wrong for me.  However, he was persistent, and I had developed a “whatever” attitude about that area of my life.  He lived life on the road, and I found myself figuratively going down the same road I had already been on one too many times. I resented the road I was on, yet I was on it all the same.

I was tired….so tired.

I was too tired to notice that God had recently introduced me to my future husband.  He was disguised as a new co-worker.  Someone I just kind of thought would be a new acquaintance who I would see in passing from time to time.

I was too tired to notice that the Lord was busy moving mountains in my life.  It just “appeared” that nothing was happening.

I was too tired to notice that he was saying “no” to that one opportunity, because he was instead bringing me to a much greater “yes.”

I was too tired to notice that if he had agreed to “my will,” NONE of my beautiful future (the now) would have been possible.  Me getting my way would have resulted in ruin on many levels.

Now, fast forward…..here we are in 2019.  I said “yes” to that co-worker, and we have now been married for 2 years.  Our relationship is the polar opposite of any and all past relationships I had.  God knew I needed the opposite.  I would say I now also have the daughter I’ve always dreamed of, but honestly, she’s even greater than I could have imagined.

Jesus Christ remains the foundation of my life – and with him as the foundation, I experience stability and peace each day.  Life isn’t always easy, but I always know he has my back.

Now, here is the kicker:  Just the other day, another huge reason for that “no” he gave me four years ago was revealed.  Again, I won’t get into the specifics and the whys, but let’s just say, hindsight is 20/20.

Sometimes, we don’t necessarily get to see the reason for the “no”…..but sometimes (like in this case), the reason winds up being revealed in big, bold, flashing, neon lights.

If he had said “yes,” instead of “no,” not only would I not have Kyle and Clara today, but I would have had the rug completed yanked out from under me in SO many other areas.  I likely would have been stressed beyond measure and felt my world crumbling in all areas.  Just thinking of all the ways my life almost went in the wrong direction made me anxious.

I pictured myself trying to keep up my home on my own. I pictured foreclosure.  I pictured myself jobless and crying about broken dreams.  I pictured myself in great distress and having no idea where to go from there.  I tried to picture life without Kyle, Clara and the amazing family I married into…..and I just couldn’t.  I didn’t want to.

….Thankfully I was able to shut off that depressing “short film,” and thank the Lord for his “no” four years ago. I was able to smile about where I am now.  Because He is the Lord of my life, “He saved me from something and for something,” just like he has so many times before.

He did answer my prayer.  He always has and always will.

Sometimes we just have to stop and thank Him for his “no’s,”.……because sometimes, his no’s are the greatest answer to prayer of all.

You Are More Than “Just”

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Most days are just ordinary days (or so we think).  I don’t necessarily have grand revelations or significant events to speak of on those days.  Life-defining moments typically only happen here and there…..but today, the Lord keeps laying the simple word of “just” on my heart.  I can think of not just ONE, but three times he has used the word “just” in my life today.

First of all, I was reading a post on Facebook that got me thinking.  A friend was talking about what her aging horse meant to her, and someone replied something along the lines of a horse is so much more than “just a horse.” Her comment is what got the ball rolling for me today.

Though I’ve never owned a horse, I would absolutely agree with that statement.  It drives me CRAZY when someone calls a dog “just a dog.”  To me, there is no such thing as “just a dog.”  Our dog is a family member.  He was here before my husband and daughter joined me.  Now that we have a daughter, I try to ensure him every day that he is still just as loved now as he was then.  Even as our lives have changed, he is always there:  Always there to lay next to me when I’m sick, when I’m sad, when I’m having a bad day…or just because. On the days I feel like a failure, he looks at me like I’m absolutely everything. His heart and intelligence is like that of a toddler.  He taught (and still teaches me so much about life), but that is another blog in itself.  With that said:  When referring to a person or a furry family member, please never say the word “just” to me.

Then, my mom and I had a conversation about life and goals today.  We got to talking about the housewife life and how she stayed home with us when we were growing up.  I told her she was so many things to us and that the term “just a housewife” drives me crazy, because there really is no such thing as “just” a housewife.  She was and is a mom.  A cook.  A counselor.  A mentor.  A teacher.  A leader.  A seamstress.  A housekeeper.  A repair lady.  A bookkeeper.  A hairstylist.  A tutor. A nurse.  A chauffeur.  A cheerleader. A 24/7 friend…….to 4 children at one time.

Lastly, I was watching a sitcom that likely isn’t new to many of you, but is new to me.  (I tend to discover all the cool shows on netflix way after their prime).  “The Middle” is a good show to demonstrate my point even further.  Today, I was watching an episode where a hardcore motivational consultant tries to whip Middle America mom/failing car saleswoman Frankie into shape.  Frankie doesn’t value herself and sees herself as “just a mom.”  The consultant challenges and inspires her to realize she isn’t “just”…..she is everything and can do anything.

At this point, I’m thinking, “Okay.  I get it.  Time for a blog.”

So here we are, friends.

It’s time to eliminate “just” when speaking about ourselves and other people…

You aren’t “just a mom.”

“Just a housewife.”

“Just a customer service representative.”

“Just a laborer.”

You are MORE.

It’s time to eliminate “just” when talking about our jobs, goals and career ambitions.  Your dream doesn’t have to be “just a dream.”

“Just” limits us, undermines and disappoints.  “Just” holds us hostage and keeps us from setting goals.

“Just” is a defeating and discouraging word in far too many cases.

God didn’t create you to be “just this” or “just that.”

We are eternal beings with individual purposes.  While your current job or season may feel boring, mundane, and limiting, it still doesn’t change the fact that you were created for a purpose that ONLY YOU can do.

The thing about life is we never get to see the big picture and the start to finish all at once.  We only get to see it one step at a time.  We see where we are and where we’ve been.  We have hopes and plans of where we want to go, but our hopes and plans remain hopes and plans, until the future becomes the present.

But maybe….just maybe….we need to start viewing “just” a little differently.

What looks like a “just”….just may be what is leading you to your big break.

What looks like a “just”…just may be exactly what you are looking for.

What looks like a “just”….just may be the way that you meet your future spouse.

What looks like a “just”….just may be a beautiful forever friendship.

What looks like a “just”….just may make someone’s day.

What looks like a “just”…just may change someone’s life.

What looks like “just an ending”…..just may be a beginning.

Lose the “just” when it contains a negative connotation.  

See the beauty and the value in what appears to be “just a normal day.”

Recognize the potential and the growth in what appears to be “just a job.”

Remember the goals you set and the desires God has placed in your heart whenever you think you are “just a housewife,” “just a mom,” or “just a laborer.”

“Just” is what happens when we limit ourselves, other people and opportunities.

“More” is what happens when we continue to dream, work hard and believe that we serve a limitless God.

Lose the “just.”  Look for the “more.”

Jamie Burke: Turning Setbacks Into Comebacks

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Jamie Burke: Turning Setbacks Into Comebacks

When Jamie Burke made the move to Nashville, she had big plans and big dreams in the entertainment industry. In fact, her latest song and video, “Drive” describes her journey quite well.  Today, she still plans, but she hands God the eraser.  She still dreams, but her greatest dream is fulfilling God’s purpose for her life.

Though Jamie has undoubtedly enjoyed success and celebrated accomplishments, she has also experienced a great deal of curveballs, detours and adversity along the way.  She was first known for her high energy performances and breakup songs.  Then, she thought she finally found her Prince Charming….but then, it came to a screeching halt.

To top it all off, it happened very publicly.  Friends starting choosing sides, but Jamie chose the high road.

When 2018 brought her some of the most difficult challenges of her life, she knew she ultimately had two choices:  1.  Give up. OR 2.  Give it all to God.

……….She chose and continues to choose #2.

“God has truly manifested Himself into my life and my heart this year. I have had to rely on Him more than ever before. I whole-heartedly believe this was the year that God humbled me and made me realize not only am I not in control of the world around me, but that it’s ok, because He IS! As a definitive type A woman, this took me a while to be okay with,” reflects Burke.

As part of the “let go and let God” process, she found herself having to set free more than she ever envisioned.  Doors were closing and pages were turning, and in all of that uncertainty, she was reminded of her greatest certainty:  Jesus Christ.

“I have also lost a lot of relationships I was holding on to – some of these for too long.  I got to a place of wondering why I was alone.  Then, I found myself relying on Him for strength and direction, then realizing I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies when it came to relationships and friendships,” says Burke.

As she grows closer to the Lord and continues to remind herself of his promises, she feels the strong pull to purposely use the gifts he’s given her for His glory.  She knows he’s given her the gift of music to connect and to encourage.  She isn’t going to allow her adversities to happen to her in vain – she is going to allow Him to use the bad for the good.  She plans to be a light and to allow even her art and songwriting to go through the transformation process with her.

“2018 has been a year of growth, opportunity, and change. I have had some very high highs and some not so fun lows. I feel like I have grown a lot this year as not just a songwriter and artist, but as a woman.  I have learned to really respect myself, to be more empathetic and perceptive towards others, to appreciate little moments and to be more in the moment. As a writer I have learned to be okay with not sticking to one genre as well being more vulnerable and experimental with my lyrics and story telling,”  shares Burke.

Like most singers and songwriters in Music City, Jamie once felt the pressure to reach a certain level to consider herself “successful.”  Today though?  She is also free from that pressure.

“I believe God has spoken to me and worked in my heart in a very clear and obvious way that FAME is not something any of us should be seeking, which I think is something that is easy to do in the music/entertainment industry. He has really made me realize that while He has given me gifts and talents that should be used, it should never be about the fame that could and can come with it,” says Burke.

“I’ve had my eyes opened to really understand the impact of my music/art, and to really appreciate those moments where a stranger reaches out and says I inspire them or that they really love one of my songs.  Making a difference has become what matters to me,” she continues.

Speaking of encouraging strangers, Jamie has a lot to add.  She wants her fellow women to know that not only does fame not bring validation, but neither does our beloved social media world.

“I’d really like other women to know that social media really doesn’t validate you. Just because your photo didn’t get X amount of likes or you don’t have as many followers as this girl or that person, does not mean you are less beautiful, less valuable, less talented, or less interesting,” she encourages.

With her new chapter, has come new confidence…….but not the kind of confidence that happens from social media compliments or human approval.  In fact, she’s taken notice to not just how pressure-filled, but also how shallow, social media can really be.

“I see so many women my age who are just flat out trying so hard to look important, rich, skinny, fabulous, pretty or sexy.  They’re not even promoting a product or anything – just women trying to validate themselves.  I imagine a world where POOF….instagram is gone, BOOM….Facebook is gone.  Are you suddenly not important?  We allow ourselves to get sucked into that world and frankly, it’s almost like a double-life.  It’s all fake and manipulated,” Jamie says emphatically.

She wants other women to know that their real friends will call them, that their family loves them without or without filters and that check-ins aren’t vital.

“For me, this is another BIG area God has worked in me.  I now feel like social media is just a means of promotion and business marketing, but as far as airing every second of my personal life?  Dunzo.  Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt,” she says with certainty.

There are a few areas of her personal life that she doesn’t mind airing, however:  She has been knocked down, but she got right up.  She has been hurt, but she is allowing herself to heal.  She has been the subject of gossip, but she chooses to press on.  Most importantly, she chooses to love and she chooses to trust her healer and her helper. As a result, she is pressing on, enjoying the simple things and looking forward to the future.

“I feel like I am starting on my comeback! I’ve had a lot of setbacks this year. For example, people can get very brave online and post whatever they want about you, which is really disheartening at times. Most of it is not true…the rest is a misconstrued version of the truth. That has been hard for me. I wanted to fight back against allegations and gossip, but I decided to stay quiet, let things pass over, and just talk to you about it after the dust settles. Have I made mistakes? Yep. I’m human. We all have. I just got lucky and had things broadcast under a microscope. Have I learned from those mistakes? Yep…and I didn’t need any outside opinions or influence,”  shares Burke.

Though she had reason to become angry, she instead chose to build a strong foundation with the bricks thrown at her.  She also didn’t accept the invite to get bitter – she instead chose to get better.

“Those who know me know all the things I’ve struggled with – serious and heavy setbacks, but I’ve tried to maintain a positive attitude.  Most importantly, I’ve tried to be QUIET and LISTEN to God. What is He wanting me to do? Where does He want me to go? When I started listening is when big things began to happen. God picked up all the broken pieces of my heart and my life and said ‘these pieces are a great foundation to build something awesome on’. In doing this, I started to feel JOY and feel like I gained a lot of perspective on life, relationships, and the world around me,” says Burke.

As she began to experience a peace and joy unlike ever before, God began to talk to her about some of the other dreams he’s given her.

“I started my fashion line called 40 East. This is something I’ve always wanted to do,” reveals Burke.

Since she sincerely wants to design for the right reasons, she also donates a portion of each sale to St. Jude.

“I make custom tees, tanks, accessories and more and design everything, solely by myself,” says Burke.

In addition to to pouring herself into design, her passion for music is as strong as ever.

“I’ve also written more songs in the last 6 months or so than ever before and am halfway done with my upcoming 3rd EP/CD,” announces the Nashville entertainer.

“As I keep writing, the ‘problem’ has become ‘ok, what do I want to put on this record, what stories do I want to share, and production wise, where do I want this all to go?’  I’ve noticed that I am not just writing country anymore. I feel like I have grown as a songwriter and artist and used to put myself in a box of ‘I’m going to write this kind of music, I’m going to sound like this artist or that artist.’  Now, I’m just like, ‘I really like the way this sounds’ or ‘ya know what, I’m in a rock mood today’ or ‘I’m feeling this EDM track a lot.’  Collaborations and getting out of my comfort zone are more fun and more appealing,” she explains.

Alongside her love for the arts, she remains active in other various adventures.

“I’ve also been really fortunate to be modeling and doing all kinds of other projects now which I believe has come with the confidence and place I’m at right now,” says Burke.

“As this year or so has come to fruition, I feel like people have noticed a change in me…the way I carry myself has just become a more confident and self-aware person. I don’t believe this has anything to with my appearance! I believe this is 100% confidence in knowing God’s got this, confidence in who I am and what I can not only just offer in relationships and business opportunities, and an overall new approach to my health and fitness,” she continues.

Though her year was full of challenge, Jamie ultimately has come out victorious.  She’s turned her trials into triumphs and her fears into faith.  Rather than looking in her review mirror, she remains focused on the road ahead.

“When you are a genuinely happy person who is ok with who she is, I think the world can see from the inside out. I am staying busy on music and other projects, focusing on healing and health, listening to God and being open to whatever life is going to offer me. I am excited to see what the rest of this year and next year have in store for me…because while I’ve had some mountains to climb and major setbacks…I’ve learned…A setback is just a set up for your comeback!”

To learn more about Jamie and to listen to her music, visit her website.

To keep up with Jamie, follow  her Facebook pages for both her music and latest fashions.

You Were Made For More: The Unpopular Truth (Part 1)

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You Were Made For More: The Unpopular Truth (Part 1)

As we draw closer and closer to Christmas, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.  Among the topics I’ve been thinking about, God keeps reminding me, “You Were Made For More.”  Over and over again….those words have been on my heart.

As we look at this day, this hour, and the spiritual condition of the world we’re living in, there isn’t any doubt in my mind that God wants to be heard.  I believe, “you were made for more” is something he wants all of us to hear right now.  “You were made for more” comes packed full of meaning for me.  To me, he’s partially reminding us that there is so much ahead that we cannot see.  We were made for so much more than our short, temporary lives here on earth.  We are eternal beings, and as the Bible clearly shows, our real lives begin after this one is through.  I also believe we were made for so much more than just the mundane and just for mere existence.  God is too big and too good to simply create anyone for mere existence, or to just simply hang out and “suffer.” It’s easy to get caught up in a routine, but God is way too powerful and loving to simply just be a “routine God.”  We aren’t here to just simply pay bills, push paperwork, mop the floors and to go through the motions.  While how we handle those responsibilities matters greatly to the Lord, he didn’t put us here just for that.  Our lives have purpose….a purpose far greater than any of us can fathom.

We were made to learn his word, to live it out and to teach it.  We were made to be lights and beacons of hope.  We were made to help rescue others from their oppression, to bring smiles to the hurting and to be the friend someone is praying for right now.  We were made to deliver the good news….the news of the deliverer. We were made to lead others to Christ, and to lovingly warn others of oncoming danger.  We were made to encourage, to love, to give, to advise and to shine for Him.  We were made to utilize our gifts, and to solve problems that only we can solve.  We are unique….we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  (Psalm 139:14)

God only made ONE of YOU for a reason.  Though we may not ever fully understand all of the reasons for our personal existence, it’s up to us to live like we were made for more anyway.  As we rest on that fact, trust him, and go where he sends us, he will beautifully reveal purpose, reason and plans along the way. (Look up Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 3:5-6, Proverbs 19:21, 1 Peter 2:21, 1 Thessalonians 4:7).

Sooooooo…..

Today….whether you were feel like you’re in a valley or on a mountaintop…..you were made for more.

Whether you feel like a hero or a zero…..you were made for more.

Whether you’ve said the right things or the wrong things this week……you were made for more.

Whether you feel completely healthy or completely ill today….you were made for more.

Whether you know where life is heading or you haven’t a clue…..you were made for more.

Whether you’re wealthy or whether you’re poor…..you were made for more.

Whether you’re a top of the totem pole CEO or a stay-at-home mom…..you were made for more.

Whether you have the best relationships or whether you’re doubting some of them….you were made for more.

Whether you live in a shack or the mansion on the hill…..you were made for more.

What got me here today?  I’ve been thinking about how often we sell ourselves short, all while being the children of a limitless God.

I’ve been thinking about something even worse than that though:  How often we sell God short.  How we underestimate our Lord and what he can do.

Then, I’ve been thinking about how we settle for less in life.  How we give up too easily.  How we fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  How we sometimes wrongly believe he’s the source of our pain, when in actuality, he’s the SOLUTION.  How we refuse to see the truths that are so boldly in front of us.

………And still, WE WERE MADE FOR MORE.

There’s life beyond our struggles.  There’s hope beyond our doubts.  There’s a strength beyond our own.  There’s purpose beyond our comprehension.

You’re not here to simply just exist.  You’re not here to be just a number or statistic.  You’re not here to be just another story.

You were made to serve the most high.  You were made to live, love, think and to be more like Jesus. You were made to make a significant difference in this hurting world.  You were made for a Christ-centered purpose…made for a mission….and made to have vision.

Stay tuned for more of my blog series:  “You Were Made For More.”  Until then….I hope you’ll choose to walk in that truth today and in the days ahead.

 

10 Types of People You Should Love From Afar

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My ultimate goal as a blogger is to build up, to empower, to encourage and to share the love of Christ.  On this Christian lifestyle blog, I promote the importance of remaining “strong” in our faith, our convictions, our lifestyles and our goals no matter what life throws our way.  Remaining strong as a Christ follower means allowing him to be your strength in all areas, while depending on him for peace, wisdom and discernment. When we look to God for these things, we can rest assured, that at times, he will open doors, close doors and redirect us.  He helps us to see “calling conflicts,” and “devious distractions,” which aren’t good for our walk with him. He will help us to see what is healthy for our lives vs. what isn’t.  He knows what is good for the soul, and what is in contrast, damaging for the soul.  If you have read any of my posts, you know I love people….a lot.  My love of people is what led me to create, “Strong With Holly Marie Tong.”  “Compassionate” and “encouraging” are two words my closest friends would regularly associate with me.  I have to be real honest though:  I’m still human, and as part of being human, there are some people in this world, I’d rather not spend a lot of time with.  There are some people out there who I just cannot allow a spot in my little personal boat…..and I know God isn’t asking me to.  Do I love them?  YES!  I have countless acquaintances who know I love them and would do just about anything for them. While they may not be an “up close friend,” I’m glad to love and be helpful to them from afar.  Some of them are probably very “boat-worthy”….we just haven’t had a chance to get to know each other on a deeper level.  That’s how life goes sometimes, I guess.  With that said, I have a small metaphorical boat to keep afloat in this life.  As a result, I decided a long time ago, I need a small group of trustworthy folks paddling along with me.  What I do not need in my boat are folks secretly sawing holes into the side while I paddle with all my might.  I will always wave and be kind to those kinds of people as they paddle along in their own personal boat, however. I’ll probably even toss them a water or a life jacket while I’m at it too.  If they’re mentally drowning, rest assured, I care, and I will do all I can to save them.  However, I’m probably never going to consider them a “friend”……at least not a close one.

With that said, we should continue to love ALL people no matter what they’ve done to us and no matter what our differences may be……..BUT do not be afraid to love some of them from afar.  Our future successes and God-given callings depend on us being careful about who we let into our boats. God does not ask us to open our lives to drama, or to share our fears and struggles with everyone.  He does teach us to be wise and discerning.  (Proverbs 15:21).  In my personal experience, here are 10 types of people you should by all means “love from afar”…..but never actually allow into your personal boat.  If you want to stay focused, joyful, peaceful, strong and free of drama, strife and anger, here are 10 types of people you should love from afar:

  1.  The Gossiper.  Few people will bring you more pain, drama and problems than the gossiper.  They thrive off of broadcasting the lives of others.  Remember, if someone is comfortable enough to regularly gossip to you….they are probably comfortable with gossiping about you.  If you think you’re their exception, chances are, you’re lying to yourself. Also, if you’re comfortable with hanging out with a gossiper, you will likely soon become comfortable with gossip….if you haven’t already. Gossip is not approved of by God, whether or not we want it to be.  Sometimes it can be tough to keep our mouths closed, but…….Ephesians 4:29 says, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  If some form of juicy information you just scored isn’t going to “help” someone, or if it doesn’t affect them directly, why repeat it to them?  If your BEST FRIEND is the president of the town “Gossip Club,” it may be time to reexamine on several levels.
  2. The Opportunist Friend.  The opportunist friend is THRILLED to take the limo with you.  However, when the limo breaks down, this person is no where to be found.  Your true friend though?  They will be sitting beside you on that dirty bus when you’re down on your luck.  Opportunist friends are plentiful during your successful and “rolling in the dough,” times.  They’re glad to use your extra tickets and backstage passes, but when those things run out, they run towards the hills.  Your true friend?  They come over with ice cream, and they dry your tears, as the two of you sit on your old faded couch. She tells you you’re beautiful and that she’s blessed to have you in her life.  She does all of this KNOWING you have nothing to give to her, except your reciprocated love and friendship. The opportunist doesn’t see you….they see opportunities, advancements, promotion, materials, and maybe even fame, depending on the case.  It’s ALL about what YOU can do for THEM.  Sometimes being at the bottom is a beautiful thing.  It helps you identify who is who.  I’ve been in both places in my life more than once.  It’s interesting to see who is there, and who isn’t there, in both places.  True friendship is about going through ups and downs together…..not only being there during the ups.  The ups are the easy part. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”  I’ve never known an opportunist friend who truly cares about the other person’s soul, health, well-being or relationship with God.  Choose wisely.  Philippians 2 talks about not doing anything out of vain conceit or selfish ambition.  While we are definitely called to place others above ourselves, God never asks us to be advantage of either.
  3. The Narcissist. The narcissist is typically also an opportunist friend, but some people don’t even realize they’re a narcissist.  The narcissist may not be in it for material perks or cash, but they’re ALL about THEM.  A “friendship” with a narcissist is always a one-way friendship.  They typically only come to you when they need something or need to vent.  They’re probably not too worried about the fact that life is crashing down around you as well.  They cannot WAIT for you to be done talking, so that they can talk about them.  In fact, their eyes glaze over when you talk about you, for even just thirty seconds.  I’m not going to sugar-coat this:  After almost 13 years of being around the entertainment industry, I have a master’s degree, (possibly a doctorate degree), in this area.  Narcissists LOVE journalists and publicists…..when they’re writing about them, and their flawless image, of course. A narcissist will always, always forget about the journalist or the publicist once they get what they want….or better yet, when their job description changes entirely.  The non-narcissist humbly remembers acts of kindness and forever considers even “the little person” a forever friend from then on out.  Philippians 2 is a great place to look for the kind of humility that God calls us to have.  He tells us to look to the interest of others. If a person cannot EVER look to your interests, it isn’t God’s best friendship for you.
  4. The Digger.  This person lives life as if making “digs” at you is their job.  They’re typically also a very passive aggressive person.  The two characteristics go hand-in-hand I’ve found.  The digger never really has anything nice to say, but they LOVE pointing out your wrinkles and the five pounds you’ve gained.  They also particularly enjoy telling you how tired you look…..even if you’re not tired. They probably also let you know that your new vehicle isn’t their cup of tea, that they don’t like the color you’re wearing and that their house is bigger than yours.  They blow things out of proportion and make mountains out of molehills. They also love giving you an anonymous one star review on your book or song, as well as giving you a thumbs down on your You Tube channel.  The digger finds all your faults, but never considers complimenting you.  They typically pop up on your Facebook, Instagram or Twitter ONLY to make a dig.  You may not hear from the person ALL year, but they pop up solely to make a snide comment on your photo.  You may not have talked to them since high school, but they pop up only to argue on the first controversial post you’ve made in a long time.  They’re also infamous for only liking another person’s argumentative comment back to you on YOUR page, but they’d never consider actually liking YOUR post on YOUR page.  Funny enough, you forgot you were even friends with that person.  Man, not only are they a digger….they’re also a lurker. Though you’ve had more of a writing career than they ever have, they’re the type to happily find your one error on your blog post.  Not only will they find it….they will be sure to publicly alert you about it, in hopes of embarrassing you.  What’s more?  They’ve NEVER once shown any appreciation for your blog, yet they care SO much about your one error.  Now, a true friend probably is also going to let you know about the error.  However, they are going to privately alert you of it, because they care about you, and they want your blog to be at its best at all times.  They also want to save you from “the digger” pointing it out instead.  The digger never notices the 99 things you just mastered…..but they will always faithfully point out your 1 oversight. They are perhaps one of the most irritating people out there.  Yes, you still need to love them, but the Lord doesn’t ask us to bring these people into our boat.  EVERYONE has experience with a digger….especially if they’ve ever worked outside the home.  They think they’re smooth and sneaky, but what they don’t realize is how very obvious they are. It’s usually best to not acknowledge or engage them.  They’re just showing you how much of a frenemy they really are.  They want a reaction out of you, and they’re hoping that reaction is “anger.”  When they’ve clearly shown you that they’re rude and enjoy putting you down…..believe them, pray for them and love them from afar.  Do NOT let them in your boat, unless you want to sink.  The digger can also typically be classified as an “arguer.”  Can you tell I’ve met a few diggers in my lifetime?  Timothy 2:23-25 reminds us to have nothing to do with foolish arguments because they just produce quarrels.  If you hang out with the digger…..just realize that quarrels, anger, irritation and inferiority will become a normalcy in your life.
  5. The Constant Comparer.  This person is always better, faster, smarter, richer, skinnier and prettier than you…..in their mind at least.  It doesn’t matter what you do, what you buy or what you achieve….they can “one up” you.  At church, we’ve been on a series about being a “Great You” instead of a “Poor Me.”  Our Pastor pointed out a pattern with this way of thing:  There’s always an “ER” at the end of all of these words, and in turn, it sends Christians to a spiritual ER.  The comparer is obsessed with outdoing and outperforming, whether if it’s for the bad or for the good.  They care far too much about what others are doing.  Let me expand on the comparer even more:  The story they have to tell is always “more interesting” than yours.  Their past breakup was worse than yours.  They’ve struggled more than you.  They’ve survived more than you.  They’re stronger than you.  They’re more seasoned and experienced than you.  The comparer can never let a story be “your story” and let you get in a word edgewise….they always have to compare. James 3:16 reminds us, For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist,there will be disorder and every vile practice.
  6. The Copier.  The copier is similar to the comparer, but different.  The copier flat out tries to be you.  Rather than seek God to figure out their own individual purpose, gifts and talents, they decide to mimic you instead.  This is another concept we’ve been talking about at church that goes along with the comparer.  As our Pastor says, it’s okay to admire another’s talent, but when you desire another’s gift rather than hone your own, then it becomes a problem.  This is precisely how we end up pursuing paths that God never called us to. Desiring another’s life brings about jealousy and envy, which opens the floodgates to an unhealthy lifestyle. If you cannot say anything in front of the copier without them flat out trying to steal your idea….then it’s  a problem.  If you start making scarves….and they start making scarves 5 minutes later, something might be up.  If you start a personal training business…and they randomly start a personal training business one day later, then something likely IS up.  They may copy your individualistic wardrobe piece by piece….then act like it was their style all along.  They may even go as far as to try to make it seem like you want to be them, which is of course only going to bring more aggravation to the situation. The copier may seem cute and harmless at first, but when they start bringing drama, stealing your contacts, your business ideas and trying to steal your friends (real friends can’t be stolen), just like its elementary school….then you know this is a toxic situation to steer clear of.  Matthew 15:30 says, But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.  With even our hairs on our head being numbered it is certain that God has a special plan and purpose for each of us.  A person can only discover their true purpose through God, not through copying another.
  7. The Entitlist.  Is that even a word?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m making up words here?  Maybe someone who has never once said a kind word to me, should pop up to play Grammar Police if it isn’t a word?  😉  Okay, okay….staying on track.  The entitlist is similar to the opportunist, but they are not exactly two in the same.  The entitlist pops up ONLY if they cannot pay a bill or need a favor.  They may not necessarily ask for a backstage pass or free publicity, BUT they need $500.00 by Friday……..AND it’s up to YOU to give it them.  But WAIT?  We haven’t talked in 15 years….how is that up to me?  It isn’t up to you, sister.  This particular entitlist is healthy and capable of working, but they have chosen to not have a job of any sort for the past five years. They’ve instead decided it’s up to people like you to fund them.  They haven’t simply fallen on hard times or gone through a particularly rough year……this is simply their daily mindset.  Or here’s another one:  They don’t really know you, but they text you to pick them up at the bar at 2 AM on a Wednesday night. The next time you hear from them?  The same exact scenario, but it’s Thursday instead.  You get up for work at 5 AM…..they live on their own schedule and wake up at approximately 5 PM every day.  Let’s just say, you do help the begging entitlist once or twice.  Maybe not in ALL cases, but in MOST, they will continue to only pop up when they need something.  Your job is to give, give, give….and their job is to take, take, take.  While I’m ALL about helping and always will be (the bible most definitely encourages us to give to the needy), it is completely okay to pray, discern and decide these things on a case by case basis.  In fact, that’s the wise way to go about it.  We are to be helpful and giving, but we are not to enable sin or laziness in the process.  We should genuinely pay attention to people’s hurts, needs and struggles.  However, it isn’t up to us to foolishly drain our accounts and energy for the unappreciative, and for those who refuse to help themselves.  End of story. If you are unsure about what you should do about any given situation placed in your court, remember, James 1:5 –  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
  8. The Crowd Follower.  Have you ever heard of “birds of a feather will flock together?” Again, love EVERYONE.  Be there for people whenever you can….whether or not they’re in your main circle.  Be an outreacher and a giver.  However, remember those who simply follow the crowd never go much farther than the crowd.  Your calling and purpose is far too important to God to simply follow with the tide of the world.  Ask him who he wants you to be and where he wants you to go….and be willing to do whatever he tells you to do.  If your boat is full of crowd followers, you are probably going to remain in a crowded ocean full of other boats doing the same exact things.   You’re also probably not going to be doing what he specifically called you to do. Here’s a thought:  If you see a crowd….consider why you see a crowd?  Are they following pop culture or Jesus? It’s okay to be “friends” with a crowd follower of course…….but you probably shouldn’t be going to them as your main source of advice and support either.  Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.  Romans 12:22 spells it out as well:  “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
  9. The Liar.  This one is pretty obvious for obvious reasons, but sometimes in our quest to see the best in people, we refuse to see the truth that is right in front of us:  The fact that said person lies about every little thing…..all.the.time.  It doesn’t even always have to be a big lie. Some people are simply addicted to lying.  Sometimes they barely even know that they’re doing it or why they’re doing it. It could simply be telling you that they went skydiving back in 2008, when in fact they never did, or that they returned the Redbox movie you watched the night before, while it’s still sitting on their dresser. However, if they’re comfortable with lying about little things, they’re probably also comfortable with lying about big things.  An “inner circle” friend that isn’t honest is going to bring you all kinds of unnecessary hurt and drama in the long run.  If they’re not afraid to lie, they may not be afraid to steal either.  In fact, a pathological liar may not be afraid to do a lot of things.  A friend you can’t trust isn’t really much of a friend, are they?  Plain and simple.  Proverbs 16:28 says, A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.
  10. The High Maintenance/Easily Angered/Easily Offended.  These people all fall into the same category in my experience.  There is zero grace and zero understanding from this person when “life happens.”  One tiny “mistake” and their “non-measuring up” friend is gone, even if said friend has been extremely reliable otherwise. The mistake could be as small as forgetting to text back within the hour.  It could even be that you gave them advice they didn’t like….though they asked for your advice. This high maintenance person is probably also gossiping about you to another so-called friend about your “mistake.”  Interestingly, the friend they’re gossiping to is one you’ve heard them gossip about before……for their tiny “mistake.”  Allowing a high maintenance person into your boat is sure to replace peace with anxiety.  The high maintenance person is usually also a narcissist.  If you have to get off the phone five minutes after they call due to your kid waking up crying, and you KNOW they’re going to be offended by that, there is a problem.  They clearly have zero understanding of your family life and other obligations.  In general, this type of person is easily offended by just about anything and everything.  They’re offended that you didn’t call them yesterday, though you didn’t know you needed to.  They’re furious that you couldn’t attend their “makeup party” due to you already having a “date night” scheduled with your husband.  They’re angry that you didn’t like their Instagram photo, because well, you’re never on Instagram.  They’re offended that you believe differently than they do.  They’re annoyed that you didn’t ask them what radio station they wanted to listen to….in YOUR car.  They demand to see the restaurant manager, because the otherwise great server forgot to put their dressing on the side.  Heck, this kind of person may even tell the restaurant to change their thermostat, or to shut up the toddler ten tables away (who you and others are tolerating just fine). If you’re determined to maintain a friendship with a high maintenance person, you better also be determined to spend your life walking on eggshells. Likely though, you’ll end up anxious and insecure and in a quiet shell where you aren’t yourself at all.  This isn’t how a healthy friendship is supposed to look…. Proverbs 22:24-25 says, Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with the easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.

The truth is, most of us have been one or two (maybe more) of the types of people I mentioned above, at some point in our lives.  No one is perfect, and that is why Jesus died on the cross. The Bible says all have sinned and fall short of his glory. (Romans 3:23).  Thank the Lord for his grace!

The bible has a whole lot to say about our friendships and our associations as stated above though.  In 1 Corinthians 15:33, we also see, “Do not be misled.  Bad company corrupts good character.”  Isn’t is probable that bad company in our boat will eventually corrupt us?

Here is the thing though: If we want good friends, we should first learn how to be a good friend.  We shouldn’t expect to have loyal trustworthy friends, if we ourselves are not willing to be a loyal trustworthy friend. When we learn to be a good friend we will attract the right kind of friends.  If you keep attracting drama only, it may be time to examine why that is.  The examples above are examples of what not to be.  Thankfully, the Bible doesn’t stop at simply telling us who not to be….it also faithfully guides us towards who to be.  The books of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, along with the rest of the Bible (of course) is a great place to read about the kind of friend God wants us to be.

Here are of my favorite verses about the definition of a good friend and how to be a good friend:

Luke 6:31 – Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Colossians 3:12-14 –Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Proverbs 12:26 – The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Proverbs 27:17 – As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:5 – Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

John 15:12-15 – My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Proverbs 19:20 – Listen to advice and accept disciple, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.

It is crystal clear that our friendships and associations matter to the Lord.  If they matter to God….shouldn’t they matter to us?