encouragement

“My Times Are In Your Hands”: Modestly Managing “Mommy Madness”

hollymarietong Encouragement, Motherhood, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment
“My Times Are In Your Hands”: Modestly Managing “Mommy Madness”
Photo Credit: Veri Ivanova

I don’t know about you, but I often struggle to believe that time is my friend.  I often struggle to believe that the load I’m carrying is even currently manageable…..or worse – Is it even sustainable in the long run? I’ve learned the hard way that I cannot control much of anything at all, despite my best efforts to do so.

The truth is:  Most days it’s a struggle to get even 15 minutes to sit and breathe.  It doesn’t help that my mind is programmed to believe that productivity is vital at all times.  The biggest problem is, I get overwhelmed by my massive to-do list.  I get so overwhelmed that nothing gets done at all.  For every big task I get done, two unexpected ones get added.  If I do get 10 minutes to try to tackle any given task, I either end up with a phone call, an unexpected favor that’s been asked of me…..or maybe, I catch my two year old coloring on the walls yet again. Yes.  Think of “Harold and the Purple Crayon.”  That’s our current situation, and then some.  Little man always seems to find those writing utensils no matter where I store them (of course he gets into everything else right now, too).  He’s a joyful tornado, if you can imagine that.

And the mess.  It’s everywhere.  I mean, everywhere.  Our bar area is covered by random knick-knacks, pages ripped out of books, loose change, pens that don’t work and buttons that have popped off.  You’ll also find random chargers, hair ties, clippers, broken toys and owner’s manuals.  And let’s not forget the stack of papers I still need to read, analyze, sign, return, file, etc. And the laundry obnoxiously piles up before I can even put away the last load.  If I were to detail everything I’m behind on, this blog would turn into a boring book.  It all looks and feels embarrassing if I’m fully honest.

“I’ll get to it tomorrow,” I tell myself.

This full-time working outside the home AND as a stay-at-home mom, “life,” is exhausting to put it mildly.  And only those closest to us truly know everything my current life entails AND demands.  But, I also know, 20 years from now, I’ll be glad I fully took on “the hard,” instead of running from it.

And, I really, really do try.  I’m trying to be disciplined, but the messes, and “the messages” on my phone, computer and mailbox often hit me like a ton of bricks.  I often feel like the average day brings a lot of “unexpected nonsense” which keeps me from the bigger priorities.

……..Anyone else feel that way?

And….I’ve always heard, “chase 2 rabbits, and both get away.” Many days I feel like I have 200 rabbits on the go and 100 fires burning.  And, while trying to figure out which one to attend to first, I get overwhelmed and give up.   If my head were a computer, I’d have 200 tabs open and running at all times.  “Which priority is the BIGGEST priority?” is a question I silently ask myself often.

And, I’ve been trying so hard to maximize my time.  I’ve been trying to work with what I DO have for time, instead of dwelling on what I don’t have for time.  I’ve had to learn to be creative.  I’ve had to learn to spot “not-so-obvious, opportunities” for time with God, time to catch a breath. Every school pickup turns into a “prayer drive” afterwards.  I grab a coffee, a quencher or a smoothie for me, and two dairy-free smoothies for the kiddos.  We drive down that beautiful side road on our way home, as if it’s our first time looking at those gorgeous mountains in the distance.  We pray, we worship, we reflect.  This is how I want them to know me.  Sure, mommy probably lost her patience earlier that day, and may be on the struggle bus again that night….but, I want them to know that praise and worship is what I’ll always return to.

Yes.  As hard as it may be –  I’m trying really hard to give God my first 15 minutes of the day (which is Clara’s drive to school M-F), my middle of the day 15 (or a full hour), and my last 15.  I find my last 15 to be the most challenging.  Give God your first 15 and your last 15 was pre-marital counseling advice Kyle and I received from the fabulous Rob Simms of Joy Church.  I haven’t always abided by this priceless advice, but I also have never forgotten it either.  I always eventually default back to this goal.  I find it to be so key.

I recently heard another pastor say, “if you speak about lack of time, you’ll have lack of time.”

I recall another saying, “I’m too busy to NOT spend time with God.”

And so, I’m trying.  I listen to church services and/or inspirational videos while I fold the laundry, wash dishes or shower.  Sitting and waiting on my car to receive its maintenance is now basically a spa day for me.  I now see the smallest openings as opportunities vs. a lack of time.

As I write this blog, I’m multi-tasking both kids.  Weston thinks we are playing pickleball together.  So in between each sentence, I’m literally serving the ball as far as I can across the house.  I take my free 30 seconds before he returns the ball, to write another sentence or form another thought.

((Please Lord…..help this blog entry to make sense.  Help it to not have 101 errors that I don’t even have time to spot before I hit the publish button)).

So, yes.  I’m trying to clean, declutter, organize, execute, and be a whole lot to a lot of people these days.

BUT…..

Despite the mess, despite the chaos….the good Lord meets me right there in the midst of it.  Every time.  He’s right there with me as I’m literally running through the living room obstacle course of random junk, trying not to trip.  He’s right there with me, as I’m launching both kids into their car seats knowing I don’t have any time to spare.  And, he’s right there with me as I’m behind that slow-moving dump truck that is going to make me 2 minutes late for that important appointment.  And when I ask him the best alternative route when I come upon that train that’s stopped on the tracks…..he is faithful to remind me of the best way to get 45 minutes away, on time.  He’s right there with me when I feel exhausted, defeated, unheard….and right there when I experience life’s victories too.

He is always faithful.  But, I’m still learning to remember, “My times are in your hands.”

But I know it’s true.  I know that even when I feel like I don’t have time, I can be assured that he will provide me with time…even if it looks like more multitasking again.  He will maximize what I do have.  He’s the captain of this ship after all.  The less manageable and sustainable this feels, the more I lean on him.  The more I know I need to trust him, to be my strength, to be my guide, and to be the one who goes before me.  The more I remember when he says:  “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And sometimes I simply have to remind myself:  He can do more in 15 minutes than I can do in 15 years.  He can turn it all around in the blink of an eye.

Again, our times are in his hands…..and his hands have never failed…..and they never will.

**************************

((Key verses)):

My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. (Psalm 31:15)

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5:15-16)

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.  (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.  The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:8-9)

5 Things To Never Say To Your Fellow Women

hollymarietong Encouragement, single life , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment
5 Things To Never Say To Your Fellow Women

First of all, I am going to admit I’ve said things I wish I could take back.  Haven’t we all?  Sometimes we just simply don’t realize our words are irritating, hurtful, or could even wrongly be perceived as backhanded.  We all fall short sometimes, right?  Right.  Soo….if you read this post and think, “Oh no!  I think I’ve said something similar to Holly once.” No need to fret, because most of those who have said something that rubbed me wrong probably don’t even see my blog posts.  

However, I’ve had plenty of experiences with the unsolicited advice and unwelcome jabs people like to give.  The sweet elderly lady who says one of these unwelcome statements and doesn’t mean anything by it generally doesn’t bother me.  It’s the obvious nosiness, jabs and slams that do.  It’s the comments from my fellow women who SHOULD KNOW BETTER that sometimes do. But honestly, it doesn’t just happen to me.  It happens to WOMEN everywhere….whether single or in a relationship….whether a parent or not.  

I hear these stories over and over again.  In fact, other’s stories is what ultimately inspired me to write this PSA.  Believe it or not, I actually am not writing this because of anything that in particular that has happened to me personally.  I cannot put my finger on anything recent that has impacted me negatively.  I just feel like it’s time I speak out on our behalf…….and I feel like it’s time I say it louder for the ones in the back! 

[If you’ve said one or more than one of these, it’s okay.  We’ve all been there to some level.  Let’s just all learn to do better.  How bout that]?

Without further ado…..here we go:

  1.  “Why are you still single?  Aren’t you just about 30?  Isn’t it time you settle down and start a family?  What about your friend such and such?  Have you ever thought about dating them?”

Okay, I snuck a “5 in 1” in point number one, but I couldn’t pick just one.  I STILL get irritated for my single friends and feel total empathy when they get these kinds of comments made to them.  Why?  Because I remember this time in my life so well.  I made a promise to forever be an advocate for the single women in the world, and I have held to that.  I didn’t get married until age 33.  I also didn’t have my first baby until I was 3 weeks shy of 35, so I feel somewhat qualified to address these topics.

Just realize the reason “why” they are single is probably somewhat personal.  Maybe they just haven’t fallen in love yet.  Maybe they’re still not over their ex.  Maybe they have some healing to do.  Maybe they’re focused on their career.  Maybe they want more time.  Maybe things just aren’t working out.  Maybe it’s hurting their heart that things aren’t working out, and they don’t need another reminder of what they cannot change.  

Maybe they love their single life and are open to remaining single for good.  Single doesn’t have to mean lonely or unhappy, does it? Since when should a relationship status define anyone?  Maybe right now they are just enjoying friendships and hanging out with their fellow gal pals?  Maybe romance isn’t a huge desire at this moment.

Whatever the reason they remain single, they probably don’t want to talk about it with someone who isn’t a close friend. Also, they know their age, and they don’t need a reminder.  Maybe their age already slightly bothers them, and they don’t need salt rubbed in the wound.  Maybe they’re very confident and happy with where they are at, at this age.  Maybe “your time” isn’t their time, and more importantly, maybe it isn’t God’s time.  

Oh, and telling them they should date their friend probably isn’t some grand revelation they were needing.  Maybe their friend is like a sibling to them, and there isn’t any romantic connection.  Maybe they’ve talked about dating and just haven’t.  

Again.  Avoid these statements.  Avoid them.  Did I say, avoid them? 🙂  

[If you genuinely think you have someone to set them up with, that isn’t all bad – you may be able to introduce them to the love of their life.  Just be smart about it, think about their possible “taste and standards,” and don’t bring it up in a way that causes pressure].

2)  Now that you’re married, when are you going to start having kids?

Again….no just no.  

Maybe these newlyweds just want to enjoy some time as just the two of them.  

It could be that they’ve been trying, and they’re having infertility issues. Infertility seems to be on the rise, and it’s a very real, heart-breaking struggle.   I’ve watched so many amazing people go through this, and the last thing they need are these prying questions.

One step further.  Maybe this couple already knew before going into a marriage that one of them is unable to have children.  Maybe they’ve been aware of this situation their whole entire life. They aren’t just struggling to conceive – they know that biologically it just cannot happen, period.  This couple decided they wanted to be together, whether their story involves children or not.

Or, it could be that getting pregnant isn’t the issue:  Carrying full-term may be.  It could be that they’ve recently been through a miscarriage….or multiple.  One in four women experience at least one miscarriage in their life, and this too seems to be increasingly more common.  Once again, this question is the worst nightmare for a couple in this situation.  For all you know, the woman is currently in the middle of the emotional and physical pain of loss, right then and there.

Maybe the couple is waiting for their finances and job situations to feel more comfortable.  Maybe they want to wait until after they move and start that next chapter of life. 

Or hey, they could even be among those who have already simply decided that children isn’t for them, period.  Maybe they want a couple dogs, or maybe they don’t even desire pets.  Maybe they are two people who want to travel or focus on their careers without any strings attached.  If that be the case, they shouldn’t be shamed or put down for it.  Deciding one shouldn’t have children isn’t selfish.  Having children when one is unsure and “not all in” is what is actually selfish.  The decision to have children should not be a comparison game or a societal pressure.  It needs to be a personal desire and commitment.

We all have different stories, goals and desires in our lives and not everyone’s looks the same. Whatever the reason, again….never just assume.  It may not be what you think, and if it isn’t YOUR life….why do you REALLY have to know?

3)  Now it’s time for another!  Your son (or) daughter needs a sibling!

Sigh.  Can you tell I’ve been through all three stages of life?  When I got married, I knew the non-stop pregnancy questions would happen.  And I knew, as I was still healing and pumping breastmilk that people would start asking when #2 is coming.  I was right.  Can’t a woman heal, get used to parenting and/or get just a little bit of rest at night?  Is that too much to ask for?  Is it not acceptable for parents to catch their breath and to really soak it all in, and enjoy the moments with their first one before thinking about a second? Again, maybe this couple just wants to wait.  Maybe they aren’t the type to have their children super close together.   [My parents had all of us with 3-5 years in between because that was how they wanted it to happen.  I personally loved the way they chose to do it, and don’t know why people may be discouraged of making a similar decision in 2021].

[On the contrary, please stop shaming people that DO want to have their children close together.  If they have 6 children and they’re all only 13 months apart – that was their call.  It may not be your thing – but it’s theirs. Maybe they’ve always dreamed of a large family and all of their children growing up together, close in age. Personal preference shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern, unless of course, the children aren’t being properly cared for.  And hey, if you’re the caretaker or the one paying the bills, you may have a point.  Otherwise, no].

But, back to what I was saying:  Or, maybe this couple tried for #2, but had a miscarriage they kept secret.

….Or, maybe this couple got pregnant easily the first time, but are experiencing infertility this time around.

……Maybe their baby has special needs, and they really want to focus in on their one child.  Maybe the medical bills and intervention has already been pretty overwhelming.

….Along those lines, maybe they feel like they cannot afford a second child just yet.  It’s reasonable for people to think about the financial aspect too, right?

…..Maybe the mom even developed some health issues after baby #1?  Hey, maybe she already had to have a hysterectomy that you don’t even know about?  Women aren’t made of steel though it may sometimes seem like it.

Or gasp…..maybe this couple only feels led to have ONE child.  OR….maybe they want to adopt next time, and are waiting to do so.  Maybe they even want to be a foster parent. So many possibilities, guys.

I think most people who say/ask this question genuinely mean well and probably don’t see anything wrong with they’re saying, but this is just my friendly reminder:  The “when” question is seldom smart to ask.  I suppose you may sometimes get an excited woman who will answer, “Oh, I’m planning to be pregnant in the next couple months again, and I cannot wait”…….but just remember assumptions can be harmful.

4)  “Oh you’re using formula?  I breastfed all of my children until they were 2, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way…. OR…..Breastmilk is so much better for our children.  They will be smarter because of it.  Breastfed kids are so much more advanced.” [ANY kind of shaming for moms who choose formula over breastmilk.  Breastfeeding benefits’ education, encouragement and awareness is one thing.  Putting someone down or making them feel like a “bad mom” is another].

And here’s the fourth one I’ve been through to some level.  I think a majority of us WISH we could give our children breastmilk.  It’s kind of ingrained in us.  With that said, I’m here to tell you that whether they are breastfed or formula-fed, what matters is that they are getting fed and growing. 

I have a now very healthy, thriving, happy and intelligent almost 2 year old that was only breastfed for………*drum-roll*……6 weeks.  I tried.  I really, really did.

Now, I don’t feel obligated to explain anything.  I just want to.  I want to share the very encouragement I WISH I read while I was going through this struggle. 

I’m doing this for my fellow women:  Looking back, I actually unfairly put myself under a lot of undue stress, because I thought I was “supposed to” according to the societal stigmas.  Even as a full-term baby, my girl was born at preemie size.  And then of course, they can lose a little weight those first couple days after birth.  (She did).  That first month was honestly a blur of stress, pressure and anxiety.  Oh, I had a great support system:  It was just my first time doing this, and I encountered so many hurdles I didn’t expect.

This tired mama also returned to her full-time work only 5 1/2 weeks after giving birth, by choice (I almost returned sooner, but my Dr. was the one who wasn’t ready).  She soon agreed.  So, there I was, already a balancing act.  Since I was 16 years old, this was the LONGEST work “break” I had in 20 years, and we all know, “maternity leave” is hardly a break.

What’s more?  So much more.  (I think I may do a separate blog on this one day).  But anyways, to sum it up in short, Clara had the milk protein sensitivity.  Her little cherry-sized tummy was sensitive.  I completely eliminated dairy (AND soy) from my diet.  Anyone who has ever done this knows how hard it is.  Dairy certainly isn’t impossible to eliminate, but to also completely eliminate soy wasn’t so easy.  I’m not a big processed food fan, but if it didn’t come from the ground or straight from the farm, even a bite of it was pretty much out for me.  Even seasonings or things you don’t readily expect had one or both ingredients in it.  I managed a few weeks on a plain meat, veggies and fruit type of diet, and ate the few soy/dairy free options out there, but it became apparent that Clara still wasn’t growing her best on breastmilk.  That’s not to mention other additional hurdles we had with it.  It wasn’t even just the sensitivity itself. It got to the point that when I went to the lactation consultant, she looked me in the eye and said, “Honey, I was formula-fed, and I’m doing great today.  It is reasonable for you to go that route.”  Clara’s pediatrician then reminded me that “how I was feeling” mattered too.

And there we had it.  I swallowed all of my pride. I had tried, and formula was our way.  Soon after making the switch, Clara began growing rapidly and finally graduated to newborn clothes, and then 0-3, and on and on.  Now like I said, she’s a healthy almost 24 pound toddler, without any food allergies or sensitivities, as far as we know.

So if anyone wants to shame the route I took, all I can say is, “Her thriving was/is so much more important to me than any societal pressures.”  It’s okay, moms.  It really is.  I decided I will NEVER put myself through this kind of pressure again.  If it works……great!  If it doesn’t….that’s okay too!  Thank God for formula!

*And I also sincerely want to add:  If all of your children were exclusively breastfed, I do think you should be very proud of that.  I know that’s a big accomplishment and requires so much time, effort, love and sacrifice!  I know of some moms who have balanced this task even with working outside the home – (having to pump on lunch breaks and going into the mother’s room, etc. I think that’s amazing, and I admire this balance more than I can put into words). 

However, my point:  Just know that our paths to raising our children cannot all be the same.  Just know that ignorance, arrogance or throwing around the “kids will be so much smarter,” comment isn’t helpful to the mom who cannot make it work.  And it may very well not even be a thing like science claims.  A couple of the smartest people I know just happened to also be formula-fed babies as well.  My husband was one of those stubborn babies, in fact.  [While we were going through the sensitivity struggle with Clara, I jokingly asked him if this “smarter” theory meant he could’ve been a rocket scientist instead of an attorney then?  I mean, getting through law school and passing the bar exam alone, takes some brains.  Let’s be honest]. 

What matters most of all, is that our children thrive and get to growing.  Whatever the reason a mother chooses not to breastfeed, respect it, and mind your own – cool? AND if she chooses to breastfeed long-term, applaud her for a great accomplishment!  Let’s encourage one another ladies!  It’s already difficult enough to be a woman, and nothing is worse than women tearing down their fellow women.

5)  Women should stay at home with their children /OR Women need to contribute outside the home.

To put it plain and simple, both statements are insensitive.  Again, the decisions people make for their families are ultimately up to them.  We live in a world of double standards, and the comments aren’t always easy to stomach.

Let’s start with “women should stay at home with their children”:  Hello.  It’s 2021.  We are the SAME society that pushes for EVERYONE to go to college.  The same college that brings debt.  The same debt that makes graduates feel like they need a high paying job to pay off debt.  So which is it, guys?  I think there are A LOT of women in this world who would love nothing more than to stay home with their babies full-time, but they feel that they need to keep contributing to the income.  Also, last time I checked, “living” is expensive, whether it’s maintaining homes, vehicles, putting food on the table or general bills.  Some of the same people telling the woman to stay home are likely some of the same people who pushed her into college to begin with.  You can’t always have BOTH.  Hey, maybe she didn’t even go to college and living is STILL too expensive.  Maybe she came into the marriage debt-free and still feels the need to work outside the home.

Maybe it’s not even really about finances.  Maybe this mother is just simply a career woman.  Maybe she’s known ever since she was a little girl that she wanted to be a mom AND a full-time employee.  Nothing wrong with that, right?  Maybe she’s always wanted to be a Doctor, a teacher, a lawyer, a secretary…..whatever it may be.  If she spent all of those years in medical school, isn’t it reasonable that she may want to continue to utilize her degree?  Maybe staying at home all day makes her stir crazy, and it’s just not the best thing for her personally. 

In some cases, maybe the wife has the higher paying job than the husband. Maybe they ultimately decide the dad should be the one to stay home.  That’s okay too, folks!  Maybe she is a passionate dentist, and he doesn’t have a particular passion besides maintaining the home and caring for his children.  Rather than pay for childcare, they decide to make him the stay-at-home parent. As long as he is contributing, that’s their business, right? 

Now, moving along to, “Women need to contribute outside the home.”  Again, how is this anyone’s business, except the couple’s?  I know probably an equal amount of moms who work outside the home, as I do mothers who stay home.  Both women have a hard job. 

I have a confession:  [I am currently doing BOTH!  Just to be real….it’s challenging, but it’s doable in my case.  I realize in some cases it may not be.  I work 8-4:30 Monday-Friday on my laptop from home, while caring for my daughter in between.  I’m very thankful I’m able to do both, and I give God all the glory.  Pack n’ plays and cartoons are where it’s at.  And don’t even get on my case about my child watching some TV so that I can get work done].  But my point is, I get it.  I get that moms want to be home and raise their babies, rather than put them in the care of someone else.  They shouldn’t be put down for it, as long as they come to an agreement with their husband that it’s doable.  Now, if the woman is a wild spender or has a huge history of debt and her poor husband is working 3 jobs just to keep up…..that’s another story.  God has certainly never meant for us to take advantage of our husbands.  However, a mom who is happily working at home, taking care of her babies, cooking, maintaining the home and being a reasonable steward?  She’s working, and she’s working hard.  Applaud her!  I tend to think a majority of women are kind of geared towards wanting to be home as we know this has been kind of a traditional role throughout history.  I just think not many feel they are able to do so in 2021. 

Whatever the case, a woman is contributing, whether she’s working in the home, working outside the home….and hopefully, in my case, of balancing both at once.

I could probably easily make this list a top 10, and hey, maybe if this goes over well, I will make a part 2.  For now though?  C’mon ladies.  Do not pick on each other’s relationship, baby and employment statuses.  How about we avoid the “catty gossip hours?”  Life has an interesting way of taking us in different directions than we expect.  Maybe what you’re picking on today could be tomorrow’s new battle for you?  Let us remember too, we cannot possibly understand what we ourselves have never walked through.

How about we build each other up, be careful about assumptions and offer encouragement every chance we get?  Would you like a part 2 of “things to never say to your fellow women?”  Share your thoughts in the comment section below!

When God Speaks Through A Border Collie

hollymarietong Encouragement , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment
When God Speaks Through A Border Collie

Almost 6 years ago, I made my way to a couple shelters to look at dogs.  It was Good Friday and my sister was persistent that we do so.  I reminded her that a dog is a huge responsibility and that we were just “looking.”  I insisted that we were not getting a dog just for the sake of getting a dog, and that I would only consider adopting one if I fell in love and experienced a true connection.

The first time I met Rosco, he looked depressed and withdrawn.  The other dogs around him were jumping, barking and trying to get our attention.  But, I found myself drawn to the quiet one.  He wanted my attention, but he was incredibly subtle about it.  It didn’t hurt that he was a 5 month old puppy and couldn’t get any cuter if he tried.  When I went to put him back in his cage after our acquaintance time, he didn’t want to go.  Even though he was shy about it, the connection was mutual.  He wanted me to be in his life, and I knew it. Still, I knew this was a big decision and didn’t want to make it on impulse.  In fact, I made myself drive away to “think about it.” Within an hour, I drove back to the Nashville Humane Association as quickly as I could, ran to the front desk and said I wanted to adopt “Herman.” I immediately renamed him “Rosco,” and the rest is history.

I never did find out much about his history before life with us.  I just knew his heart was hurting and that he was sad to be surrendered.  Though he let me pick him up and hung out near me in the beginning, he was pretty introverted in our early days.  I could tell I needed to earn his trust.

Over time, I noticed I was earning that trust I longed for.  It wasn’t long before he was jumping up on my bed and sleeping next to me.

[Rosco was before the days of Kyle and Clara].

We have quite a history together.  Prior to the year 2014 when my sister moved in, I was super independent.  I never really had to look after anyone, but me.  Between my sister and then Rosco, I finally felt like I was getting a taste of parenting.

The one thing I never did understand about Rosco early on was the fact that he could never seem to enjoy car rides like the average dog does.  I thought if we simply went on more car rides, he would grow more comfortable and trusting of them – but he never did.  Now, here we are years and years later, and his car ride anxieties remain.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that something negative clearly once happened to him on a car ride.  My best guess has always been that he remembers his car ride to the humane society where his previous owners left him and never returned.

Anyone who has a border collie understands what I’m about to say:  Their mind is said to be very similar to that of a toddler.  They are known to be incredibly smart, and they seemingly have a remarkable strong memory.  Their deep thinking disposition can be good and bad.  Unfortunately, Rosco spends A LOT of time in his head and forgets how to just be a dog.  He seldom understands how to be carefree. So many times I’ve wished he would just wag his tail and immediately accept every person and dog he meets without question, but I know that isn’t him.  If he’s scolded in any way, you can rest assured, he will hang on to that correction, until I say, “It’s okay, Buddy. ”  My words usually aren’t enough.  I often have to pet him and give him a treat to assure him that we are “good again.”  Many nights, he goes and lays in his bed located in our master bedroom and just hangs out by himself:  Likely overthinking life.  The mind is always going, and I see it when I look at him…..especially in the car.

Whether he goes on a short drive to the lake or a long car trip to Ohio, he tenses up, pants and is unable to enjoy the view around him.  His shedding gets even worse than it already is (and his normal shedding is already really bad), and he refuses to eat or drink anything unless the car is completely stopped.  I try to pet and encourage him.  I try to tell him we are just going to see his grandparents.  Over and over again I’ve said:  “Rosco, buddy.  I’m not taking you to the pound.  It’s been “x” amount of years now.  When are you going to trust me and realize I love you, and I’m keeping you?  You should know me by now.”

I found myself thinking about that today.  What is it going to take for him to trust me? He’s 6 1/2 years old, and he’s been with me for a majority of his life now.  Haven’t I proven myself?  Doesn’t he know my track record?  Can’t he just simply remember all of those car rides that ended well?  Why does he still think about the one that didn’t?  Why is that one time still his dominating thought pattern?  Why can he not just accept the treats and water I try giving him?  I’m trying to nourish his body on those road trips.  Why does he reject my help and instead choose fear?

But then, I sensed God turning it back to me.  Something along these lines was placed on my heart:  Sometimes you’re a lot like Rosco, Holly.  We’ve been together a long time now. I’ve proven my faithfulness to you over and over again.  Sometimes instead of rehearsing all of those past victories that you’ve experienced through me – you sometimes still find yourself thinking about the traumas and disappointments you’ve experienced instead.  At times, you’ve let the bad outweigh the good.  Sometimes you get so taken up with your fears and anxieties that you struggle to nourish your mind, body and soul with what I’ve already provided you with.  Sometimes you get so focused on the “what ifs” and what you’re afraid of that you forget to enjoy the view and the beauty around you.  Haven’t I shown you enough to where you too can sit back, take a deep breath, relax and take in the beauty around you?  Haven’t I shown you enough to where you too can “just be,” sometimes?  I said I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you, and I meant it.  I won’t take it back.  You are my child, and I want to continue to take care of you.  It’s time you believe me, my child.

…..And there it was.

Perhaps I have a standard for my dog that I myself cannot always meet. Perhaps he has learned to trust me in most areas, but has struggled to trust me with that one.  Maybe I’m a little like that too.  Maybe I give God most of the rooms of my house, but maybe I hold back on giving him that one area. Maybe one day, I’ll squash all my fears, remember His track record, trust him so much that I forget all my fears, sit back, completely relax and just enjoy the view.

Maybe one day, Rosco will do the same too.  In the meantime though, I’ll continue to give him grace, pet him, comfort him, offer him treats and water and dab anti-anxiety essential oil on him – because I love him, and it’s my job to care for him.  I’m not going anywhere, and I want to remind him of that promise even if he doesn’t always readily accept it.  I will continue to pursue him.  He is my fur child.  We are in this thing together.

Wow.  It’s true:  God can even speak through border collies.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  -Deuteronomy 31:6

6 Goal Setting Approaches in 2021: Vision, Consistency, Discipline & Accountability

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment
6 Goal Setting Approaches in 2021: Vision, Consistency, Discipline & Accountability

I have a confession:  I’m great at setting goals, but I’m not always great at following through.  What good is a goal if you don’t follow through?  The answer is, not any good, right?  So, why do so many of us (I’m not saying you), lack consistency and discipline in these areas?  Now, I’m not saying I get completely out of control or completely abandon my goals.  I am saying though that I have the habit of allowing old habits, thinking patterns and “busy work” to get in the way.  I can be bad about wasting time, saying “no,” scrolling through pointless social media posts and just simply being lazy.  Sometimes my focus simply isn’t good.  Some moments I can be the, “Oh hey! Look there’s a squirrel,” kind of girl.  The funny thing about my lazy and unfocused moments?  I’m not actually relaxed in them even if I’m sitting there with my feet up, because I’m mostly thinking of all I have left undone.  Wouldn’t it be easier to just get up and do what needs to be done?  I think so.

Now, that’s not to say that consistency and discipline is always as easy as it sounds.  Life gets in the way.  I know with me personally – I have dealt with some non-life-threatening physical health challenges this past year – some challenges that make me tired and cause my mind to shift at times.  Even so, I’m reminded that first having a healthy mindset is everything.  If I’m not spiritually and mentally healthy, it’s extra challenging to be physically healthy.  There are things I can change, but then there are things I cannot change.  Getting to know the difference has been an interesting learning experience to say the least.  And then, learning to plan after that, has been extra interesting.

However, I got just what I needed this weekend:  I received that much-needed “revelation push” after listening to our youth pastor speak yesterday.  The message is called, “Unfazed,” and I am linking it so that you have the chance to listen as well.  I cannot even possibly begin to give a summary of the message in a way that will do it justice. In short (and what inspired me to write this blog), Pastor Rob was talking about unmet goals and not getting to where we want to be in life.  He reminded us to not allow ourselves to go to a place of assuming God has forgotten us.  He spoke about how we can wear ourselves out while aiming at an unclear bullseye.  He suggested that maybe our targets are simply too vague.  Maybe we kind of sort of put a goal in place, but maybe the “what I want” isn’t really all that specific.  Maybe there needs to be more clarity attached to it. Maybe we don’t always know exactly what we are really aiming for.  That one hit me hard.

As an example, he was talking about a woman he knew that went from misery to a world-renowned speaker.  She used to be the type that would write out some goals, put them in her drawer and forget about them.  Subsequently, nothing ever changed. However, when she wrote down 4 or 5 very direct and specific goals she had in her life, and actually followed through:  It was life-changing for her.  Sure, I’ve written down goals before and somewhat follow through to some level…..but my ultimate goals tend to get lost in the shuffle.  The results are never quite was I hoping for.

So, I have made a decision.  Here is what I’m going to do going forward. Feel free to join me if you want to:

  1.  I already wrote down 5 goals that are important to me in the year 2021.  WRITING THEM DOWN is the first step.  For you, it may be 3 or 4 goals for the year.  It can differ from person to person. For me personally, these 5 goals are not over-the-top, difficult goals.  They are actually quite simple.  Without getting too personal, I’m going to say that these goals are faith, family, health, career and “to-do-list” related.  But I didn’t want to miss Pastor Rob’s point, so I got VERY specific on each one.  I wrote down everything from the goal of the number of “date nights” I want one-on-one with Kyle this year, to a realistic number of “creative playtime with Clara” that I want to aim for each day.  Under each “goal overview,” I made some very specific subpoints.  Example 1 for you could be:  Growing in my faith.  But then,  you have to ask yourself what growing in your faith looks like, and what it needs to consist of.  So maybe sub-point A) could say:  Give my first 15 minutes and last 15 minutes of my day to God.  (Yes, this is first on my list, in case you’re curious.  Pastor Rob and Pastor Jim have long taught this principle, and I believe it is truly life-changing and can determine everything).  B) may be:  Do the 52 week bible plan, or it could be, begin physically attending church regularly again, or it may be watch a live-stream every Wednesday night this year.  It could look different for different people.  Maybe you don’t need sub-points like me.  Maybe yours is straight to the point from the get-go.  Maybe it is is simply, “attend church every Sunday this year.”  Whatever works for you, do it. 
  2. Put your goals on display in a place where you will regularly look at them. It may be in your calendar….it may be on your mirror.  To keep it simple, you may want to two lists:  One with with your overviews and sub-points in your calendar or Bible, and then maybe your simple “straight-to-the-point” list on your mirror, so that you remember your “hierarchy of priorities,” and what doesn’t qualify to interrupt your day.  It could even read like, “Did I do something for ME today?”  “Did I give my children quality time and attention today?”  (Whatever works for you).
  3. Tell someone you trust about your goals for accountability purposes (this doesn’t mean you need to share every single personal detail if you’re not comfortable with that).  I have already provided my list to my mentor so that she can ask me how those goals are coming each time we talk.  In my case, I felt comfortable sharing pretty much everything on my mind.  We talk about 5 times a year, and it is one of the smartest decisions I ever made for myself.

     
  4. With that said, I suggest checking in with a mentor a few times a year.  Choose a mentor that you see as someone who is a couple steps ahead of you in life.  Look to someone successful whom you admire – someone you see as being disciplined and consistent in the way they live their life.  I see a mentor as being different than a friend:  I think of my mentor AS a friend, but I think of her as an unbiased outside source that will continually ask me the hard questions and help me spot blind spots.  My mentor isn’t someone I talk to every single day or even hang out with outside of our sessions…..and yet, I fully trust her and know she has my best interests at heart. Your ideal mentoring situation may look a little different than mine.

     
  5. Cross off goals and “to-do’s” as you achieve them, but remember some goals are not a “one-time” accomplishment – there are plenty of goals in my life that are continual daily goals, in which I must remain disciplined and consistent.  I imagine most of you may be able to say the same.

     
  6. Give yourself grace when you fall short, and then get back to work.  As the simple old saying goes, “When you fall off the horse, get back on.”  Our days can be unpredictable.  Unforeseen circumstances come up.  Remember that a little rearranging and an “off day” is okay.  Don’t allow one off day to dictate your days in the days ahead.  Do remember the fine line between an “off day” and suddenly just quitting and never going back to what you were doing though.  Remember having a flat tire certainly doesn’t mean you should slash the other 3.  Block out the negativity and the urge to quit.  Fix that flat tire…and move forward.  Consistently getting back up and remaining disciplined is what matters in the long-run.  Consistency is the key to victory. 

Now, to end, here are a few verses to encourage you on your 2021 goal setting (and achieving) journey:

2 Chronicles 15:7 “But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”

Proverbs 3:6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Proverbs 29:18 “Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, But happy is he who keeps the law.”  (Pastor Rob made this one the key verse of his teaching).

Habakkuk 2:2-3 “Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that whoever reads it may run with it.”  (He also shared this one)

Philippians 4:13 “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

With all of that said, happy goal setting, and may 2021 be your best year yet!

How have you been doing with your goal setting?  Have you been rockin’ that to-do list, or do you find yourself struggling (like me)?  For those of you who have reached the next level in the goal setting arena:  What are some principles, applications and disciplines that work for you?  What is some advice that you can give the rest of us? Please feel free to share your comments in the comment section below!

Musings of a Multi-tasking Mommy

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment
Musings of a Multi-tasking Mommy

In order to be a blogger of any value, I must be transparent.  I know how this works.  America is craving authenticity, so I am going to try to give you EVEN MORE of that from now on.  So, please allow me to reintroduce myself, and to welcome you to the musings of a multi-tasking mommy.

Hi.  I’m Holly Tong-Cokkinias.  My maiden name, as well as my married name puzzles everyone I meet.  I never get through explaining or spelling.  I am thankful for the perfect built-in ice breaker, however.  I’ve also always liked to be a little unique.  So, when it comes to last names – I’ve quite possibly hit the jackpot.  (Yes. I’m already thinking about the day I try to teach our daughter how to write her full name).

Photo by Kat Bradshaw

I am sometimes messy, and I truly hate it.  I am somewhat unorganized.  With that said, I am all the same obsessive about a clean, orderly house.  Go figure, right?  I love the idea of purging, yet I still somehow have way more in this house than I should.  Sometimes I feel like I’m going in circles and going no where fast.  I haven’t done anything to my hair in 3 days.  Needless to say, I currently only wear makeup once a week, on a good week.  I see zero point of wearing my contacts, unless I’m heading out for a special occasion or event.  My current work-from-home attire is usually pajamas for the first half of the day, before making the big transition to an oversized t-shirt and yoga pants.

I am a full-time mommy, and a full-time quality specialist in a legal realm.  I work both jobs, at the same time.  I also am one of those women who take on multiple side gigs.  Lately, I’ve realized I need to get my priorities in check, as my plate is starting to cave in.

BUT….how do you prioritize when everything seems like a priority?  Do you hear me, sister?

Right now, I’m looking at the dog hair on the floor that needs swept up, because I’ve been too busy to run the shark.  Yes, too busy to run our self-operating shark.  I mean, after all, you need to pick all of your cords and junk up off the floor, first.  And frankly, I haven’t found the 5 minutes to do it.  I could be doing that right now instead of writing this blog, but then, maybe my whole purpose would be defeated.  Last night, I loaded what I could into the dishwasher.  Still, the sink is full of dishes that need hand-washed.  I turned a blind eye last night, because Clara needed me more.

…..She’s growing up before my eyes, and I don’t want to miss these once-in-a-lifetime moments.  Every little step she takes (both literally and metaphorically) amazes me.  I’m still awestruck that I get to be her mommy.  She is everything I dreamed of, and so much more.

Soon, I will be starting my work day. I like to have that first hour or so to myself before Clara gets up.  The disadvantage of that?  If  I let her sleep too long into the morning, she will then subsequently decide we should have a play-a-thon at midnight.  Then, if we are sitting in the recliner together, I risk falling asleep before her……which results in a risk of broken glasses and pulled out hair.  (At least I awake to that little 8 tooth smile).  Still, I like that hour or two of serenity I get in the morning.  Now, to weigh the pros and cons.  It’s a balance.  A true balance.

Right before she gets up (or I wake her up), I get her scrambled eggs going.  I’ve been making myself eat an egg or two with her each morning, which is a big achievement for me.  She takes a LONG time to eat those eggs.  The pediatrician says she is at a self-feeding age.  But, would you like a strong dose of honesty?  I don’t have time to give her 3 showers a day, so I still do a lot of her feeding for her.  (You know, the old-fashioned way where mommy holds the spoon).  And have you seen her head of hair?  I don’t think ANYONE who has a daughter with as much hair as mine would advise self-feeding.  (Unless of course THEIR toddler LOVES the washing out shampoo process).  Oh, and no, I cannot just pull her hair back these days.  Let me stop you there.  She now takes it down as soon as I pull it up.  Remember “Cousin It?”  Enough said.

(But when I push her hair out of her face, I can still see this sweet little smile).

Okay, okay.  So, I let her self-feed here and there.  When it comes to her morning eggs though?  I will continue to be the feeder.  I have work to do.  When I place her in the pack n’ play to watch Veggie Tales….I’d rather her eggs only be in her belly, rather than all over her play station.  I guess maybe that makes me a bit of a “control freak.”  I also guess that according to the “American Association of Pediatrics,” that may make me some sort of a parenting failure.  I guess I was also supposed to start her on solid foods before 12 months as well, but I insist (not to their face of course), that I know my tot better than they do.  I knew my sensitive girl (who overcame a pretty intense milk protein sensitivity) was too much of a choker and a gagger for anything besides puree before 12 months.  I’m probably overprotective, but I won’t apologize for it either.  My motto is “better safe than sorry.”  So, here we are:  She loves her eggs, fruits and veggies, but she also loves Chick Fil-A, Italian and Mexican foods.  A girl after my own heart…

(In this birthday picture, she was most definitely not a fan of self-feeding.  Leave it to my child to not want to participate in the smash cake era).

Photo by Kelley Hartzfeld

Anyways….as she she slowly takes each and every little bite on those work mornings…..I sit by my laptop and make sure I don’t have any urgent assignments or e-mails coming in.  If I need to reply to an e-mail or research a case, I flip around my chair and do so.  In between, my neat little eater looks at me as if to say, “I’m waiting.”

That’s the thing.  Sometimes I feel like everyone is waiting on me for something.  What few know is I’ve been “waiting on me” for a good year now.  I’ve been waiting to feel really good and sort of like me again.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like this new mommy version of me, but I haven’t exactly liked the physical changes that have come with it.  No, I’m not trying to lose weight. Truthfully, “body image” is kind of the last thing on my mind right now. I’m currently trying to NOT lose any more weight than I already unintentionally did.

Let’s just say, I didn’t feel well for the longest span of time I’ve ever experienced this past year.  Now, not to worry.  My diagnosis is not life-threatening, but some days it can be a bit life-altering. Though they say it’s chronic, I feel myself getting better every day.  With an altered diet, the proper supplements and a ton of electrolytes, I am believing for God’s full healing.  I believe his promises are for ME and for YOU.  As the woman who grabbed the hem of Jesus’ garment and received healing, I am doing the same.  I truly believe my persistence will pay off.  This hasn’t been an easy ride alongside being a new mom, but little by little…..I’m getting there.

I can see some of you rolling your eyes.  I only have one child.  I know, I know.  Some of you are balancing 2, 3, 4, 5 and more.  Your hair and makeup look fabulous, as do your high heels. (I recently donated most of mine).  Your home looks like it belongs on Pinterest.  While mine has infinite potential, my decorating skills just don’t measure up.  I think you’re a superhero.

Now, I can honestly say I DO cook most of our meals at home, but don’t expect every single one of them to be super healthy every single night.  Though the husband is easy-going, he really likes hearty dinners.  Sometimes mama needs to pop in that frozen lasagna, and sometimes she really just wants a Chick Fil-A night.  (Yes, this is the second time I’ve brought up Chick Fil-A).  It’s all about balance and moderation, right?

And then, I’ve changed “socially.”  As a child, I was super shy.  Then, I became the super outgoing adult for a good decade of my life.  Now?  I’m still outgoing, but I’ve realized how introverted I really am.  Most of the time, I feel as if I’d rather be home……yet feel like I shouldn’t rather be home.  Does that make any sense?

Maybe I am an example of what happens when you become a mom in your mid-30’s and try to balance #momlife with your full-time work.  Or maybe, this is just who I am.

With that said, saying “no” is not one of my greatest strengths.  It’s a weak area for me.  While I’ve improved over the years, it’s still a struggle.  All in one breath I say “no” to my daughter, and then give in a second later. (Have you seen her face)?  Just wondering.

“No, we cannot read right now.  I need you to spend a few minutes in your pack n’ play while I get some work done.”

And then the tears start.

And then I pick her up.  How can I not?  There’s something about watching those little hands “pat the bunny,” pull back the lift-a-flaps, and turn each page one by one.  So, the house must wait.  After all, story time with her is a huge highlight for me.  If it brings both of us joy…..why not?

Maybe I have a long list of improvements I need to make.  Maybe I need to find that balance you’re supposed to have when you’re a working mom and wife.  But maybe, there isn’t such a thing as a balance.  Maybe “balance” is nothing more than a human-created opinion.

Just maybe, I’m actually doing pretty great….

My daughter smiles a lot and steadily gains weight.  From 5 1/2 pounds to 22, I like to think I’m doing something right.  In fact, sometimes she can (and does) eat more than me. She laughs when I play peek-a-boo and act like a total goof, and as just mentioned, cherishes our story time.  She enjoys her baths so much that she cries about getting out.  She likes my singing (she’s my only fan).  She always has clean clothes to wear, and she seems to like my cooking.  Best of all?  She already dances to praise and worship music.

My husband seems pretty dang content as well…..along with our dog who has been with me for 5 years now.

I was also very pleased with my recent workplace evaluation.  I give God all the glory.

Meanwhile, I still manage to keep up with my family and friends.  I even manage to make it to events and ministry assignments, whenever I can.

No matter how I feel in the mornings, I get up and log-in for work (and until March, I was getting up and driving to the office each day).  Maybe I’m in pajamas and sporting a messy bun these days, but does anyone really care just as long as you’re successfully serving those you’re being paid to serve?  Does it really matter if my floors currently need swept, and I have a few dishes in the sink?  Or does it matter most that those who are in my home are healthy and happy?

And sometimes life is hard….really hard.  Sometimes you just can’t have it all, all the time.  And maybe we aren’t supposed to.  Maybe that’s where faith comes in.  Maybe this is how we really recognize our need for Jesus:  When we allow him to be our strength….and when we give our shortfalls to Him.

As 2 Corinthians 12:10 says, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Maybe my multi-tasking is working out pretty well after all.  Maybe just maybe….I’m exactly right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to do, and being exactly who God wants me to be.

And maybe just maybe….I’m speaking to you too, Mommy.

5 Steps to Striving for Selflessness in a Self-Absorbed Society

hollymarietong Budgeting, dating, design, Encouragement, frugal living, Nashville Music, Personal Growth, single life, weddings, Women in Music , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
5 Steps to Striving for Selflessness in a Self-Absorbed Society

When I created this blog, I vowed to share selfless content that would be beneficial to all in some way, shape or form.  Have I fallen short at times?  YES.  Have I probably shared some useless facts about me that didn’t really inspire or encourage anyone?  I have no doubt.  Have I wasted my time and someone else’s once or twice with a post that lacked substance?  Sigh.  I’m sure I have.  (Sorry!)

So here’s the deal:  In 2020, everyone and their sister, is now a lifestyle blogger or YouTube star.  Sharing makeup, fashion advice and the latest Target finds are about as 2020 as COVID-19 and face masks.  I’m certainly not knocking this line of work, as obviously, *I* am one of them.  No, I’m not a YouTube star, with a big following (so don’t look me up).  However, I’m “somewhat” in the lifestyle blogging world on a minor level.  I’m a wife, mom, full-time legal assistant, and publicist.  After that?  I post on here if I’m able, though I’m dying to make it more of a priority.  But first, I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

Image by Anastasia Gepp from Pixabay

Please understand:  I didn’t create a blog to be trendy, or as an excuse to quit my day job.  I didn’t create a blog so we could just talk about outer appearance, though there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to look your best.  My goal has been to focus more on character, legacy, faith and eternity, while still enjoying the here and now.  To enjoy the here and now, we need to love our homes, which means practical living tips are also of course a huge plus.

Writing is my passion – it isn’t some new thing for me.  Writing to me is like breathing.  I don’t do it in the hopes that I can be cool or popular.  I do it, because I don’t know how not to. Therefore, I am always seeking God’s help, and looking for the best outlets to not just hone my craft – but to most importantly, inspire others.  But tell me:  How can I do that?

I recently read a post on in a Facebook “girl’s group” I’m in.  It really, really, got me thinking.  Really.

Someone asked the group, if they subscribe to bloggers and/or what kind of blogs they enjoy.  A lot of the respondents had a similar response/view of bloggers.  The discussion left me feeling a weird combo of motivation and defeat (if that’s even possible):

This short little “survey” revealed that a lot of our non-blogging female peers consider most bloggers to be self-absorbed.  They aren’t interested in reading about “her life.”  Though this wasn’t their exact words, I picked up on what they were saying.  In a nutshell, they are basically interested in reading about “their life.”  They want to read blogs that benefit them, not just the blogger:  They want to hear about DIY home cleaning recipes, and how to make their Grandma’s easy homemade marinara sauce.  The majority isn’t really all that interested in seeing what is in Ellie’s makeup bag, or viewing an outfit that they cannot afford.  They don’t care about HER vacation or HER wedding, that they cannot afford. However, they may find her discount/money-saving tips valuable.  They may benefit from some of  her DIY tips in general, whether that be household cleaners, makeup, baking, wedding planning or vacationing.  They just want to know that it isn’t all about Ellie.  They want to know “what’s in it for them.” 

Basically, what readers want is authenticity and selflessness.  They want practical tips they can do on their own.  They want affordable, and they want fairly simple.  They don’t want to read 2,000 words, or read a huge backstory on a recipe.  They are mainly looking for the ingredients, what to set their oven at, and the baking time.

Photo by Adelaide Street Media

I grasped these truths a LONG time ago and vowed to be different, yet I still find myself wondering EXACTLY what my readers are most interested in.  I also find myself struggling to not be overly wordy while I’m at it.  Some of my blog posts have been well on their way to becoming a book, so I’m guilty.

Here’s a startling confession though:  I had zero problems getting millions of views on my pop culture column I used to run.  But when I make a blog about faith, character and legacy, with some practical living tips mixed in?  It’s much harder.  No, it’s not about views.  If it becomes about “views” then it becomes about the self-absorbed issue I’m talking about.  Still, how can I REALLY reach people with the kind of beneficial content that matters?  To me, pop culture isn’t the way to do that.

With that said, I want to do better going forward, and I need YOUR help.  YES you.

I don’t want this blog to just be about Holly.  Holly is just the messenger.  I want to KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT TO KNOW!  I want you to sound off in the comment section below.

LET ME KNOW:  Are you enjoying the Interior Design posts?  What practical tips would you like to know about Interior Design?  With most of us being home more often, I feel like now is the time for more “home” posts.  I don’t believe there has been any time more important than now to love the space we call “home.”  Tell me if I’m wrong.

Photo by Dawn D. Totty Designs

Would you like to see more easy recipe posts?  Frugal living tips? More DIY organization posts?  DIY cleaners?  More faith and encouragement posts?  All of the above?  What else?  What benefits YOU?  What would make YOU want to subscribe to a blog?

And because I want to leave YOU with something beneficial today…………Here are 5 steps to being selfless in a self-absorbed world:

  1.  Ask people how they are, and TRULY wait to hear the answer.  Don’t just ask, “how are you?,” and walk on.  Doing so, shows routine and obligation….not care and sincerity.  Wait until they actually tell you how they are and respond to them.  Go a step further, and listen to what’s going on in their life, without feeling the need to immediately interject what is going on in yours.
  2. Be a person of your word:  If you say you’re going to do something….do it.  Man, oh man.  God has really convicted me about this one over the years. Admittedly, I’m a bit of a procrastinator.  I don’t “lie” to people, or break my word on purpose.  But if I tell someone we will get together soon, I want to mean it and follow through.  Even if my life gets busy, I want to keep my word.  If I tell someone I’m going to help them with something or make them a handmade gift….I don’t want the weeks to fly by.  I want to be an “over deliverer.”  When I look around, I think a lot of us get into a lazy mindset.  And dang it.  I’m one of them, sometimes!  My Pastor has taught me SO MUCH about this topic over the years….but he hasn’t just taught it.  He LIVES it, even though thousands of people attend our church.  He ALWAYS follows through.  He remembers what he tells people and does it.  If he can do it, so can we!  With that said, this tidbit, just reminded me I need to RSVP to a friend’s shower for an invite I received a couple weeks ago.  This is what I’m talking about, friends!  (Points at self).  Don’t be the person not to RSVP, because then, you just keep the host guessing on how much food and seating they need.  What’s even worse?  RSVP’ing with a “yes,” only to be a no-show.  What’s also bad?  To not RSVP, and then to show up when they weren’t expecting you.  What else?  Don’t be the person to walk out of someone’s wedding reception before the food is served, when you KNOW the bride’s parents already paid for your plate.  They paid for your spot, because they wanted YOU to have it.  They could’ve chosen someone else. Unless you have an emergency or something pretty major come up, it’s rude and disrespectful to just leave.  Everyone understands that unforeseen things come up….. but catch my drift?  (Again, I know I’ve been a hypocrite in the past on some of these concepts (such as RSVP), but I’m learning.  I’m trying).

    SONY DSC
  3. Do something nice for someone without ANY motive.  There doesn’t always have to be a payment from the other party, a barter, or a “deal worked out.”  What if every now and then we went out of our way and did something nice for someone, “just because?”  I’m going to go ahead and say, I think this one may be one of my strengths.  I feel like I do this one a lot.  In fact, sometimes I feel like I’ve taken this one a little over the top at times….but I’m sure in God’s eyes there have been times I could’ve done more, for every single time I think I may have “given too much.” At the end of the day, I’d rather give too much than too little.  But guys, seriously, sometimes we really should take off our “business, money-making, hat” for a minute.  Not everything has to be a huge contract with a signature on the line.  Every now and then, how about just doing something nice for someone….just because we wanted to bless them?  I’m not suggesting we let ourselves get “walked all over,” because we DO have bills to pay.  Many of us have businesses to run and jobs to do.  But still….there can be a balance.  What if you randomly brought someone their favorite coffee?  Wrote a letter of encouragement and sent it the old snail mail way?  What if you picked someone up from the airport and decide to turn down the $20 bill they offer you?
  4. If you have a good experience with someone’s service or business, write up a nice 5 star review for them. It only takes a couple minutes.  Why not?  If you yourself have a service or business, you know you would like the kind reviews too.  What’s more?  You could even share their page, or promote their posts on YOUR social media page.  If our pages are ONLY full of selfies and/or our latest accolades, perhaps we need to reexamine.  We can spare and share a spot for others sometimes too, right?

    Photo by Dawn D. Totty Designs
  5. Allow yourself to be inconvenienced every now and then.  This kind of goes along with #3, but can be all its own in some ways too.  My Pastor talks about this point a lot as well.  He teaches us that we should walk through crowds slowly, and pay attention to the needs of those around us.  Maybe the LAST thing I want to do on a Saturday night is give someone a ride 30 minutes across town, but just maybe, sometimes I should.  Maybe on that 30 minute ride, I’ll be able to give them encouragement.  Maybe they will get out of my car blessed and inspired.  Maybe sometimes we should lighten a co-worker’s load…..just because we can.  Maybe sometimes we should talk to that sweet elderly woman at the grocery for 15 minutes…..just because we can.  Maybe she needs your company more than you need to get home and cook dinner.  Allowing yourself to be inconvenienced every now and then is perhaps the unofficial definition of “selflessness.”

    Image by Rebecca Matthews from Pixabay

So there you have it.  The bottom line is, everyone is craving authenticity and selflessness.  People love to see kindness without motive.  Yes, the world craves “love,” as it is always said…..but without authenticity and selflessness, love isn’t genuine.  It doesn’t exist.  Love is easy.  True selflessness requires more effort.  No matter what our schedule or career path is, every day we have a chance to be an example of  “selflessness.”

I’d love hear your thoughts on all of the above:  Sound off in the comment section below!

Dawn D. Totty Reveals “Mystery Makeover” of Children’s Advocacy Center

hollymarietong design, Encouragement , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment
Dawn D. Totty Reveals “Mystery Makeover” of Children’s Advocacy Center

There are good causes in the world…..and there are exceptional causes in the world:  Even in the exceptional category, the Children’s Advocacy Center stands as second to none.

With that said, I am honored to be able to reveal interior designer, Dawn D. Totty’s “mystery makeover” of the CAC, which is located in Jasper, TN.

The facility had the award-winning designer’s attention, as soon as she learned of it.

“In a nutshell, I found out about this facility and it really weighed on my heart to elevate and beautify the space, so that it would be much more child friendly and welcoming.  I set up a meeting with Gene Hargis (Chief Detective of Marion Co.).  I went in for our meeting, offered to waive my service fees and to do my own fundraising. He jumped at the opportunity,” reflected Totty.

When she entered the center, she observed dark gray outdoor carpet from wall to wall, along with brown walls.  There were multiple fluorescent light fixtures and four large conference tables in the main area.  Her wheels were already turning.

As this project is so near and dear to her heart, Totty spent five months doing exactly as she said she would do. Through her own fundraising efforts, she was able to raise $24,000 for the project.  With services combined, it was $50,000 redesign.

She strived to create a center that would be both comforting and uplifting, as those who enter need a safe place of healing.  Time and time again, it was confirmed that God had orchestrated the project.

Dawn was also able to recruit some fantastic artists, donors and general helpers to make her vision come to life.  Day after day, the center continued to transform into a brighter, friendlier, more calming space.

Through a generous variety of donations, Dawn’s design skills, and other helping hands, the vision has been achieved.

“Designing and being project manager for the CAC has taught me a multitude of lessons – particularly lessons in human nature.  I’ve learned that generally people are kind and generous. When people heard about these hurting children, they were happy to assist me in so many ways – they volunteered their time and monetary donations,” she continued.

After five months of hard work, Dawn revealed the makeover to the CAC staff.  As one might guess, they were blown away.

Now, Dawn and the CAC crew look forward to the big grand opening event which will take place at the Center on Friday, May 29.

Even as she goes forward and returns to her usual work, the CAC project will remain in her heart and mind.

“Everyone was a child once.  Some have had a beautiful, childhood experience, but others have not. My main objective is in some small way to restore some joy for these sweet children – joy that has been lost through abuse.  Creating a calm and happy healing environment is a good place to start.  This is the biggest and most important project I’ve ever completed in my career since the day I started working at 16 years old.  Designing the CAC will forever be in my heart.” concludes Dawn.

About the Children’s Advocacy Center:  The CAC which has been in local operation for 4 years serves severely abused children, both male and female, from the ages of 2-18. Children from Jasper, as well as surrounding Middle TN areas come to the non-profit center as a safe place for counseling and healing.  It is comprised of several board members, along with Gina Presto (President), Gene Hargis (Chief Detective of Marion Co.) and Kathie Tierney (Jasper Chamber of Commerce President), leading the organization.

************************************************************************

About Dawn D. Totty of Dawn D. Totty Designs:

Dawn D. Totty is an innovative Interior Designer focused on service, customization, enhancing property value and affordably designing spaces to reach their full potential.  Whether a home or business renovation, she has been successfully meeting individual needs and bringing personal visions to life, everywhere she goes.  As a self-described “problem solver,” Totty consistently saves her clients time and money, while reflecting their personal styles at affordable rates.  With a background which began in the New York Fashion industry, Totty has been designing people, places and spaces for 23 years.

In the past year, Dawn’s designs have been featured in over 50 publications, including House Beautiful, Realtor.com, Reader’s Digest, City Scope, Chatter (Times Free Press), Stir Magazine (Sherwin Williams) Vie Magazine, American Farmhouse, and Contemporary Stone + Tile DESIGN. Most recently, Dawn was named the “Best Interior Designer” in Chattanooga’s 2019 “Best of the best” awards.

To keep up with Dawn D. Totty of Dawn D. Totty Designs, “like” her Facebook page and follow her on Instagram.

When God Says “No”

hollymarietong dating, Encouragement, Personal Growth, single life , , , , 0 Comment
When God Says “No”

“Just because he doesn’t answer…..doesn’t mean he don’t care.  Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

Yes, I  just quoted some lyrics to a Garth Brooks hit.  To start, Garth is one of my favorite singers of all time.  I also love the idea behind the “Unanswered Prayers” song and always have.  In fact, for many years, it was like an anthem in my life.  I think it is a very well-intended song, and I get what the message is at the core. (The man in the song winds up thankful that he didn’t end up with his high school flame).  When he runs into her later in life, he’s so glad he ended up with his wife instead.  He thanks the good Lord for not giving him what he wanted all those years ago).  I do relate.

In my own world, I’m very thankful God didn’t say “yes” to any of the men I met prior to Kyle.  Some of them were great guys with incredible families, but we just weren’t right for each other in the long run.  Therefore, I’m thankful that they also found the one who was better suited for them.

Others…..well, I’ll just be nice and say, I was spared of a lot of heartache.  Disaster would have been certain.  However, I root for ALL of them. With all of that said, I’m glad that I ended up with Kyle instead of someone else, and that God knew what was better for me far better than I knew what was better for me.

Now, hear me out for a bit.  After many years of investing in my relationship with the Lord and trying to get to know him on a deeper level, I don’t believe “unanswered prayers” is the correct term here.   I believe God answers ALL of our prayers – just not always in the way we expect, or think we want at the time.

I believe a “no” is still an answer to prayer, because when he gives us a “no,” he’s doing so to protect us in some way.  Always answering “yes” would be him agreeing to “our will” instead of his own.

It’s like I said in my “Chick Flicks Lie” book back in 2014 (to paraphrase), when God doesn’t give us what we want, he is either “saving us from something…..or for something.”

And let me tell you – he has saved me so many times.  So many more times than I could ever deserve.  I can look back and see different times when he both saved me from something…..and for something.

…..Because he always knew when a “yes” would destroy my walk, or his purpose for me.  He always knew when a “yes” would bring me financial ruin.  He always knew when a “yes” would keep from living my best life.  He always knew when a “yes” would keep from meeting the right man for me.  He always knew when a “yes” could wind up bringing me stress and heartbreak.  He always, always knew….and he always, always answered.

Today, I know, a combination of his “yesses” his “nos,” and his “not yets” are what has brought me to this happier, more peaceful time in my life.

I believe we need to make a habit of thanking him for ALL of his answers, whatever they may be, because he is the one who sees the big picture.  We only see one step at a time.  Our heavenly father sees the whole staircase.

This is why Proverbs 3:5-6 remains one of  my favorite verses:

Proverbs 3:5-6 

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

The other day, I had yet another revelation in this area.  Though I won’t get into all of the details, almost 4 years ago, I was determined to make a major change in my life.  In “MY” understanding, this change made perfect sense.  There was a door that appeared to be open, and I was so desperate for change that I tried to walk through that door.  I was relying on my own logic instead of on Him.

It looked like I was going to “get” what I thought I wanted…….but God firmly said, “no.”  

When he said “no,” I was honestly confused.  I must admit that even my ego was a bit bruised, and I try not to have an ego.

I suddenly felt inadequate and like I was no longer “at the top of my game.”  It brought me down a few notches and made me question myself.  It certainly humbled me to say the least.  Looking back though, I clearly remember never actually feeling at “peace” about that transition.  Oddly, a part of me was almost glad the door slammed shut.  It’s very difficult to explain the mix of emotions.

During that frustrating time, I was also seeing someone who was completely wrong for me.  I knew deep down he was wrong for me.  However, he was persistent, and I had developed a “whatever” attitude about that area of my life.  He lived life on the road, and I found myself figuratively going down the same road I had already been on one too many times. I resented the road I was on, yet I was on it all the same.

I was tired….so tired.

I was too tired to notice that God had recently introduced me to my future husband.  He was disguised as a new co-worker.  Someone I just kind of thought would be a new acquaintance who I would see in passing from time to time.

I was too tired to notice that the Lord was busy moving mountains in my life.  It just “appeared” that nothing was happening.

I was too tired to notice that he was saying “no” to that one opportunity, because he was instead bringing me to a much greater “yes.”

I was too tired to notice that if he had agreed to “my will,” NONE of my beautiful future (the now) would have been possible.  Me getting my way would have resulted in ruin on many levels.

Now, fast forward…..here we are in 2019.  I said “yes” to that co-worker, and we have now been married for 2 years.  Our relationship is the polar opposite of any and all past relationships I had.  God knew I needed the opposite.  I would say I now also have the daughter I’ve always dreamed of, but honestly, she’s even greater than I could have imagined.

Jesus Christ remains the foundation of my life – and with him as the foundation, I experience stability and peace each day.  Life isn’t always easy, but I always know he has my back.

Now, here is the kicker:  Just the other day, another huge reason for that “no” he gave me four years ago was revealed.  Again, I won’t get into the specifics and the whys, but let’s just say, hindsight is 20/20.

Sometimes, we don’t necessarily get to see the reason for the “no”…..but sometimes (like in this case), the reason winds up being revealed in big, bold, flashing, neon lights.

If he had said “yes,” instead of “no,” not only would I not have Kyle and Clara today, but I would have had the rug completed yanked out from under me in SO many other areas.  I likely would have been stressed beyond measure and felt my world crumbling in all areas.  Just thinking of all the ways my life almost went in the wrong direction made me anxious.

I pictured myself trying to keep up my home on my own. I pictured foreclosure.  I pictured myself jobless and crying about broken dreams.  I pictured myself in great distress and having no idea where to go from there.  I tried to picture life without Kyle, Clara and the amazing family I married into…..and I just couldn’t.  I didn’t want to.

….Thankfully I was able to shut off that depressing “short film,” and thank the Lord for his “no” four years ago. I was able to smile about where I am now.  Because He is the Lord of my life, “He saved me from something and for something,” just like he has so many times before.

He did answer my prayer.  He always has and always will.

Sometimes we just have to stop and thank Him for his “no’s,”.……because sometimes, his no’s are the greatest answer to prayer of all.

You Are More Than “Just”

hollymarietong Encouragement , , , , , 0 Comment

Most days are just ordinary days (or so we think).  I don’t necessarily have grand revelations or significant events to speak of on those days.  Life-defining moments typically only happen here and there…..but today, the Lord keeps laying the simple word of “just” on my heart.  I can think of not just ONE, but three times he has used the word “just” in my life today.

First of all, I was reading a post on Facebook that got me thinking.  A friend was talking about what her aging horse meant to her, and someone replied something along the lines of a horse is so much more than “just a horse.” Her comment is what got the ball rolling for me today.

Though I’ve never owned a horse, I would absolutely agree with that statement.  It drives me CRAZY when someone calls a dog “just a dog.”  To me, there is no such thing as “just a dog.”  Our dog is a family member.  He was here before my husband and daughter joined me.  Now that we have a daughter, I try to ensure him every day that he is still just as loved now as he was then.  Even as our lives have changed, he is always there:  Always there to lay next to me when I’m sick, when I’m sad, when I’m having a bad day…or just because. On the days I feel like a failure, he looks at me like I’m absolutely everything. His heart and intelligence is like that of a toddler.  He taught (and still teaches me so much about life), but that is another blog in itself.  With that said:  When referring to a person or a furry family member, please never say the word “just” to me.

Then, my mom and I had a conversation about life and goals today.  We got to talking about the housewife life and how she stayed home with us when we were growing up.  I told her she was so many things to us and that the term “just a housewife” drives me crazy, because there really is no such thing as “just” a housewife.  She was and is a mom.  A cook.  A counselor.  A mentor.  A teacher.  A leader.  A seamstress.  A housekeeper.  A repair lady.  A bookkeeper.  A hairstylist.  A tutor. A nurse.  A chauffeur.  A cheerleader. A 24/7 friend…….to 4 children at one time.

Lastly, I was watching a sitcom that likely isn’t new to many of you, but is new to me.  (I tend to discover all the cool shows on netflix way after their prime).  “The Middle” is a good show to demonstrate my point even further.  Today, I was watching an episode where a hardcore motivational consultant tries to whip Middle America mom/failing car saleswoman Frankie into shape.  Frankie doesn’t value herself and sees herself as “just a mom.”  The consultant challenges and inspires her to realize she isn’t “just”…..she is everything and can do anything.

At this point, I’m thinking, “Okay.  I get it.  Time for a blog.”

So here we are, friends.

It’s time to eliminate “just” when speaking about ourselves and other people…

You aren’t “just a mom.”

“Just a housewife.”

“Just a customer service representative.”

“Just a laborer.”

You are MORE.

It’s time to eliminate “just” when talking about our jobs, goals and career ambitions.  Your dream doesn’t have to be “just a dream.”

“Just” limits us, undermines and disappoints.  “Just” holds us hostage and keeps us from setting goals.

“Just” is a defeating and discouraging word in far too many cases.

God didn’t create you to be “just this” or “just that.”

We are eternal beings with individual purposes.  While your current job or season may feel boring, mundane, and limiting, it still doesn’t change the fact that you were created for a purpose that ONLY YOU can do.

The thing about life is we never get to see the big picture and the start to finish all at once.  We only get to see it one step at a time.  We see where we are and where we’ve been.  We have hopes and plans of where we want to go, but our hopes and plans remain hopes and plans, until the future becomes the present.

But maybe….just maybe….we need to start viewing “just” a little differently.

What looks like a “just”….just may be what is leading you to your big break.

What looks like a “just”…just may be exactly what you are looking for.

What looks like a “just”….just may be the way that you meet your future spouse.

What looks like a “just”….just may be a beautiful forever friendship.

What looks like a “just”….just may make someone’s day.

What looks like a “just”…just may change someone’s life.

What looks like “just an ending”…..just may be a beginning.

Lose the “just” when it contains a negative connotation.  

See the beauty and the value in what appears to be “just a normal day.”

Recognize the potential and the growth in what appears to be “just a job.”

Remember the goals you set and the desires God has placed in your heart whenever you think you are “just a housewife,” “just a mom,” or “just a laborer.”

“Just” is what happens when we limit ourselves, other people and opportunities.

“More” is what happens when we continue to dream, work hard and believe that we serve a limitless God.

Lose the “just.”  Look for the “more.”

You Were Made For More: The Unpopular Truth (Part 1)

hollymarietong Encouragement, Personal Growth , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment
You Were Made For More: The Unpopular Truth (Part 1)

As we draw closer and closer to Christmas, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.  Among the topics I’ve been thinking about, God keeps reminding me, “You Were Made For More.”  Over and over again….those words have been on my heart.

As we look at this day, this hour, and the spiritual condition of the world we’re living in, there isn’t any doubt in my mind that God wants to be heard.  I believe, “you were made for more” is something he wants all of us to hear right now.  “You were made for more” comes packed full of meaning for me.  To me, he’s partially reminding us that there is so much ahead that we cannot see.  We were made for so much more than our short, temporary lives here on earth.  We are eternal beings, and as the Bible clearly shows, our real lives begin after this one is through.  I also believe we were made for so much more than just the mundane and just for mere existence.  God is too big and too good to simply create anyone for mere existence, or to just simply hang out and “suffer.” It’s easy to get caught up in a routine, but God is way too powerful and loving to simply just be a “routine God.”  We aren’t here to just simply pay bills, push paperwork, mop the floors and to go through the motions.  While how we handle those responsibilities matters greatly to the Lord, he didn’t put us here just for that.  Our lives have purpose….a purpose far greater than any of us can fathom.

We were made to learn his word, to live it out and to teach it.  We were made to be lights and beacons of hope.  We were made to help rescue others from their oppression, to bring smiles to the hurting and to be the friend someone is praying for right now.  We were made to deliver the good news….the news of the deliverer. We were made to lead others to Christ, and to lovingly warn others of oncoming danger.  We were made to encourage, to love, to give, to advise and to shine for Him.  We were made to utilize our gifts, and to solve problems that only we can solve.  We are unique….we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  (Psalm 139:14)

God only made ONE of YOU for a reason.  Though we may not ever fully understand all of the reasons for our personal existence, it’s up to us to live like we were made for more anyway.  As we rest on that fact, trust him, and go where he sends us, he will beautifully reveal purpose, reason and plans along the way. (Look up Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 3:5-6, Proverbs 19:21, 1 Peter 2:21, 1 Thessalonians 4:7).

Sooooooo…..

Today….whether you were feel like you’re in a valley or on a mountaintop…..you were made for more.

Whether you feel like a hero or a zero…..you were made for more.

Whether you’ve said the right things or the wrong things this week……you were made for more.

Whether you feel completely healthy or completely ill today….you were made for more.

Whether you know where life is heading or you haven’t a clue…..you were made for more.

Whether you’re wealthy or whether you’re poor…..you were made for more.

Whether you’re a top of the totem pole CEO or a stay-at-home mom…..you were made for more.

Whether you have the best relationships or whether you’re doubting some of them….you were made for more.

Whether you live in a shack or the mansion on the hill…..you were made for more.

What got me here today?  I’ve been thinking about how often we sell ourselves short, all while being the children of a limitless God.

I’ve been thinking about something even worse than that though:  How often we sell God short.  How we underestimate our Lord and what he can do.

Then, I’ve been thinking about how we settle for less in life.  How we give up too easily.  How we fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  How we sometimes wrongly believe he’s the source of our pain, when in actuality, he’s the SOLUTION.  How we refuse to see the truths that are so boldly in front of us.

………And still, WE WERE MADE FOR MORE.

There’s life beyond our struggles.  There’s hope beyond our doubts.  There’s a strength beyond our own.  There’s purpose beyond our comprehension.

You’re not here to simply just exist.  You’re not here to be just a number or statistic.  You’re not here to be just another story.

You were made to serve the most high.  You were made to live, love, think and to be more like Jesus. You were made to make a significant difference in this hurting world.  You were made for a Christ-centered purpose…made for a mission….and made to have vision.

Stay tuned for more of my blog series:  “You Were Made For More.”  Until then….I hope you’ll choose to walk in that truth today and in the days ahead.