authenticity

In order to be a blogger of any value, I must be transparent.  I know how this works.  America is craving authenticity, so I am going to try to give you EVEN MORE of that from now on.  So, please allow me to reintroduce myself, and to welcome you to the musings of a multi-tasking mommy.

Hi.  I’m Holly Tong-Cokkinias.  My maiden name, as well as my married name puzzles everyone I meet.  I never get through explaining or spelling.  I am thankful for the perfect built-in ice breaker, however.  I’ve also always liked to be a little unique.  So, when it comes to last names – I’ve quite possibly hit the jackpot.  (Yes. I’m already thinking about the day I try to teach our daughter how to write her full name).

I am sometimes messy, and I truly hate it.  I am somewhat unorganized.  With that said, I am all the same obsessive about a clean, orderly house.  Go figure, right?  I love the idea of purging, yet I still somehow have way more in this house than I should.  Sometimes I feel like I’m going in circles and going no where fast.  I haven’t done anything to my hair in 3 days.  Needless to say, I currently only wear makeup once a week, on a good week.  I see zero point of wearing my contacts, unless I’m heading out for a special occasion or event.  My current work-from-home attire is usually pajamas for the first half of the day, before making the big transition to an oversized t-shirt and yoga pants.

I am a full-time mommy, and a full-time quality specialist in a legal realm.  I work both jobs, at the same time.  I also am one of those women who take on multiple side gigs.  Lately, I’ve realized I need to get my priorities in check, as my plate is starting to cave in.

BUT….how do you prioritize when everything seems like a priority?  Do you hear me, sister?

Right now, I’m looking at the dog hair on the floor that needs swept up, because I’ve been too busy to run the shark.  Yes, too busy to run our self-operating shark.  I mean, after all, you need to pick all of your cords and junk up off the floor, first.  And frankly, I haven’t found the 5 minutes to do it.  I could be doing that right now instead of writing this blog, but then, maybe my whole purpose would be defeated.  Last night, I loaded what I could into the dishwasher.  Still, the sink is full of dishes that need hand-washed.  I turned a blind eye last night, because Clara needed me more.

…..She’s growing up before my eyes, and I don’t want to miss these once-in-a-lifetime moments.  Every little step she takes (both literally and metaphorically) amazes me.  I’m still awestruck that I get to be her mommy.  She is everything I dreamed of, and so much more.

Soon, I will be starting my work day. I like to have that first hour or so to myself before Clara gets up.  The disadvantage of that?  If  I let her sleep too long into the morning, she will then subsequently decide we should have a play-a-thon at midnight.  Then, if we are sitting in the recliner together, I risk falling asleep before her……which results in a risk of broken glasses and pulled out hair.  (At least I awake to that little 8 tooth smile).  Still, I like that hour or two of serenity I get in the morning.  Now, to weigh the pros and cons.  It’s a balance.  A true balance.

Right before she gets up (or I wake her up), I get her scrambled eggs going.  I’ve been making myself eat an egg or two with her each morning, which is a big achievement for me.  She takes a LONG time to eat those eggs.  The pediatrician says she is at a self-feeding age.  But, would you like a strong dose of honesty?  I don’t have time to give her 3 showers a day, so I still do a lot of her feeding for her.  (You know, the old-fashioned way where mommy holds the spoon).  And have you seen her head of hair?  I don’t think ANYONE who has a daughter with as much hair as mine would advise self-feeding.  (Unless of course THEIR toddler LOVES the washing out shampoo process).  Oh, and no, I cannot just pull her hair back these days.  Let me stop you there.  She now takes it down as soon as I pull it up.  Remember “Cousin It?”  Enough said.

(But when I push her hair out of her face, I can still see this sweet little smile).

Okay, okay.  So, I let her self-feed here and there.  When it comes to her morning eggs though?  I will continue to be the feeder.  I have work to do.  When I place her in the pack n’ play to watch Veggie Tales….I’d rather her eggs only be in her belly, rather than all over her play station.  I guess maybe that makes me a bit of a “control freak.”  I also guess that according to the “American Association of Pediatrics,” that may make me some sort of a parenting failure.  I guess I was also supposed to start her on solid foods before 12 months as well, but I insist (not to their face of course), that I know my tot better than they do.  I knew my sensitive girl (who overcame a pretty intense milk protein sensitivity) was too much of a choker and a gagger for anything besides puree before 12 months.  I’m probably overprotective, but I won’t apologize for it either.  My motto is “better safe than sorry.”  So, here we are:  She loves her eggs, fruits and veggies, but she also loves Chick Fil-A, Italian and Mexican foods.  A girl after my own heart…

(In this birthday picture, she was most definitely not a fan of self-feeding.  Leave it to my child to not want to participate in the smash cake era).

Anyways….as she she slowly takes each and every little bite on those work mornings…..I sit by my laptop and make sure I don’t have any urgent assignments or e-mails coming in.  If I need to reply to an e-mail or research a case, I flip around my chair and do so.  In between, my neat little eater looks at me as if to say, “I’m waiting.”

That’s the thing.  Sometimes I feel like everyone is waiting on me for something.  What few know is I’ve been “waiting on me” for a good year now.  I’ve been waiting to feel really good and sort of like me again.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like this new mommy version of me, but I haven’t exactly liked the physical changes that have come with it.  No, I’m not trying to lose weight. Truthfully, “body image” is kind of the last thing on my mind right now. I’m currently trying to NOT lose any more weight than I already unintentionally did.

Let’s just say, I didn’t feel well for the longest span of time I’ve ever experienced this past year.  Now, not to worry.  My diagnosis is not life-threatening, but some days it can be a bit life-altering. Though they say it’s chronic, I feel myself getting better every day.  With an altered diet, the proper supplements and a ton of electrolytes, I am believing for God’s full healing.  I believe his promises are for ME and for YOU.  As the woman who grabbed the hem of Jesus’ garment and received healing, I am doing the same.  I truly believe my persistence will pay off.  This hasn’t been an easy ride alongside being a new mom, but little by little…..I’m getting there.

I can see some of you rolling your eyes.  I only have one child.  I know, I know.  Some of you are balancing 2, 3, 4, 5 and more.  Your hair and makeup look fabulous, as do your high heels. (I recently donated most of mine).  Your home looks like it belongs on Pinterest.  While mine has infinite potential, my decorating skills just don’t measure up.  I think you’re a superhero.

Now, I can honestly say I DO cook most of our meals at home, but don’t expect every single one of them to be super healthy every single night.  Though the husband is easy-going, he really likes hearty dinners.  Sometimes mama needs to pop in that frozen lasagna, and sometimes she really just wants a Chick Fil-A night.  (Yes, this is the second time I’ve brought up Chick Fil-A).  It’s all about balance and moderation, right?

And then, I’ve changed “socially.”  As a child, I was super shy.  Then, I became the super outgoing adult for a good decade of my life.  Now?  I’m still outgoing, but I’ve realized how introverted I really am.  Most of the time, I feel as if I’d rather be home……yet feel like I shouldn’t rather be home.  Does that make any sense?

Maybe I am an example of what happens when you become a mom in your mid-30’s and try to balance #momlife with your full-time work.  Or maybe, this is just who I am.

With that said, saying “no” is not one of my greatest strengths.  It’s a weak area for me.  While I’ve improved over the years, it’s still a struggle.  All in one breath I say “no” to my daughter, and then give in a second later. (Have you seen her face)?  Just wondering.

“No, we cannot read right now.  I need you to spend a few minutes in your pack n’ play while I get some work done.”

And then the tears start.

And then I pick her up.  How can I not?  There’s something about watching those little hands “pat the bunny,” pull back the lift-a-flaps, and turn each page one by one.  So, the house must wait.  After all, story time with her is a huge highlight for me.  If it brings both of us joy…..why not?

Maybe I have a long list of improvements I need to make.  Maybe I need to find that balance you’re supposed to have when you’re a working mom and wife.  But maybe, there isn’t such a thing as a balance.  Maybe “balance” is nothing more than a human-created opinion.

Just maybe, I’m actually doing pretty great….

My daughter smiles a lot and steadily gains weight.  From 5 1/2 pounds to 22, I like to think I’m doing something right.  In fact, sometimes she can (and does) eat more than me. She laughs when I play peek-a-boo and act like a total goof, and as just mentioned, cherishes our story time.  She enjoys her baths so much that she cries about getting out.  She likes my singing (she’s my only fan).  She always has clean clothes to wear, and she seems to like my cooking.  Best of all?  She already dances to praise and worship music.

My husband seems pretty dang content as well…..along with our dog who has been with me for 5 years now.

I was also very pleased with my recent workplace evaluation.  I give God all the glory.

Meanwhile, I still manage to keep up with my family and friends.  I even manage to make it to events and ministry assignments, whenever I can.

No matter how I feel in the mornings, I get up and log-in for work (and until March, I was getting up and driving to the office each day).  Maybe I’m in pajamas and sporting a messy bun these days, but does anyone really care just as long as you’re successfully serving those you’re being paid to serve?  Does it really matter if my floors currently need swept, and I have a few dishes in the sink?  Or does it matter most that those who are in my home are healthy and happy?

And sometimes life is hard….really hard.  Sometimes you just can’t have it all, all the time.  And maybe we aren’t supposed to.  Maybe that’s where faith comes in.  Maybe this is how we really recognize our need for Jesus:  When we allow him to be our strength….and when we give our shortfalls to Him.

As 2 Corinthians 12:10 says, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Maybe my multi-tasking is working out pretty well after all.  Maybe just maybe….I’m exactly right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to do, and being exactly who God wants me to be.

And maybe just maybe….I’m speaking to you too, Mommy.