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15 things to never say to a “single” person

hollymarietong dating, Encouragement, Personal Growth, single life , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

 

Remember how I said I’ll forever relate to singles and forever understand them?  I meant it.  While I’m thrilled to be walking down the aisle soon, it doesn’t mean:   A).  That I’ve forgotten the struggle I once had, and the struggle so many people I love are still going through and B).  That I’m only going to talk to the engaged and married folks now.  God reminds me often (though I fail to blog as often as I should) that I’m not to forget the road I walked before Kyle.  He also reminds me I can be a fairly unique voice in this area (as can many of my gal pals).

“Meant to be at 33” is what I like to call this time in my life.  I’m not shy about admitting that I’m getting married for the first (and only time) a few weeks after my 33rd birthday.

I can hear some of you saying, “Oh, but you’re still so young!”

I say to you…well, unless you got married at this same age or older, and/or are still single yourself, say no more about my youngness, k?

I’m getting married later than average no matter what you may feel like telling me.  I wouldn’t have it any other way though.  In hindsight, I completely see why God had me wait longer.  I didn’t see it then, but I see it now.

I know I was not and still am not “entitled” to having a forever man….not at 23, 33, 43, or ever for that matter.  I know my fiance is a blessing.  I know many who are still waiting for that blessing in their own life.

I know I could very well still be in the position I was in just a year ago.  While I believe my single friends will ultimately one day find the person of their dreams, I remind myself to be very careful with what I say to them. I admitted in a previous blog that just because a few of the cliches I hated hearing like, “it happens when you’re least expecting it,” and “you’ll find someone one day,” came true for me, doesn’t mean I should make a habit of using those cliches on my friends.  They’re not ready to hear it yet, just like I wasn’t ready to hear it then. It also may not happen for them the same way it did for me, so why act like I know something they don’t?

As I feel blessed to be surrounded by all the love, assistance and well wishes that planning a wedding brings, I can’t help but wish that just a little more love, assistance and well wishes would be given to singles overall.  It’s just not culturally popular…and I wish it were.  While I’m extremely grateful to receive all of this now (and some have always given me it to me even as a single), I can’t help but wish there were more affirmation, positivity and resources surrounding the single life.

I know people often think of helping a young couple or a family, and I’m ALL for that, but I feel like people less often think about helping the single person, or seeing what they may need.  I’m not speaking for myself or for everyone here.

I’m saying, let’s just say you have an extra set of brand new dishes at home that you’d like to bless someone with:  While I’m not AT ALL against you giving them to the young married couple, why not also consider the single girl across the street that you know works super hard?

I can’t speak for all married couples, but I know I’m financially going to be better off as a married person, than I have been as a single person.  I think sometimes society sees “single,” and sees money and no one else to support, except themselves.  The problem is a single person often means paying double the bills, unless of course, said single wants to get a roommate.  The bottom line:  Let’s remember our single friends too!  Also, just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you can only have couples as friends.  No need to be part of a “married only’s clique,” or to get all high and mighty just because your relationship status has changed, right?

Now I’ve lived on both sides of the fence.  I can tell you that while relationships take work, the single life is overall the harder position to be in.  While I felt a great sense of strength and independence in that position, I faced more challenges overall.  Yes, some days I enjoyed the heck out of my single life.  I lived that life to the fullest every day.  However, I would rather have this life, than my former life.  I’m not going to lie about that.  I’m very thankful for my former life and wouldn’t ever take it back, but I’m not going to pretend it was a cake walk.  In fact, I’m going to acknowledge that it wasn’t on many levels.

While I don’t understand 30 years of marriage yet, I do understand what it’s like to be as single as spaghetti without the Ragu.  I also understand what it’s like to have someone wanting to protect me, to provide for me and to commit to me for the rest of our lives.

Now, with all of that said, the first best thing you can do for your single friends is try to avoid saying the wrong things.  Some are truly happy to be single.  Some people love the solitary life.  Some are very go with the flow…whenever it happens…it happens, kind of people.  (I was that way most days, but definitely not all days).  Some hurt every day over past relationships and past injustices.  Some worry about their future, and if they have a future in love at all.  Most though? They have something in common.  They don’t really need your advice and your attempt at consoling them, unless they ask for it, cry on your shoulder or vent to you.  I’m just saying guys.

Here are my top 15 never say to your single friends, statements:

  1.  “Married life is so hard.  My husband can be such a jerk.  Being single is where it’s at.  I’m actually envious of you and all of this freedom you get.”  Really now?  Really?  I don’t know all situations, but if one’s husband seems to be working hard, being an honest upstanding person, providing for them, and isn’t cheating on or abusing them, no one wants to hear it.  At all.  Likely, the person making this statement KNOWS they don’t really want to be back in the dating world, so why pretend they do?  It isn’t fooling anyone, and frankly, it’s really really annoying.
  2. “God needs to see you fully trusting him and being happy with him, and him alone, before he can give you a mate.” – (Says the 22 year old who is indirectly saying that THEY were the perfect Christian when they found their mate).  Umm…you’re not fooling us, sister.  You can’t speak for God here.  Maybe God KNOWS this fine single person is fully trusting him, and happy with him, but maybe he needs them to wait a little longer than you, for other reasons or plans he has for them. Maybe the person you’re saying this to is VERY in tune with God and celebrates the joy of the Lord every day….yet they still struggle with loneliness some days, or just feel ready for that next chapter that doesn’t seem to be happening.  Don’t tell them how to feel, assume their doing it wrong or minimize their faith.  Don’t make them feel not good enough.  Maybe they’re even good at being single….but well, they’re like 35, which is like 10 years older than you when you got married – so maybe you shouldn’t be the person telling them this, eh?  It’s not unreasonable that they feel “ready.”
  3. “When are you going to settle down and get married?  What about having kids?  What are you waiting for?”  This one pretty much speaks for itself.  For one, it’s no one’s business, but their own.  Two, they may struggle with why it isn’t happening for them.  Three, some of my friends, for instance, even already know they can’t conceive children.  It’s understandably a very hurtful subject for them.  These things should just never be asked…..ever.
  4. “You’re just too picky!  I can’t believe you weren’t interested in him!”  There are a lot of things wrong with this statement.  Where shall I begin?  No one should ever be told to lower their standards.  That is how this statement will feel no matter how it is said. Often the very person who says this is the very person who wouldn’t be interested in that failed potential either.  Yes, there are extreme cases…BUT picky is better than settling or taking the plunge before one is ready.  Since marriage is designed to be forever, it’s only smart to be picky.
  5. “You find them when you least expect it!”  I’ve mentioned this one A LOT lately.  Yes, this ended up happening in my life.  Yes, I was kind of annoyed that this was “how” it happened for me since I hated this cliche soooooo much, but the truth is, singles hate these words…and I understand why.  Been there, heard that, got the t-shirt.
  6. “Man…you get to travel and do whatever you want!  I want your life!”  Just don’t.  They’re probably broke and all their potential travel friends are probably also either broke or busy with their family lives.  Just don’t.
  7. “Work on you!”  Yes, some do need time to be single to work on them…but it’s probably best not to put it in those words. Even just “focus on you” sounds better.  Don’t assume they’re a piece of work.  It just beats them down and makes you look high and mighty.
  8. “Join a single’s group, do online dating etc.”  Again, these fine independent strong folk don’t usually need advice unless asked for.  They’re not living under a rock.  They probably know they can join this stuff if they want to.  You’re not teaching them anything new! 🙂
  9. “Man I pity you being in the dating world.  I couldn’t do it!”  How encouraging!
  10. “You don’t need a man!”  You’re right I don’t “need” a man….but apparently you do considering you’ve been married to your high school sweetheart for 30 years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m GLAD your marriage has worked.  That’s God’s will in fact….but singles really don’t need to hear this from you since you well,…..don’t get it?
  11. “You must be doing something wrong.  Let’s talk about what it is.”  No…..just no!
  12. “You’ve got time!”   This is equally just as bad as “time’s a-wasting.”  Someone married with three kids saying this to a single in their 30’s who hasn’t even begun the family journey, just isn’t a smart thing to do on any level.
  13. “Have you ever thought about dating your friend __________?”  Chances are you’ll just make things really really awkward.  They’ve either thought about it, talked about it with their friend, or never ever even entertained the thought ever.  Said friend may very well be like a sibling to them.  You’re not pointing out some new revelation to them, okay?
  14. “You’re too smart, too pretty, or too good.”  Yeah, that’s going to solve things….letting them know that unless they dumb themselves down, stop taking care of their physical appearance, or stop being so morally good, that they’ll end up single for life…
  15. “It was about time “I” or “they” get married.”  I saved this one for last because this was perhaps one of the most offensive statements ever made to me when I was in the midst of being completely single.  I was happy with my life overall, but this statement rubbed me so wrong.  I was talking to someone with a daughter younger than me who had recently gotten engaged.  This particular woman KNOWS I’m older than her daughter, and KNEW I was single at the time.  I was nice and congratulated her on her daughter’s engagement.  It couldn’t stop there though.  She proceeded to look me in the eye and say, “well it was about time!!!!” (as if it was absolutely shameful).  I could’ve laughed it off I suppose, but I recognized the dig and didn’t feel like letting her get away with it.  I instead politely looked her back in the eye and said, “Is it really about “time,” or is it more important to find the right person no matter how long that may take?”  I really caught her off guard.  Anyways, yeah….just don’t say this.

Alright guys.  There are probably a million more annoying statements, but this is all I have tonight.  I know I’ve graduated from hearing these statements, but graduating from these statements mean I’m heading for the annoying world of “when are you having kids, how many are you having and when do you plan to have another?,” world.  We all have our struggles.  Let’s learn to better understand one another.  What do ya say?  🙂

Are You Living a Well-Rounded Life?

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments
Are You Living a Well-Rounded Life?
 
“A well-rounded life is a life well lived.”
These are the words God recently placed on my heart.  There are a lot of things I’m not and never will be in this life.  However, I like to believe I’m beginning to better understand the well-rounded life.
I’ve always been busy and used to living a life of many facets, but I haven’t necessarily always enjoyed the journey.  In fact, I would go as far as to say I once “endured” it.  Thankfully my Pastor often reminds us that we are not to endure the Christian journey, but rather to enjoy it.
“I’ve also grown to understand, “busy doesn’t always mean productive and productive doesn’t always mean purposeful.”
Though I struggle to maintain balance in my life every day, I’ve learned there are times for “yes” and times for “no.”  God has helped me with this.
I also have finally realized it is more than okay to kick back and to enjoy the people around me, without every single day being incredibly career focused and life-changing.
“Not every single day is meant to be full of revelation or overly significant, though every single day is meant to be an appreciated blessing.”
I was once the girl who thought if the door was open, I should probably walk through it.  If the opportunity was there, I should probably seize it. I was right sometimes and wrong other times.  Some of my yesses added to my life, but others greatly subtracted from it.
I found myself living out my dreams, surrounded by the well-known and the wealthy.  I was consistently adding credits to my resume.  What I didn’t find was time to relax, time to just be me, time for a successful relationship and time to maintain my health.  Worst of all though?  I didn’t find peace at that pace.
“When you’re not experiencing peace, it may be time to adjust the pace.”
I’ve learned a lot from the woman I was.  Now, I’m still very much her to some degree.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m always going to be reaching for more, helping, learning, exploring and looking for new opportunities. I’ve just learned how to say “no” when I don’t want to do something that isn’t required of me.  By saying “no” to the things I don’t want to do, I’m able to say more “yesses” to the things I “do” want to do.  By saying “no” to the same old, same old, this year, I’ve allowed myself time to fall in love.  I’ve allowed myself to take time to plan my wedding and time to enjoy the experience of being engaged.  This is a once-in-a-lifetime season in my life after all!
“I’ve also learned that being well-rounded isn’t about taking on everything, but  more about doing what you love, loving what you do and doing those things well.”
It’s about being knowledgeable in many areas, but most importantly, in the areas that matter.  For me, I have found these areas to contribute to my getting a better feel for the “well-rounded life.”
1.   Meet new people whenever you can, but don’t be afraid to have your “inner circle.”  Find a balance of allowing new people in, but first, nurture your already established relationships: It’s a big world full of so many fascinating people with so many fascinating stories.  Be a listening ear.  Be transparent when you feel led.  Whether you’re in an airplane, at a convention, waiting in line or at a concert, don’t be afraid to meet the stranger next to you.  You just may meet a new person who adds something small but special to your day.  You just may add something small to their day. You may exchange a business card which results in a future partnership.  You may meet a new friend.  You may change that person’s life….or they may end up changing yours. My pastor always urges us to walk through crowds slowly.  Our stories and the stories of others bring an immeasurable amount of healing and inspiration to the world.  In that same sense though, be sure to nurture the already beautiful friendships and the relationship you have.  Don’t forget about your family, your children, your spouse and your oldest friends in the process of serving others.  Not everyone is meant to be part of your inner circle.  Be open and loving to the outside world, but don’t be afraid to draw the line between acquaintances and close friends as well.  You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can certainly be something to someone!  2.  Have friends of all ages:  I like to think my friends range from 9 months to 99 years old, and in all honesty, that’s all been true at some point in my life.  Age doesn’t matter when it comes to being friend of mine.  In fact, different ages bring so many different facets, revelations and stories to my life.  Children remind me to still find beauty in the simple things.  Teenagers remind me of who I was not long ago.  They remind me to keep a young energy.  I enjoy inspiring them.  While some make me want to yank my hair out, I find many who I believe will grow up to make an incredible difference in the world.  I find many I can relate to, laugh with and hopefully encourage whenever possible.  Friends my own age help me celebrate who I am today.  We can relate.  We can share similar struggles, victories and general commonalities.  Friends slightly older than me give me a good idea of what’s to come.  They help me to stay mature and to plan ahead.  They have a wisdom I admire.  Speaking of wisdom, anyone who doesn’t befriend the elderly is doing a serious disservice to one’s self.  These individuals have truly “been there, done that.”  They can serve as an adopted parent or grandparent figure in our lives.  I have several of them, and they mean the world to me.  They tell stories of the past and give us a sneak peek into the future.  I can’t say enough about having friends of all ages.  I think that should be a blog post in itself.  Oh…and never underestimate making friends with animals.  They teach us much more than what some are willing to believe.  A life without dogs is a life not reaching its potential…..just saying.  Back to friends of all ages though:  It’s been one of my greatest keys to success in life.
One of my favorite young friends – my niece Christina.

3.  Do what you love and love what you do:  I write this knowing full well that not all of us are currently able to work full-time at our God-given passions. The creative world isn’t exactly a financially sound world for the majority, but that doesn’t mean the creative mind can’t embrace and enjoy the results of a creative mind.  It also doesn’t mean one should assume that a delay is God’s denial.  Good things take time.  A slow growing oak tree is always better than a fast-growing, brittle one.   It goes back to the old saying, “bloom where you are planted.”  I think of Luke 16:10 – “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”  I fully believe that God wants to see how we treat non-dream jobs, little opportunities and our humble beginnings before he brings us to higher levels.  A grateful and appreciative person continuously sows positive seeds into their talent knowing it will reap a harvest in due time (check out Galatians 5:7).  Whether you have 15 minutes a day or 15 hours a day to focus on your passion, I truly believe what matters most is how you spend that time and the attitude you have during that time.  I believe God makes creative people creative for a purpose, just like he makes business analysts and accountants analytical for a purpose.  I think life comes together when we simply know what we want and know how to go about getting it.  For some that means a certificate, a Bachelors, a Masters or a PHD. For others that may mean starting their own business or being a flight attendant who travels the world.  Just trust that your talents are a gift from Him, bloom where you are planted and consult with Him for wisdom concerning your career path.  Never stop setting goals.  (Note to self).

Yours truly sowing into her musical passion during her college days.

4.  Take care of yourself:  I don’t know about you, but while I’m taking care of everyone and everything, sometimes I forget to take care of me.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay to sit on the couch, sip my favorite hot tea and just do nothing.   I also have to remind myself that I’m probably always going to feel much better after a grilled chicken and steamed broccoli meal than I ever will after eating a big piece of chocolate cake for my dinner (though sometimes I just have to).  Taking care of ourselves covers a broad spectrum.  When one isn’t fully taking care of oneself, they are unable to give to others in the way they could and should.  For some, taking care of oneself may mean a monthly pedicure, a movie night, setting aside time to write a blog or to browse a flea market. For many, taking care of oneself will put them in mind of exercising and general healthy living.  Whether it’s a long walk, a trip to the gym or working hard around the home, it all typically makes a person feel active.  Meal plans, natural remedies and juicing machines – whatever healthily works for you, do it.  Craving a quiet weekend at the beach?  Do it. Oh, and here’s the best way to take care of yourself:  Spend time with Jesus.  A life that aspires to be healthy spiritually has already taken the first big step to a well-rounded life.

Quiet time is one of the best ways we can take care of ourselves.

5.  Get organized and de-clutter your life:  I know I mentioned this in a previous blog, but it just happens to apply to so many life principles.  I know this because I’ve struggled with organization and clutter for much of my life.  God has been dealing with me concerning this for the past year.  Too much “stuff” gets in the way, creates stress and wastes a whole lot of time.  I’ve been cleaning closets, bagging, boxing, pitching, selling and giving away.  My rec room right now should probably be called a “wreck room,” but it’s because I’m going through all the junk and filtering through what will be kept, sold and donated.  Though “stuff” may seem harmless it can hinder and hurt many aspects of our lives.  An organized person will always be one step ahead of a disorganized person, allowing more time for a purposeful, peaceful life.  I truly believe our home lives can either make or break our lives.  I believe treating our homes lives right is key to having peace in our outside lives.

Maybe I still have too many shoes, but they’re organized, right? LOL 😉
A happy home is the start of a happy life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  Do good for others:  We were created to love and to do good for others.  God’s word encourages us to be a helping hand over and over again.  I’ve always believed that one should give away whatever it is they’re needing.  (IE – if a hug is needed, give one.  If some encouragement is needed, give some).  Pastor always reminds us to “live to give.”  It’s also true that we must remember to take care of ourselves in the midst of our giving, as I mentioned above.  Interestingly though, I love giving so much that it feels like I’m doing it for “me,” and I almost feel selfish for how good it makes me feel (Lol).  Giving is just good for everyone.  Always has been….always will be.

One of my old favorite ways to give of my time: I used to have the pleasure of assisting a couple different food pantries in the Nashville community.  Oh the memories!

7.  Try something new:  Whether it’s skydiving or a new recipe, never deprive yourself of adventure.  See new places….try new activities.  Again, meet some new people. If you cross off your entire bucket list….find some things to add to it.  A well rounded, well lived life never stops discovering, learning, exploring and enjoying.

Flying in a 6 seat plane was certainly a bucket list item for me.
Ziplining was also on my bucket list!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Though it may not be “new” to many….Florida was new to me last year. What a great first trip to Panama City!

 

 

 

8.  Celebrate and take in your success:   While we should never stop setting new goals, I think it’s equally important that we stop to celebrate and take in our successes.  Over the years, I had the “never stop setting goals” thing down, but I really didn’t have the celebrate and take it in thing down.  In fact, I never stopped, took in or celebrated any of it, period.  It became a “more, more, more” thing for me, which was certainly not God’s will for me.  I think when we don’t stop to simply take in success and be thankful, it becomes more difficult to be thankful in general.  If we simply see success and reaching a new level as the norm, rather than as a blessing, our thankfulness depletes.  In the long run, this non-stop pace causes passion to fade out and discontentment to fade in.  Then, guess what happens?  Total burnout.  Eventually the burnt out individual will wonder what they even really got out of all their hard work in the end.  They are likely to even question their calling and God-given talents if not careful.  Their success won’t feel lasting, and it won’t feel fulfilling.  Don’t ask me how I know.  I’m learning just like you…

9.   Live more, spend less:  The bible warns against a love of money.  It’s God’s design that we be good stewards and not be bound by lenders.  Materialism is everywhere in our culture.  It’s promoted in the magazines, on the internet, on our television screens, in the movies and everywhere we look.  Sadly, they don’t show us how it feels to struggle to put food on the table or to keep our lights on.  On that same note, it’s hard to experience new things and “live” with zero money to our names.  I believe that if we spend less, we will in the long run, live more.  Sometimes sacrifices have to be made and trade-offs have to happen, but it’s hard to truly live when we’re living far far beyond our means.  When nothing is changing financially, it’s time to look at what you can change:  Get it on sale, use the coupon, pray before making the large purchase, think before getting another credit card, wait to buy the new vehicle you’re not quite ready for and ask yourself if you’re financially in a good position to do what your heart is currently desiring.  Your future self will thank your current self for this. Again, don’t ask me how I know.  Also, remember, just because something is free or cheap doesn’t mean it isn’t fun and just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it is fun.  There are plenty of entertaining activities that don’t cost you your first born.  Don’t be afraid to pull out an old board game, to set up your corn hole boards, to cook at home or to re-watch a movie on your dusty DVD shelf, sometimes.  Oftentimes the best times are the most simple times.

Who says a fire pit at home can’t be more fun than a night out on the town?

 

 

And who says hitting golf balls on the farm with your dad can’t be a complete blast?

 

Oh…and playing games with your niece and nephew? That’s where it’s at.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10.  Seek first his kingdom:  “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” – Matthew 6:33:  It all comes down this, folks.  If we seek first his kingdom, we don’t really have to worry about if we’re being “well-rounded” or not, because if we seek first his kingdom, he has a way of letting everything else fall into place.  When we put him first, we are blessed and highly favored:  Doors are opened, the wrong ones are closed, burdens are eased, direction is given and the right people and opportunities are introduced.  We just have to be willing to move our feet, to work hard, to be responsible and to joyfully go where he sends us.

Leading a well-rounded life starts and ends with Him.  It’s the only kind of life that fulfills.  Again, don’t ask me how I know….