goals

First of all, I am going to admit I’ve said things I wish I could take back.  Haven’t we all?  Sometimes we just simply don’t realize our words are irritating, hurtful, or could even wrongly be perceived as backhanded.  We all fall short sometimes, right?  Right.  Soo….if you read this post and think, “Oh no!  I think I’ve said something similar to Holly once.” No need to fret, because most of those who have said something that rubbed me wrong probably don’t even see my blog posts.  

However, I’ve had plenty of experiences with the unsolicited advice and unwelcome jabs people like to give.  The sweet elderly lady who says one of these unwelcome statements and doesn’t mean anything by it generally doesn’t bother me.  It’s the obvious nosiness, jabs and slams that do.  It’s the comments from my fellow women who SHOULD KNOW BETTER that sometimes do. But honestly, it doesn’t just happen to me.  It happens to WOMEN everywhere….whether single or in a relationship….whether a parent or not.  

I hear these stories over and over again.  In fact, other’s stories is what ultimately inspired me to write this PSA.  Believe it or not, I actually am not writing this because of anything that in particular that has happened to me personally.  I cannot put my finger on anything recent that has impacted me negatively.  I just feel like it’s time I speak out on our behalf…….and I feel like it’s time I say it louder for the ones in the back! 

[If you’ve said one or more than one of these, it’s okay.  We’ve all been there to some level.  Let’s just all learn to do better.  How bout that]?

Without further ado…..here we go:

1.  “Why are you still single?  Aren’t you just about 30?  Isn’t it time you settle down and start a family?  What about your friend such and such?  Have you ever thought about dating them?”

Okay, I snuck a “5 in 1” in point number one, but I couldn’t pick just one.  I STILL get irritated for my single friends and feel total empathy when they get these kinds of comments made to them.  Why?  Because I remember this time in my life so well.  I made a promise to forever be an advocate for the single women in the world, and I have held to that.  I didn’t get married until age 33.  I also didn’t have my first baby until I was 3 weeks shy of 35, so I feel somewhat qualified to address these topics.

Just realize the reason “why” they are single is probably somewhat personal.  Maybe they just haven’t fallen in love yet.  Maybe they’re still not over their ex.  Maybe they have some healing to do.  Maybe they’re focused on their career.  Maybe they want more time.  Maybe things just aren’t working out.  Maybe it’s hurting their heart that things aren’t working out, and they don’t need another reminder of what they cannot change.  

Maybe they love their single life and are open to remaining single for good.  Single doesn’t have to mean lonely or unhappy, does it? Since when should a relationship status define anyone?  Maybe right now they are just enjoying friendships and hanging out with their fellow gal pals?  Maybe romance isn’t a huge desire at this moment.

Whatever the reason they remain single, they probably don’t want to talk about it with someone who isn’t a close friend. Also, they know their age, and they don’t need a reminder.  Maybe their age already slightly bothers them, and they don’t need salt rubbed in the wound.  Maybe they’re very confident and happy with where they are at, at this age.  Maybe “your time” isn’t their time, and more importantly, maybe it isn’t God’s time.  

Oh, and telling them they should date their friend probably isn’t some grand revelation they were needing.  Maybe their friend is like a sibling to them, and there isn’t any romantic connection.  Maybe they’ve talked about dating and just haven’t.  

Again.  Avoid these statements.  Avoid them.  Did I say, avoid them? 🙂  

[If you genuinely think you have someone to set them up with, that isn’t all bad – you may be able to introduce them to the love of their life.  Just be smart about it, think about their possible “taste and standards,” and don’t bring it up in a way that causes pressure].

2)  Now that you’re married, when are you going to start having kids?

Again….no just no.  

Maybe these newlyweds just want to enjoy some time as just the two of them.  

It could be that they’ve been trying, and they’re having infertility issues. Infertility seems to be on the rise, and it’s a very real, heart-breaking struggle.   I’ve watched so many amazing people go through this, and the last thing they need are these prying questions.

One step further.  Maybe this couple already knew before going into a marriage that one of them is unable to have children.  Maybe they’ve been aware of this situation their whole entire life. They aren’t just struggling to conceive – they know that biologically it just cannot happen, period.  This couple decided they wanted to be together, whether their story involves children or not.

Or, it could be that getting pregnant isn’t the issue:  Carrying full-term may be.  It could be that they’ve recently been through a miscarriage….or multiple.  One in four women experience at least one miscarriage in their life, and this too seems to be increasingly more common.  Once again, this question is the worst nightmare for a couple in this situation.  For all you know, the woman is currently in the middle of the emotional and physical pain of loss, right then and there.

Maybe the couple is waiting for their finances and job situations to feel more comfortable.  Maybe they want to wait until after they move and start that next chapter of life. 

Or hey, they could even be among those who have already simply decided that children isn’t for them, period.  Maybe they want a couple dogs, or maybe they don’t even desire pets.  Maybe they are two people who want to travel or focus on their careers without any strings attached.  If that be the case, they shouldn’t be shamed or put down for it.  Deciding one shouldn’t have children isn’t selfish.  Having children when one is unsure and “not all in” is what is actually selfish.  The decision to have children should not be a comparison game or a societal pressure.  It needs to be a personal desire and commitment.

We all have different stories, goals and desires in our lives and not everyone’s looks the same. Whatever the reason, again….never just assume.  It may not be what you think, and if it isn’t YOUR life….why do you REALLY have to know?

3)  Now it’s time for another!  Your son (or) daughter needs a sibling!

Sigh.  Can you tell I’ve been through all three stages of life?  When I got married, I knew the non-stop pregnancy questions would happen.  And I knew, as I was still healing and pumping breastmilk that people would start asking when #2 is coming.  I was right.  Can’t a woman heal, get used to parenting and/or get just a little bit of rest at night?  Is that too much to ask for?  Is it not acceptable for parents to catch their breath and to really soak it all in, and enjoy the moments with their first one before thinking about a second? Again, maybe this couple just wants to wait.  Maybe they aren’t the type to have their children super close together.   [My parents had all of us with 3-5 years in between because that was how they wanted it to happen.  I personally loved the way they chose to do it, and don’t know why people may be discouraged of making a similar decision in 2021].

[On the contrary, please stop shaming people that DO want to have their children close together.  If they have 6 children and they’re all only 13 months apart – that was their call.  It may not be your thing – but it’s theirs. Maybe they’ve always dreamed of a large family and all of their children growing up together, close in age. Personal preference shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern, unless of course, the children aren’t being properly cared for.  And hey, if you’re the caretaker or the one paying the bills, you may have a point.  Otherwise, no].

But, back to what I was saying:  Or, maybe this couple tried for #2, but had a miscarriage they kept secret.

….Or, maybe this couple got pregnant easily the first time, but are experiencing infertility this time around.

……Maybe their baby has special needs, and they really want to focus in on their one child.  Maybe the medical bills and intervention has already been pretty overwhelming.

….Along those lines, maybe they feel like they cannot afford a second child just yet.  It’s reasonable for people to think about the financial aspect too, right?

…..Maybe the mom even developed some health issues after baby #1?  Hey, maybe she already had to have a hysterectomy that you don’t even know about?  Women aren’t made of steel though it may sometimes seem like it.

Or gasp…..maybe this couple only feels led to have ONE child.  OR….maybe they want to adopt next time, and are waiting to do so.  Maybe they even want to be a foster parent. So many possibilities, guys.

I think most people who say/ask this question genuinely mean well and probably don’t see anything wrong with they’re saying, but this is just my friendly reminder:  The “when” question is seldom smart to ask.  I suppose you may sometimes get an excited woman who will answer, “Oh, I’m planning to be pregnant in the next couple months again, and I cannot wait”…….but just remember assumptions can be harmful.

4)  “Oh you’re using formula?  I breastfed all of my children until they were 2, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way…. OR…..Breastmilk is so much better for our children.  They will be smarter because of it.  Breastfed kids are so much more advanced.” [ANY kind of shaming for moms who choose formula over breastmilk.  Breastfeeding benefits’ education, encouragement and awareness is one thing.  Putting someone down or making them feel like a “bad mom” is another].

And here’s the fourth one I’ve been through to some level.  I think a majority of us WISH we could give our children breastmilk.  It’s kind of ingrained in us.  With that said, I’m here to tell you that whether they are breastfed or formula-fed, what matters is that they are getting fed and growing. 

I have a now very healthy, thriving, happy and intelligent almost 2 year old that was only breastfed for………*drum-roll*……6 weeks.  I tried.  I really, really did.

Now, I don’t feel obligated to explain anything.  I just want to.  I want to share the very encouragement I WISH I read while I was going through this struggle. 

I’m doing this for my fellow women:  Looking back, I actually unfairly put myself under a lot of undue stress, because I thought I was “supposed to” according to the societal stigmas.  Even as a full-term baby, my girl was born at preemie size.  And then of course, they can lose a little weight those first couple days after birth.  (She did).  That first month was honestly a blur of stress, pressure and anxiety.  Oh, I had a great support system:  It was just my first time doing this, and I encountered so many hurdles I didn’t expect.

This tired mama also returned to her full-time work only 5 1/2 weeks after giving birth, by choice (I almost returned sooner, but my Dr. was the one who wasn’t ready).  She soon agreed.  So, there I was, already a balancing act.  Since I was 16 years old, this was the LONGEST work “break” I had in 20 years, and we all know, “maternity leave” is hardly a break.

What’s more?  So much more.  (I think I may do a separate blog on this one day).  But anyways, to sum it up in short, Clara had the milk protein sensitivity.  Her little cherry-sized tummy was sensitive.  I completely eliminated dairy (AND soy) from my diet.  Anyone who has ever done this knows how hard it is.  Dairy certainly isn’t impossible to eliminate, but to also completely eliminate soy wasn’t so easy.  I’m not a big processed food fan, but if it didn’t come from the ground or straight from the farm, even a bite of it was pretty much out for me.  Even seasonings or things you don’t readily expect had one or both ingredients in it.  I managed a few weeks on a plain meat, veggies and fruit type of diet, and ate the few soy/dairy free options out there, but it became apparent that Clara still wasn’t growing her best on breastmilk.  That’s not to mention other additional hurdles we had with it.  It wasn’t even just the sensitivity itself. It got to the point that when I went to the lactation consultant, she looked me in the eye and said, “Honey, I was formula-fed, and I’m doing great today.  It is reasonable for you to go that route.”  Clara’s pediatrician then reminded me that “how I was feeling” mattered too.

And there we had it.  I swallowed all of my pride. I had tried, and formula was our way.  Soon after making the switch, Clara began growing rapidly and finally graduated to newborn clothes, and then 0-3, and on and on.  Now like I said, she’s a healthy almost 24 pound toddler, without any food allergies or sensitivities, as far as we know.

So if anyone wants to shame the route I took, all I can say is, “Her thriving was/is so much more important to me than any societal pressures.”  It’s okay, moms.  It really is.  I decided I will NEVER put myself through this kind of pressure again.  If it works……great!  If it doesn’t….that’s okay too!  Thank God for formula!

*And I also sincerely want to add:  If all of your children were exclusively breastfed, I do think you should be very proud of that.  I know that’s a big accomplishment and requires so much time, effort, love and sacrifice!  I know of some moms who have balanced this task even with working outside the home – (having to pump on lunch breaks and going into the mother’s room, etc. I think that’s amazing, and I admire this balance more than I can put into words). 

However, my point:  Just know that our paths to raising our children cannot all be the same.  Just know that ignorance, arrogance or throwing around the “kids will be so much smarter,” comment isn’t helpful to the mom who cannot make it work.  And it may very well not even be a thing like science claims.  A couple of the smartest people I know just happened to also be formula-fed babies as well.  My husband was one of those stubborn babies, in fact.  [While we were going through the sensitivity struggle with Clara, I jokingly asked him if this “smarter” theory meant he could’ve been a rocket scientist instead of an attorney then?  I mean, getting through law school and passing the bar exam alone, takes some brains.  Let’s be honest]. 

What matters most of all, is that our children thrive and get to growing.  Whatever the reason a mother chooses not to breastfeed, respect it, and mind your own – cool? AND if she chooses to breastfeed long-term, applaud her for a great accomplishment!  Let’s encourage one another ladies!  It’s already difficult enough to be a woman, and nothing is worse than women tearing down their fellow women.

5)  Women should stay at home with their children /OR Women need to contribute outside the home.

To put it plain and simple, both statements are insensitive.  Again, the decisions people make for their families are ultimately up to them.  We live in a world of double standards, and the comments aren’t always easy to stomach.

Let’s start with “women should stay at home with their children”:  Hello.  It’s 2021.  We are the SAME society that pushes for EVERYONE to go to college.  The same college that brings debt.  The same debt that makes graduates feel like they need a high paying job to pay off debt.  So which is it, guys?  I think there are A LOT of women in this world who would love nothing more than to stay home with their babies full-time, but they feel that they need to keep contributing to the income.  Also, last time I checked, “living” is expensive, whether it’s maintaining homes, vehicles, putting food on the table or general bills.  Some of the same people telling the woman to stay home are likely some of the same people who pushed her into college to begin with.  You can’t always have BOTH.  Hey, maybe she didn’t even go to college and living is STILL too expensive.  Maybe she came into the marriage debt-free and still feels the need to work outside the home.

Maybe it’s not even really about finances.  Maybe this mother is just simply a career woman.  Maybe she’s known ever since she was a little girl that she wanted to be a mom AND a full-time employee.  Nothing wrong with that, right?  Maybe she’s always wanted to be a Doctor, a teacher, a lawyer, a secretary…..whatever it may be.  If she spent all of those years in medical school, isn’t it reasonable that she may want to continue to utilize her degree?  Maybe staying at home all day makes her stir crazy, and it’s just not the best thing for her personally. 

In some cases, maybe the wife has the higher paying job than the husband. Maybe they ultimately decide the dad should be the one to stay home.  That’s okay too, folks!  Maybe she is a passionate dentist, and he doesn’t have a particular passion besides maintaining the home and caring for his children.  Rather than pay for childcare, they decide to make him the stay-at-home parent. As long as he is contributing, that’s their business, right? 

Now, moving along to, “Women need to contribute outside the home.”  Again, how is this anyone’s business, except the couple’s?  I know probably an equal amount of moms who work outside the home, as I do mothers who stay home.  Both women have a hard job. 

I have a confession:  [I am currently doing BOTH!  Just to be real….it’s challenging, but it’s doable in my case.  I realize in some cases it may not be.  I work 8-4:30 Monday-Friday on my laptop from home, while caring for my daughter in between.  I’m very thankful I’m able to do both, and I give God all the glory.  Pack n’ plays and cartoons are where it’s at.  And don’t even get on my case about my child watching some TV so that I can get work done].  But my point is, I get it.  I get that moms want to be home and raise their babies, rather than put them in the care of someone else.  They shouldn’t be put down for it, as long as they come to an agreement with their husband that it’s doable.  Now, if the woman is a wild spender or has a huge history of debt and her poor husband is working 3 jobs just to keep up…..that’s another story.  God has certainly never meant for us to take advantage of our husbands.  However, a mom who is happily working at home, taking care of her babies, cooking, maintaining the home and being a reasonable steward?  She’s working, and she’s working hard.  Applaud her!  I tend to think a majority of women are kind of geared towards wanting to be home as we know this has been kind of a traditional role throughout history.  I just think not many feel they are able to do so in 2021. 

Whatever the case, a woman is contributing, whether she’s working in the home, working outside the home….and hopefully, in my case, of balancing both at once.

I could probably easily make this list a top 10, and hey, maybe if this goes over well, I will make a part 2.  For now though?  C’mon ladies.  Do not pick on each other’s relationship, baby and employment statuses.  How about we avoid the “catty gossip hours?”  Life has an interesting way of taking us in different directions than we expect.  Maybe what you’re picking on today could be tomorrow’s new battle for you?  Let us remember too, we cannot possibly understand what we ourselves have never walked through.

How about we build each other up, be careful about assumptions and offer encouragement every chance we get?  Would you like a part 2 of “things to never say to your fellow women?”  Share your thoughts in the comment section below!