My ultimate goal as a blogger is to build up, to empower, to encourage and to share the love of Christ. On this Christian lifestyle blog, I promote the importance of remaining “strong” in our faith, our convictions, our lifestyles and our goals no matter what life throws our way. Remaining strong as a Christ follower means allowing him to be your strength in all areas, while depending on him for peace, wisdom and discernment. When we look to God for these things, we can rest assured, that at times, he will open doors, close doors and redirect us. He helps us to see “calling conflicts,” and “devious distractions,” which aren’t good for our walk with him. He will help us to see what is healthy for our lives vs. what isn’t. He knows what is good for the soul, and what is in contrast, damaging for the soul. If you have read any of my posts, you know I love people….a lot. My love of people is what led me to create, “Strong With Holly Marie Tong.” “Compassionate” and “encouraging” are two words my closest friends would regularly associate with me. I have to be real honest though: I’m still human, and as part of being human, there are some people in this world, I’d rather not spend a lot of time with. There are some people out there who I just cannot allow a spot in my little personal boat…..and I know God isn’t asking me to. Do I love them? YES! I have countless acquaintances who know I love them and would do just about anything for them. While they may not be an “up close friend,” I’m glad to love and be helpful to them from afar. Some of them are probably very “boat-worthy”….we just haven’t had a chance to get to know each other on a deeper level. That’s how life goes sometimes, I guess. With that said, I have a small metaphorical boat to keep afloat in this life. As a result, I decided a long time ago, I need a small group of trustworthy folks paddling along with me. What I do not need in my boat are folks secretly sawing holes into the side while I paddle with all my might. I will always wave and be kind to those kinds of people as they paddle along in their own personal boat, however. I’ll probably even toss them a water or a life jacket while I’m at it too. If they’re mentally drowning, rest assured, I care, and I will do all I can to save them. However, I’m probably never going to consider them a “friend”……at least not a close one.
With that said, we should continue to love ALL people no matter what they’ve done to us and no matter what our differences may be……..BUT do not be afraid to love some of them from afar. Our future successes and God-given callings depend on us being careful about who we let into our boats. God does not ask us to open our lives to drama, or to share our fears and struggles with everyone. He does teach us to be wise and discerning. (Proverbs 15:21). In my personal experience, here are 10 types of people you should by all means “love from afar”…..but never actually allow into your personal boat. If you want to stay focused, joyful, peaceful, strong and free of drama, strife and anger, here are 10 types of people you should love from afar:
- The Gossiper. Few people will bring you more pain, drama and problems than the gossiper. They thrive off of broadcasting the lives of others. Remember, if someone is comfortable enough to regularly gossip to you….they are probably comfortable with gossiping about you. If you think you’re their exception, chances are, you’re lying to yourself. Also, if you’re comfortable with hanging out with a gossiper, you will likely soon become comfortable with gossip….if you haven’t already. Gossip is not approved of by God, whether or not we want it to be. Sometimes it can be tough to keep our mouths closed, but…….Ephesians 4:29 says, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. If some form of juicy information you just scored isn’t going to “help” someone, or if it doesn’t affect them directly, why repeat it to them? If your BEST FRIEND is the president of the town “Gossip Club,” it may be time to reexamine on several levels.
- The Opportunist Friend. The opportunist friend is THRILLED to take the limo with you. However, when the limo breaks down, this person is no where to be found. Your true friend though? They will be sitting beside you on that dirty bus when you’re down on your luck. Opportunist friends are plentiful during your successful and “rolling in the dough,” times. They’re glad to use your extra tickets and backstage passes, but when those things run out, they run towards the hills. Your true friend? They come over with ice cream, and they dry your tears, as the two of you sit on your old faded couch. She tells you you’re beautiful and that she’s blessed to have you in her life. She does all of this KNOWING you have nothing to give to her, except your reciprocated love and friendship. The opportunist doesn’t see you….they see opportunities, advancements, promotion, materials, and maybe even fame, depending on the case. It’s ALL about what YOU can do for THEM. Sometimes being at the bottom is a beautiful thing. It helps you identify who is who. I’ve been in both places in my life more than once. It’s interesting to see who is there, and who isn’t there, in both places. True friendship is about going through ups and downs together…..not only being there during the ups. The ups are the easy part. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” I’ve never known an opportunist friend who truly cares about the other person’s soul, health, well-being or relationship with God. Choose wisely. Philippians 2 talks about not doing anything out of vain conceit or selfish ambition. While we are definitely called to place others above ourselves, God never asks us to be advantage of either.
- The Narcissist. The narcissist is typically also an opportunist friend, but some people don’t even realize they’re a narcissist. The narcissist may not be in it for material perks or cash, but they’re ALL about THEM. A “friendship” with a narcissist is always a one-way friendship. They typically only come to you when they need something or need to vent. They’re probably not too worried about the fact that life is crashing down around you as well. They cannot WAIT for you to be done talking, so that they can talk about them. In fact, their eyes glaze over when you talk about you, for even just thirty seconds. I’m not going to sugar-coat this: After almost 13 years of being around the entertainment industry, I have a master’s degree, (possibly a doctorate degree), in this area. Narcissists LOVE journalists and publicists…..when they’re writing about them, and their flawless image, of course. A narcissist will always, always forget about the journalist or the publicist once they get what they want….or better yet, when their job description changes entirely. The non-narcissist humbly remembers acts of kindness and forever considers even “the little person” a forever friend from then on out. Philippians 2 is a great place to look for the kind of humility that God calls us to have. He tells us to look to the interest of others. If a person cannot EVER look to your interests, it isn’t God’s best friendship for you.
- The Digger. This person lives life as if making “digs” at you is their job. They’re typically also a very passive aggressive person. The two characteristics go hand-in-hand I’ve found. The digger never really has anything nice to say, but they LOVE pointing out your wrinkles and the five pounds you’ve gained. They also particularly enjoy telling you how tired you look…..even if you’re not tired. They probably also let you know that your new vehicle isn’t their cup of tea, that they don’t like the color you’re wearing and that their house is bigger than yours. They blow things out of proportion and make mountains out of molehills. They also love giving you an anonymous one star review on your book or song, as well as giving you a thumbs down on your You Tube channel. The digger finds all your faults, but never considers complimenting you. They typically pop up on your Facebook, Instagram or Twitter ONLY to make a dig. You may not hear from the person ALL year, but they pop up solely to make a snide comment on your photo. You may not have talked to them since high school, but they pop up only to argue on the first controversial post you’ve made in a long time. They’re also infamous for only liking another person’s argumentative comment back to you on YOUR page, but they’d never consider actually liking YOUR post on YOUR page. Funny enough, you forgot you were even friends with that person. Man, not only are they a digger….they’re also a lurker. Though you’ve had more of a writing career than they ever have, they’re the type to happily find your one error on your blog post. Not only will they find it….they will be sure to publicly alert you about it, in hopes of embarrassing you. What’s more? They’ve NEVER once shown any appreciation for your blog, yet they care SO much about your one error. Now, a true friend probably is also going to let you know about the error. However, they are going to privately alert you of it, because they care about you, and they want your blog to be at its best at all times. They also want to save you from “the digger” pointing it out instead. The digger never notices the 99 things you just mastered…..but they will always faithfully point out your 1 oversight. They are perhaps one of the most irritating people out there. Yes, you still need to love them, but the Lord doesn’t ask us to bring these people into our boat. EVERYONE has experience with a digger….especially if they’ve ever worked outside the home. They think they’re smooth and sneaky, but what they don’t realize is how very obvious they are. It’s usually best to not acknowledge or engage them. They’re just showing you how much of a frenemy they really are. They want a reaction out of you, and they’re hoping that reaction is “anger.” When they’ve clearly shown you that they’re rude and enjoy putting you down…..believe them, pray for them and love them from afar. Do NOT let them in your boat, unless you want to sink. The digger can also typically be classified as an “arguer.” Can you tell I’ve met a few diggers in my lifetime? Timothy 2:23-25 reminds us to have nothing to do with foolish arguments because they just produce quarrels. If you hang out with the digger…..just realize that quarrels, anger, irritation and inferiority will become a normalcy in your life.
- The Constant Comparer. This person is always better, faster, smarter, richer, skinnier and prettier than you…..in their mind at least. It doesn’t matter what you do, what you buy or what you achieve….they can “one up” you. At church, we’ve been on a series about being a “Great You” instead of a “Poor Me.” Our Pastor pointed out a pattern with this way of thing: There’s always an “ER” at the end of all of these words, and in turn, it sends Christians to a spiritual ER. The comparer is obsessed with outdoing and outperforming, whether if it’s for the bad or for the good. They care far too much about what others are doing. Let me expand on the comparer even more: The story they have to tell is always “more interesting” than yours. Their past breakup was worse than yours. They’ve struggled more than you. They’ve survived more than you. They’re stronger than you. They’re more seasoned and experienced than you. The comparer can never let a story be “your story” and let you get in a word edgewise….they always have to compare. James 3:16 reminds us, For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist,there will be disorder and every vile practice.
- The Copier. The copier is similar to the comparer, but different. The copier flat out tries to be you. Rather than seek God to figure out their own individual purpose, gifts and talents, they decide to mimic you instead. This is another concept we’ve been talking about at church that goes along with the comparer. As our Pastor says, it’s okay to admire another’s talent, but when you desire another’s gift rather than hone your own, then it becomes a problem. This is precisely how we end up pursuing paths that God never called us to. Desiring another’s life brings about jealousy and envy, which opens the floodgates to an unhealthy lifestyle. If you cannot say anything in front of the copier without them flat out trying to steal your idea….then it’s a problem. If you start making scarves….and they start making scarves 5 minutes later, something might be up. If you start a personal training business…and they randomly start a personal training business one day later, then something likely IS up. They may copy your individualistic wardrobe piece by piece….then act like it was their style all along. They may even go as far as to try to make it seem like you want to be them, which is of course only going to bring more aggravation to the situation. The copier may seem cute and harmless at first, but when they start bringing drama, stealing your contacts, your business ideas and trying to steal your friends (real friends can’t be stolen), just like its elementary school….then you know this is a toxic situation to steer clear of. Matthew 15:30 says, But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. With even our hairs on our head being numbered it is certain that God has a special plan and purpose for each of us. A person can only discover their true purpose through God, not through copying another.
- The Entitlist. Is that even a word? I don’t know. Maybe I’m making up words here? Maybe someone who has never once said a kind word to me, should pop up to play Grammar Police if it isn’t a word? 😉 Okay, okay….staying on track. The entitlist is similar to the opportunist, but they are not exactly two in the same. The entitlist pops up ONLY if they cannot pay a bill or need a favor. They may not necessarily ask for a backstage pass or free publicity, BUT they need $500.00 by Friday……..AND it’s up to YOU to give it them. But WAIT? We haven’t talked in 15 years….how is that up to me? It isn’t up to you, sister. This particular entitlist is healthy and capable of working, but they have chosen to not have a job of any sort for the past five years. They’ve instead decided it’s up to people like you to fund them. They haven’t simply fallen on hard times or gone through a particularly rough year……this is simply their daily mindset. Or here’s another one: They don’t really know you, but they text you to pick them up at the bar at 2 AM on a Wednesday night. The next time you hear from them? The same exact scenario, but it’s Thursday instead. You get up for work at 5 AM…..they live on their own schedule and wake up at approximately 5 PM every day. Let’s just say, you do help the begging entitlist once or twice. Maybe not in ALL cases, but in MOST, they will continue to only pop up when they need something. Your job is to give, give, give….and their job is to take, take, take. While I’m ALL about helping and always will be (the bible most definitely encourages us to give to the needy), it is completely okay to pray, discern and decide these things on a case by case basis. In fact, that’s the wise way to go about it. We are to be helpful and giving, but we are not to enable sin or laziness in the process. We should genuinely pay attention to people’s hurts, needs and struggles. However, it isn’t up to us to foolishly drain our accounts and energy for the unappreciative, and for those who refuse to help themselves. End of story. If you are unsure about what you should do about any given situation placed in your court, remember, James 1:5 – If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
- The Crowd Follower. Have you ever heard of “birds of a feather will flock together?” Again, love EVERYONE. Be there for people whenever you can….whether or not they’re in your main circle. Be an outreacher and a giver. However, remember those who simply follow the crowd never go much farther than the crowd. Your calling and purpose is far too important to God to simply follow with the tide of the world. Ask him who he wants you to be and where he wants you to go….and be willing to do whatever he tells you to do. If your boat is full of crowd followers, you are probably going to remain in a crowded ocean full of other boats doing the same exact things. You’re also probably not going to be doing what he specifically called you to do. Here’s a thought: If you see a crowd….consider why you see a crowd? Are they following pop culture or Jesus? It’s okay to be “friends” with a crowd follower of course…….but you probably shouldn’t be going to them as your main source of advice and support either. Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Romans 12:22 spells it out as well: “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
- The Liar. This one is pretty obvious for obvious reasons, but sometimes in our quest to see the best in people, we refuse to see the truth that is right in front of us: The fact that said person lies about every little thing…..all.the.time. It doesn’t even always have to be a big lie. Some people are simply addicted to lying. Sometimes they barely even know that they’re doing it or why they’re doing it. It could simply be telling you that they went skydiving back in 2008, when in fact they never did, or that they returned the Redbox movie you watched the night before, while it’s still sitting on their dresser. However, if they’re comfortable with lying about little things, they’re probably also comfortable with lying about big things. An “inner circle” friend that isn’t honest is going to bring you all kinds of unnecessary hurt and drama in the long run. If they’re not afraid to lie, they may not be afraid to steal either. In fact, a pathological liar may not be afraid to do a lot of things. A friend you can’t trust isn’t really much of a friend, are they? Plain and simple. Proverbs 16:28 says, A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.
- The High Maintenance/Easily Angered/Easily Offended. These people all fall into the same category in my experience. There is zero grace and zero understanding from this person when “life happens.” One tiny “mistake” and their “non-measuring up” friend is gone, even if said friend has been extremely reliable otherwise. The mistake could be as small as forgetting to text back within the hour. It could even be that you gave them advice they didn’t like….though they asked for your advice. This high maintenance person is probably also gossiping about you to another so-called friend about your “mistake.” Interestingly, the friend they’re gossiping to is one you’ve heard them gossip about before……for their tiny “mistake.” Allowing a high maintenance person into your boat is sure to replace peace with anxiety. The high maintenance person is usually also a narcissist. If you have to get off the phone five minutes after they call due to your kid waking up crying, and you KNOW they’re going to be offended by that, there is a problem. They clearly have zero understanding of your family life and other obligations. In general, this type of person is easily offended by just about anything and everything. They’re offended that you didn’t call them yesterday, though you didn’t know you needed to. They’re furious that you couldn’t attend their “makeup party” due to you already having a “date night” scheduled with your husband. They’re angry that you didn’t like their Instagram photo, because well, you’re never on Instagram. They’re offended that you believe differently than they do. They’re annoyed that you didn’t ask them what radio station they wanted to listen to….in YOUR car. They demand to see the restaurant manager, because the otherwise great server forgot to put their dressing on the side. Heck, this kind of person may even tell the restaurant to change their thermostat, or to shut up the toddler ten tables away (who you and others are tolerating just fine). If you’re determined to maintain a friendship with a high maintenance person, you better also be determined to spend your life walking on eggshells. Likely though, you’ll end up anxious and insecure and in a quiet shell where you aren’t yourself at all. This isn’t how a healthy friendship is supposed to look…. Proverbs 22:24-25 says, Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with the easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.
The truth is, most of us have been one or two (maybe more) of the types of people I mentioned above, at some point in our lives. No one is perfect, and that is why Jesus died on the cross. The Bible says all have sinned and fall short of his glory. (Romans 3:23). Thank the Lord for his grace!
The bible has a whole lot to say about our friendships and our associations as stated above though. In 1 Corinthians 15:33, we also see, “Do not be misled. Bad company corrupts good character.” Isn’t is probable that bad company in our boat will eventually corrupt us?
Here is the thing though: If we want good friends, we should first learn how to be a good friend. We shouldn’t expect to have loyal trustworthy friends, if we ourselves are not willing to be a loyal trustworthy friend. When we learn to be a good friend we will attract the right kind of friends. If you keep attracting drama only, it may be time to examine why that is. The examples above are examples of what not to be. Thankfully, the Bible doesn’t stop at simply telling us who not to be….it also faithfully guides us towards who to be. The books of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, along with the rest of the Bible (of course) is a great place to read about the kind of friend God wants us to be.
Here are of my favorite verses about the definition of a good friend and how to be a good friend:
Luke 6:31 – Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Colossians 3:12-14 –Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Proverbs 12:26 – The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
Proverbs 27:17 – As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:5 – Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
John 15:12-15 – My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Proverbs 19:20 – Listen to advice and accept disciple, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.
It is crystal clear that our friendships and associations matter to the Lord. If they matter to God….shouldn’t they matter to us?
