single life

5 Things To Never Say To Your Fellow Women

hollymarietong Encouragement, single life , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 0 Comment
5 Things To Never Say To Your Fellow Women

First of all, I am going to admit I’ve said things I wish I could take back.  Haven’t we all?  Sometimes we just simply don’t realize our words are irritating, hurtful, or could even wrongly be perceived as backhanded.  We all fall short sometimes, right?  Right.  Soo….if you read this post and think, “Oh no!  I think I’ve said something similar to Holly once.” No need to fret, because most of those who have said something that rubbed me wrong probably don’t even see my blog posts.  

However, I’ve had plenty of experiences with the unsolicited advice and unwelcome jabs people like to give.  The sweet elderly lady who says one of these unwelcome statements and doesn’t mean anything by it generally doesn’t bother me.  It’s the obvious nosiness, jabs and slams that do.  It’s the comments from my fellow women who SHOULD KNOW BETTER that sometimes do. But honestly, it doesn’t just happen to me.  It happens to WOMEN everywhere….whether single or in a relationship….whether a parent or not.  

I hear these stories over and over again.  In fact, other’s stories is what ultimately inspired me to write this PSA.  Believe it or not, I actually am not writing this because of anything that in particular that has happened to me personally.  I cannot put my finger on anything recent that has impacted me negatively.  I just feel like it’s time I speak out on our behalf…….and I feel like it’s time I say it louder for the ones in the back! 

[If you’ve said one or more than one of these, it’s okay.  We’ve all been there to some level.  Let’s just all learn to do better.  How bout that]?

Without further ado…..here we go:

  1.  “Why are you still single?  Aren’t you just about 30?  Isn’t it time you settle down and start a family?  What about your friend such and such?  Have you ever thought about dating them?”

Okay, I snuck a “5 in 1” in point number one, but I couldn’t pick just one.  I STILL get irritated for my single friends and feel total empathy when they get these kinds of comments made to them.  Why?  Because I remember this time in my life so well.  I made a promise to forever be an advocate for the single women in the world, and I have held to that.  I didn’t get married until age 33.  I also didn’t have my first baby until I was 3 weeks shy of 35, so I feel somewhat qualified to address these topics.

Just realize the reason “why” they are single is probably somewhat personal.  Maybe they just haven’t fallen in love yet.  Maybe they’re still not over their ex.  Maybe they have some healing to do.  Maybe they’re focused on their career.  Maybe they want more time.  Maybe things just aren’t working out.  Maybe it’s hurting their heart that things aren’t working out, and they don’t need another reminder of what they cannot change.  

Maybe they love their single life and are open to remaining single for good.  Single doesn’t have to mean lonely or unhappy, does it? Since when should a relationship status define anyone?  Maybe right now they are just enjoying friendships and hanging out with their fellow gal pals?  Maybe romance isn’t a huge desire at this moment.

Whatever the reason they remain single, they probably don’t want to talk about it with someone who isn’t a close friend. Also, they know their age, and they don’t need a reminder.  Maybe their age already slightly bothers them, and they don’t need salt rubbed in the wound.  Maybe they’re very confident and happy with where they are at, at this age.  Maybe “your time” isn’t their time, and more importantly, maybe it isn’t God’s time.  

Oh, and telling them they should date their friend probably isn’t some grand revelation they were needing.  Maybe their friend is like a sibling to them, and there isn’t any romantic connection.  Maybe they’ve talked about dating and just haven’t.  

Again.  Avoid these statements.  Avoid them.  Did I say, avoid them? 🙂  

[If you genuinely think you have someone to set them up with, that isn’t all bad – you may be able to introduce them to the love of their life.  Just be smart about it, think about their possible “taste and standards,” and don’t bring it up in a way that causes pressure].

2)  Now that you’re married, when are you going to start having kids?

Again….no just no.  

Maybe these newlyweds just want to enjoy some time as just the two of them.  

It could be that they’ve been trying, and they’re having infertility issues. Infertility seems to be on the rise, and it’s a very real, heart-breaking struggle.   I’ve watched so many amazing people go through this, and the last thing they need are these prying questions.

One step further.  Maybe this couple already knew before going into a marriage that one of them is unable to have children.  Maybe they’ve been aware of this situation their whole entire life. They aren’t just struggling to conceive – they know that biologically it just cannot happen, period.  This couple decided they wanted to be together, whether their story involves children or not.

Or, it could be that getting pregnant isn’t the issue:  Carrying full-term may be.  It could be that they’ve recently been through a miscarriage….or multiple.  One in four women experience at least one miscarriage in their life, and this too seems to be increasingly more common.  Once again, this question is the worst nightmare for a couple in this situation.  For all you know, the woman is currently in the middle of the emotional and physical pain of loss, right then and there.

Maybe the couple is waiting for their finances and job situations to feel more comfortable.  Maybe they want to wait until after they move and start that next chapter of life. 

Or hey, they could even be among those who have already simply decided that children isn’t for them, period.  Maybe they want a couple dogs, or maybe they don’t even desire pets.  Maybe they are two people who want to travel or focus on their careers without any strings attached.  If that be the case, they shouldn’t be shamed or put down for it.  Deciding one shouldn’t have children isn’t selfish.  Having children when one is unsure and “not all in” is what is actually selfish.  The decision to have children should not be a comparison game or a societal pressure.  It needs to be a personal desire and commitment.

We all have different stories, goals and desires in our lives and not everyone’s looks the same. Whatever the reason, again….never just assume.  It may not be what you think, and if it isn’t YOUR life….why do you REALLY have to know?

3)  Now it’s time for another!  Your son (or) daughter needs a sibling!

Sigh.  Can you tell I’ve been through all three stages of life?  When I got married, I knew the non-stop pregnancy questions would happen.  And I knew, as I was still healing and pumping breastmilk that people would start asking when #2 is coming.  I was right.  Can’t a woman heal, get used to parenting and/or get just a little bit of rest at night?  Is that too much to ask for?  Is it not acceptable for parents to catch their breath and to really soak it all in, and enjoy the moments with their first one before thinking about a second? Again, maybe this couple just wants to wait.  Maybe they aren’t the type to have their children super close together.   [My parents had all of us with 3-5 years in between because that was how they wanted it to happen.  I personally loved the way they chose to do it, and don’t know why people may be discouraged of making a similar decision in 2021].

[On the contrary, please stop shaming people that DO want to have their children close together.  If they have 6 children and they’re all only 13 months apart – that was their call.  It may not be your thing – but it’s theirs. Maybe they’ve always dreamed of a large family and all of their children growing up together, close in age. Personal preference shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern, unless of course, the children aren’t being properly cared for.  And hey, if you’re the caretaker or the one paying the bills, you may have a point.  Otherwise, no].

But, back to what I was saying:  Or, maybe this couple tried for #2, but had a miscarriage they kept secret.

….Or, maybe this couple got pregnant easily the first time, but are experiencing infertility this time around.

……Maybe their baby has special needs, and they really want to focus in on their one child.  Maybe the medical bills and intervention has already been pretty overwhelming.

….Along those lines, maybe they feel like they cannot afford a second child just yet.  It’s reasonable for people to think about the financial aspect too, right?

…..Maybe the mom even developed some health issues after baby #1?  Hey, maybe she already had to have a hysterectomy that you don’t even know about?  Women aren’t made of steel though it may sometimes seem like it.

Or gasp…..maybe this couple only feels led to have ONE child.  OR….maybe they want to adopt next time, and are waiting to do so.  Maybe they even want to be a foster parent. So many possibilities, guys.

I think most people who say/ask this question genuinely mean well and probably don’t see anything wrong with they’re saying, but this is just my friendly reminder:  The “when” question is seldom smart to ask.  I suppose you may sometimes get an excited woman who will answer, “Oh, I’m planning to be pregnant in the next couple months again, and I cannot wait”…….but just remember assumptions can be harmful.

4)  “Oh you’re using formula?  I breastfed all of my children until they were 2, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way…. OR…..Breastmilk is so much better for our children.  They will be smarter because of it.  Breastfed kids are so much more advanced.” [ANY kind of shaming for moms who choose formula over breastmilk.  Breastfeeding benefits’ education, encouragement and awareness is one thing.  Putting someone down or making them feel like a “bad mom” is another].

And here’s the fourth one I’ve been through to some level.  I think a majority of us WISH we could give our children breastmilk.  It’s kind of ingrained in us.  With that said, I’m here to tell you that whether they are breastfed or formula-fed, what matters is that they are getting fed and growing. 

I have a now very healthy, thriving, happy and intelligent almost 2 year old that was only breastfed for………*drum-roll*……6 weeks.  I tried.  I really, really did.

Now, I don’t feel obligated to explain anything.  I just want to.  I want to share the very encouragement I WISH I read while I was going through this struggle. 

I’m doing this for my fellow women:  Looking back, I actually unfairly put myself under a lot of undue stress, because I thought I was “supposed to” according to the societal stigmas.  Even as a full-term baby, my girl was born at preemie size.  And then of course, they can lose a little weight those first couple days after birth.  (She did).  That first month was honestly a blur of stress, pressure and anxiety.  Oh, I had a great support system:  It was just my first time doing this, and I encountered so many hurdles I didn’t expect.

This tired mama also returned to her full-time work only 5 1/2 weeks after giving birth, by choice (I almost returned sooner, but my Dr. was the one who wasn’t ready).  She soon agreed.  So, there I was, already a balancing act.  Since I was 16 years old, this was the LONGEST work “break” I had in 20 years, and we all know, “maternity leave” is hardly a break.

What’s more?  So much more.  (I think I may do a separate blog on this one day).  But anyways, to sum it up in short, Clara had the milk protein sensitivity.  Her little cherry-sized tummy was sensitive.  I completely eliminated dairy (AND soy) from my diet.  Anyone who has ever done this knows how hard it is.  Dairy certainly isn’t impossible to eliminate, but to also completely eliminate soy wasn’t so easy.  I’m not a big processed food fan, but if it didn’t come from the ground or straight from the farm, even a bite of it was pretty much out for me.  Even seasonings or things you don’t readily expect had one or both ingredients in it.  I managed a few weeks on a plain meat, veggies and fruit type of diet, and ate the few soy/dairy free options out there, but it became apparent that Clara still wasn’t growing her best on breastmilk.  That’s not to mention other additional hurdles we had with it.  It wasn’t even just the sensitivity itself. It got to the point that when I went to the lactation consultant, she looked me in the eye and said, “Honey, I was formula-fed, and I’m doing great today.  It is reasonable for you to go that route.”  Clara’s pediatrician then reminded me that “how I was feeling” mattered too.

And there we had it.  I swallowed all of my pride. I had tried, and formula was our way.  Soon after making the switch, Clara began growing rapidly and finally graduated to newborn clothes, and then 0-3, and on and on.  Now like I said, she’s a healthy almost 24 pound toddler, without any food allergies or sensitivities, as far as we know.

So if anyone wants to shame the route I took, all I can say is, “Her thriving was/is so much more important to me than any societal pressures.”  It’s okay, moms.  It really is.  I decided I will NEVER put myself through this kind of pressure again.  If it works……great!  If it doesn’t….that’s okay too!  Thank God for formula!

*And I also sincerely want to add:  If all of your children were exclusively breastfed, I do think you should be very proud of that.  I know that’s a big accomplishment and requires so much time, effort, love and sacrifice!  I know of some moms who have balanced this task even with working outside the home – (having to pump on lunch breaks and going into the mother’s room, etc. I think that’s amazing, and I admire this balance more than I can put into words). 

However, my point:  Just know that our paths to raising our children cannot all be the same.  Just know that ignorance, arrogance or throwing around the “kids will be so much smarter,” comment isn’t helpful to the mom who cannot make it work.  And it may very well not even be a thing like science claims.  A couple of the smartest people I know just happened to also be formula-fed babies as well.  My husband was one of those stubborn babies, in fact.  [While we were going through the sensitivity struggle with Clara, I jokingly asked him if this “smarter” theory meant he could’ve been a rocket scientist instead of an attorney then?  I mean, getting through law school and passing the bar exam alone, takes some brains.  Let’s be honest]. 

What matters most of all, is that our children thrive and get to growing.  Whatever the reason a mother chooses not to breastfeed, respect it, and mind your own – cool? AND if she chooses to breastfeed long-term, applaud her for a great accomplishment!  Let’s encourage one another ladies!  It’s already difficult enough to be a woman, and nothing is worse than women tearing down their fellow women.

5)  Women should stay at home with their children /OR Women need to contribute outside the home.

To put it plain and simple, both statements are insensitive.  Again, the decisions people make for their families are ultimately up to them.  We live in a world of double standards, and the comments aren’t always easy to stomach.

Let’s start with “women should stay at home with their children”:  Hello.  It’s 2021.  We are the SAME society that pushes for EVERYONE to go to college.  The same college that brings debt.  The same debt that makes graduates feel like they need a high paying job to pay off debt.  So which is it, guys?  I think there are A LOT of women in this world who would love nothing more than to stay home with their babies full-time, but they feel that they need to keep contributing to the income.  Also, last time I checked, “living” is expensive, whether it’s maintaining homes, vehicles, putting food on the table or general bills.  Some of the same people telling the woman to stay home are likely some of the same people who pushed her into college to begin with.  You can’t always have BOTH.  Hey, maybe she didn’t even go to college and living is STILL too expensive.  Maybe she came into the marriage debt-free and still feels the need to work outside the home.

Maybe it’s not even really about finances.  Maybe this mother is just simply a career woman.  Maybe she’s known ever since she was a little girl that she wanted to be a mom AND a full-time employee.  Nothing wrong with that, right?  Maybe she’s always wanted to be a Doctor, a teacher, a lawyer, a secretary…..whatever it may be.  If she spent all of those years in medical school, isn’t it reasonable that she may want to continue to utilize her degree?  Maybe staying at home all day makes her stir crazy, and it’s just not the best thing for her personally. 

In some cases, maybe the wife has the higher paying job than the husband. Maybe they ultimately decide the dad should be the one to stay home.  That’s okay too, folks!  Maybe she is a passionate dentist, and he doesn’t have a particular passion besides maintaining the home and caring for his children.  Rather than pay for childcare, they decide to make him the stay-at-home parent. As long as he is contributing, that’s their business, right? 

Now, moving along to, “Women need to contribute outside the home.”  Again, how is this anyone’s business, except the couple’s?  I know probably an equal amount of moms who work outside the home, as I do mothers who stay home.  Both women have a hard job. 

I have a confession:  [I am currently doing BOTH!  Just to be real….it’s challenging, but it’s doable in my case.  I realize in some cases it may not be.  I work 8-4:30 Monday-Friday on my laptop from home, while caring for my daughter in between.  I’m very thankful I’m able to do both, and I give God all the glory.  Pack n’ plays and cartoons are where it’s at.  And don’t even get on my case about my child watching some TV so that I can get work done].  But my point is, I get it.  I get that moms want to be home and raise their babies, rather than put them in the care of someone else.  They shouldn’t be put down for it, as long as they come to an agreement with their husband that it’s doable.  Now, if the woman is a wild spender or has a huge history of debt and her poor husband is working 3 jobs just to keep up…..that’s another story.  God has certainly never meant for us to take advantage of our husbands.  However, a mom who is happily working at home, taking care of her babies, cooking, maintaining the home and being a reasonable steward?  She’s working, and she’s working hard.  Applaud her!  I tend to think a majority of women are kind of geared towards wanting to be home as we know this has been kind of a traditional role throughout history.  I just think not many feel they are able to do so in 2021. 

Whatever the case, a woman is contributing, whether she’s working in the home, working outside the home….and hopefully, in my case, of balancing both at once.

I could probably easily make this list a top 10, and hey, maybe if this goes over well, I will make a part 2.  For now though?  C’mon ladies.  Do not pick on each other’s relationship, baby and employment statuses.  How about we avoid the “catty gossip hours?”  Life has an interesting way of taking us in different directions than we expect.  Maybe what you’re picking on today could be tomorrow’s new battle for you?  Let us remember too, we cannot possibly understand what we ourselves have never walked through.

How about we build each other up, be careful about assumptions and offer encouragement every chance we get?  Would you like a part 2 of “things to never say to your fellow women?”  Share your thoughts in the comment section below!

5 Steps to Striving for Selflessness in a Self-Absorbed Society

hollymarietong Budgeting, dating, design, Encouragement, frugal living, Nashville Music, Personal Growth, single life, weddings, Women in Music , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
5 Steps to Striving for Selflessness in a Self-Absorbed Society

When I created this blog, I vowed to share selfless content that would be beneficial to all in some way, shape or form.  Have I fallen short at times?  YES.  Have I probably shared some useless facts about me that didn’t really inspire or encourage anyone?  I have no doubt.  Have I wasted my time and someone else’s once or twice with a post that lacked substance?  Sigh.  I’m sure I have.  (Sorry!)

So here’s the deal:  In 2020, everyone and their sister, is now a lifestyle blogger or YouTube star.  Sharing makeup, fashion advice and the latest Target finds are about as 2020 as COVID-19 and face masks.  I’m certainly not knocking this line of work, as obviously, *I* am one of them.  No, I’m not a YouTube star, with a big following (so don’t look me up).  However, I’m “somewhat” in the lifestyle blogging world on a minor level.  I’m a wife, mom, full-time legal assistant, and publicist.  After that?  I post on here if I’m able, though I’m dying to make it more of a priority.  But first, I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

Image by Anastasia Gepp from Pixabay

Please understand:  I didn’t create a blog to be trendy, or as an excuse to quit my day job.  I didn’t create a blog so we could just talk about outer appearance, though there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to look your best.  My goal has been to focus more on character, legacy, faith and eternity, while still enjoying the here and now.  To enjoy the here and now, we need to love our homes, which means practical living tips are also of course a huge plus.

Writing is my passion – it isn’t some new thing for me.  Writing to me is like breathing.  I don’t do it in the hopes that I can be cool or popular.  I do it, because I don’t know how not to. Therefore, I am always seeking God’s help, and looking for the best outlets to not just hone my craft – but to most importantly, inspire others.  But tell me:  How can I do that?

I recently read a post on in a Facebook “girl’s group” I’m in.  It really, really, got me thinking.  Really.

Someone asked the group, if they subscribe to bloggers and/or what kind of blogs they enjoy.  A lot of the respondents had a similar response/view of bloggers.  The discussion left me feeling a weird combo of motivation and defeat (if that’s even possible):

This short little “survey” revealed that a lot of our non-blogging female peers consider most bloggers to be self-absorbed.  They aren’t interested in reading about “her life.”  Though this wasn’t their exact words, I picked up on what they were saying.  In a nutshell, they are basically interested in reading about “their life.”  They want to read blogs that benefit them, not just the blogger:  They want to hear about DIY home cleaning recipes, and how to make their Grandma’s easy homemade marinara sauce.  The majority isn’t really all that interested in seeing what is in Ellie’s makeup bag, or viewing an outfit that they cannot afford.  They don’t care about HER vacation or HER wedding, that they cannot afford. However, they may find her discount/money-saving tips valuable.  They may benefit from some of  her DIY tips in general, whether that be household cleaners, makeup, baking, wedding planning or vacationing.  They just want to know that it isn’t all about Ellie.  They want to know “what’s in it for them.” 

Basically, what readers want is authenticity and selflessness.  They want practical tips they can do on their own.  They want affordable, and they want fairly simple.  They don’t want to read 2,000 words, or read a huge backstory on a recipe.  They are mainly looking for the ingredients, what to set their oven at, and the baking time.

Photo by Adelaide Street Media

I grasped these truths a LONG time ago and vowed to be different, yet I still find myself wondering EXACTLY what my readers are most interested in.  I also find myself struggling to not be overly wordy while I’m at it.  Some of my blog posts have been well on their way to becoming a book, so I’m guilty.

Here’s a startling confession though:  I had zero problems getting millions of views on my pop culture column I used to run.  But when I make a blog about faith, character and legacy, with some practical living tips mixed in?  It’s much harder.  No, it’s not about views.  If it becomes about “views” then it becomes about the self-absorbed issue I’m talking about.  Still, how can I REALLY reach people with the kind of beneficial content that matters?  To me, pop culture isn’t the way to do that.

With that said, I want to do better going forward, and I need YOUR help.  YES you.

I don’t want this blog to just be about Holly.  Holly is just the messenger.  I want to KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT TO KNOW!  I want you to sound off in the comment section below.

LET ME KNOW:  Are you enjoying the Interior Design posts?  What practical tips would you like to know about Interior Design?  With most of us being home more often, I feel like now is the time for more “home” posts.  I don’t believe there has been any time more important than now to love the space we call “home.”  Tell me if I’m wrong.

Photo by Dawn D. Totty Designs

Would you like to see more easy recipe posts?  Frugal living tips? More DIY organization posts?  DIY cleaners?  More faith and encouragement posts?  All of the above?  What else?  What benefits YOU?  What would make YOU want to subscribe to a blog?

And because I want to leave YOU with something beneficial today…………Here are 5 steps to being selfless in a self-absorbed world:

  1.  Ask people how they are, and TRULY wait to hear the answer.  Don’t just ask, “how are you?,” and walk on.  Doing so, shows routine and obligation….not care and sincerity.  Wait until they actually tell you how they are and respond to them.  Go a step further, and listen to what’s going on in their life, without feeling the need to immediately interject what is going on in yours.
  2. Be a person of your word:  If you say you’re going to do something….do it.  Man, oh man.  God has really convicted me about this one over the years. Admittedly, I’m a bit of a procrastinator.  I don’t “lie” to people, or break my word on purpose.  But if I tell someone we will get together soon, I want to mean it and follow through.  Even if my life gets busy, I want to keep my word.  If I tell someone I’m going to help them with something or make them a handmade gift….I don’t want the weeks to fly by.  I want to be an “over deliverer.”  When I look around, I think a lot of us get into a lazy mindset.  And dang it.  I’m one of them, sometimes!  My Pastor has taught me SO MUCH about this topic over the years….but he hasn’t just taught it.  He LIVES it, even though thousands of people attend our church.  He ALWAYS follows through.  He remembers what he tells people and does it.  If he can do it, so can we!  With that said, this tidbit, just reminded me I need to RSVP to a friend’s shower for an invite I received a couple weeks ago.  This is what I’m talking about, friends!  (Points at self).  Don’t be the person not to RSVP, because then, you just keep the host guessing on how much food and seating they need.  What’s even worse?  RSVP’ing with a “yes,” only to be a no-show.  What’s also bad?  To not RSVP, and then to show up when they weren’t expecting you.  What else?  Don’t be the person to walk out of someone’s wedding reception before the food is served, when you KNOW the bride’s parents already paid for your plate.  They paid for your spot, because they wanted YOU to have it.  They could’ve chosen someone else. Unless you have an emergency or something pretty major come up, it’s rude and disrespectful to just leave.  Everyone understands that unforeseen things come up….. but catch my drift?  (Again, I know I’ve been a hypocrite in the past on some of these concepts (such as RSVP), but I’m learning.  I’m trying).

    SONY DSC
  3. Do something nice for someone without ANY motive.  There doesn’t always have to be a payment from the other party, a barter, or a “deal worked out.”  What if every now and then we went out of our way and did something nice for someone, “just because?”  I’m going to go ahead and say, I think this one may be one of my strengths.  I feel like I do this one a lot.  In fact, sometimes I feel like I’ve taken this one a little over the top at times….but I’m sure in God’s eyes there have been times I could’ve done more, for every single time I think I may have “given too much.” At the end of the day, I’d rather give too much than too little.  But guys, seriously, sometimes we really should take off our “business, money-making, hat” for a minute.  Not everything has to be a huge contract with a signature on the line.  Every now and then, how about just doing something nice for someone….just because we wanted to bless them?  I’m not suggesting we let ourselves get “walked all over,” because we DO have bills to pay.  Many of us have businesses to run and jobs to do.  But still….there can be a balance.  What if you randomly brought someone their favorite coffee?  Wrote a letter of encouragement and sent it the old snail mail way?  What if you picked someone up from the airport and decide to turn down the $20 bill they offer you?
  4. If you have a good experience with someone’s service or business, write up a nice 5 star review for them. It only takes a couple minutes.  Why not?  If you yourself have a service or business, you know you would like the kind reviews too.  What’s more?  You could even share their page, or promote their posts on YOUR social media page.  If our pages are ONLY full of selfies and/or our latest accolades, perhaps we need to reexamine.  We can spare and share a spot for others sometimes too, right?

    Photo by Dawn D. Totty Designs
  5. Allow yourself to be inconvenienced every now and then.  This kind of goes along with #3, but can be all its own in some ways too.  My Pastor talks about this point a lot as well.  He teaches us that we should walk through crowds slowly, and pay attention to the needs of those around us.  Maybe the LAST thing I want to do on a Saturday night is give someone a ride 30 minutes across town, but just maybe, sometimes I should.  Maybe on that 30 minute ride, I’ll be able to give them encouragement.  Maybe they will get out of my car blessed and inspired.  Maybe sometimes we should lighten a co-worker’s load…..just because we can.  Maybe sometimes we should talk to that sweet elderly woman at the grocery for 15 minutes…..just because we can.  Maybe she needs your company more than you need to get home and cook dinner.  Allowing yourself to be inconvenienced every now and then is perhaps the unofficial definition of “selflessness.”

    Image by Rebecca Matthews from Pixabay

So there you have it.  The bottom line is, everyone is craving authenticity and selflessness.  People love to see kindness without motive.  Yes, the world craves “love,” as it is always said…..but without authenticity and selflessness, love isn’t genuine.  It doesn’t exist.  Love is easy.  True selflessness requires more effort.  No matter what our schedule or career path is, every day we have a chance to be an example of  “selflessness.”

I’d love hear your thoughts on all of the above:  Sound off in the comment section below!

When God Says “No”

hollymarietong dating, Encouragement, Personal Growth, single life , , , , 0 Comment
When God Says “No”

“Just because he doesn’t answer…..doesn’t mean he don’t care.  Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

Yes, I  just quoted some lyrics to a Garth Brooks hit.  To start, Garth is one of my favorite singers of all time.  I also love the idea behind the “Unanswered Prayers” song and always have.  In fact, for many years, it was like an anthem in my life.  I think it is a very well-intended song, and I get what the message is at the core. (The man in the song winds up thankful that he didn’t end up with his high school flame).  When he runs into her later in life, he’s so glad he ended up with his wife instead.  He thanks the good Lord for not giving him what he wanted all those years ago).  I do relate.

In my own world, I’m very thankful God didn’t say “yes” to any of the men I met prior to Kyle.  Some of them were great guys with incredible families, but we just weren’t right for each other in the long run.  Therefore, I’m thankful that they also found the one who was better suited for them.

Others…..well, I’ll just be nice and say, I was spared of a lot of heartache.  Disaster would have been certain.  However, I root for ALL of them. With all of that said, I’m glad that I ended up with Kyle instead of someone else, and that God knew what was better for me far better than I knew what was better for me.

Now, hear me out for a bit.  After many years of investing in my relationship with the Lord and trying to get to know him on a deeper level, I don’t believe “unanswered prayers” is the correct term here.   I believe God answers ALL of our prayers – just not always in the way we expect, or think we want at the time.

I believe a “no” is still an answer to prayer, because when he gives us a “no,” he’s doing so to protect us in some way.  Always answering “yes” would be him agreeing to “our will” instead of his own.

It’s like I said in my “Chick Flicks Lie” book back in 2014 (to paraphrase), when God doesn’t give us what we want, he is either “saving us from something…..or for something.”

And let me tell you – he has saved me so many times.  So many more times than I could ever deserve.  I can look back and see different times when he both saved me from something…..and for something.

…..Because he always knew when a “yes” would destroy my walk, or his purpose for me.  He always knew when a “yes” would bring me financial ruin.  He always knew when a “yes” would keep from living my best life.  He always knew when a “yes” would keep from meeting the right man for me.  He always knew when a “yes” could wind up bringing me stress and heartbreak.  He always, always knew….and he always, always answered.

Today, I know, a combination of his “yesses” his “nos,” and his “not yets” are what has brought me to this happier, more peaceful time in my life.

I believe we need to make a habit of thanking him for ALL of his answers, whatever they may be, because he is the one who sees the big picture.  We only see one step at a time.  Our heavenly father sees the whole staircase.

This is why Proverbs 3:5-6 remains one of  my favorite verses:

Proverbs 3:5-6 

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

The other day, I had yet another revelation in this area.  Though I won’t get into all of the details, almost 4 years ago, I was determined to make a major change in my life.  In “MY” understanding, this change made perfect sense.  There was a door that appeared to be open, and I was so desperate for change that I tried to walk through that door.  I was relying on my own logic instead of on Him.

It looked like I was going to “get” what I thought I wanted…….but God firmly said, “no.”  

When he said “no,” I was honestly confused.  I must admit that even my ego was a bit bruised, and I try not to have an ego.

I suddenly felt inadequate and like I was no longer “at the top of my game.”  It brought me down a few notches and made me question myself.  It certainly humbled me to say the least.  Looking back though, I clearly remember never actually feeling at “peace” about that transition.  Oddly, a part of me was almost glad the door slammed shut.  It’s very difficult to explain the mix of emotions.

During that frustrating time, I was also seeing someone who was completely wrong for me.  I knew deep down he was wrong for me.  However, he was persistent, and I had developed a “whatever” attitude about that area of my life.  He lived life on the road, and I found myself figuratively going down the same road I had already been on one too many times. I resented the road I was on, yet I was on it all the same.

I was tired….so tired.

I was too tired to notice that God had recently introduced me to my future husband.  He was disguised as a new co-worker.  Someone I just kind of thought would be a new acquaintance who I would see in passing from time to time.

I was too tired to notice that the Lord was busy moving mountains in my life.  It just “appeared” that nothing was happening.

I was too tired to notice that he was saying “no” to that one opportunity, because he was instead bringing me to a much greater “yes.”

I was too tired to notice that if he had agreed to “my will,” NONE of my beautiful future (the now) would have been possible.  Me getting my way would have resulted in ruin on many levels.

Now, fast forward…..here we are in 2019.  I said “yes” to that co-worker, and we have now been married for 2 years.  Our relationship is the polar opposite of any and all past relationships I had.  God knew I needed the opposite.  I would say I now also have the daughter I’ve always dreamed of, but honestly, she’s even greater than I could have imagined.

Jesus Christ remains the foundation of my life – and with him as the foundation, I experience stability and peace each day.  Life isn’t always easy, but I always know he has my back.

Now, here is the kicker:  Just the other day, another huge reason for that “no” he gave me four years ago was revealed.  Again, I won’t get into the specifics and the whys, but let’s just say, hindsight is 20/20.

Sometimes, we don’t necessarily get to see the reason for the “no”…..but sometimes (like in this case), the reason winds up being revealed in big, bold, flashing, neon lights.

If he had said “yes,” instead of “no,” not only would I not have Kyle and Clara today, but I would have had the rug completed yanked out from under me in SO many other areas.  I likely would have been stressed beyond measure and felt my world crumbling in all areas.  Just thinking of all the ways my life almost went in the wrong direction made me anxious.

I pictured myself trying to keep up my home on my own. I pictured foreclosure.  I pictured myself jobless and crying about broken dreams.  I pictured myself in great distress and having no idea where to go from there.  I tried to picture life without Kyle, Clara and the amazing family I married into…..and I just couldn’t.  I didn’t want to.

….Thankfully I was able to shut off that depressing “short film,” and thank the Lord for his “no” four years ago. I was able to smile about where I am now.  Because He is the Lord of my life, “He saved me from something and for something,” just like he has so many times before.

He did answer my prayer.  He always has and always will.

Sometimes we just have to stop and thank Him for his “no’s,”.……because sometimes, his no’s are the greatest answer to prayer of all.

Jamie Burke: Turning Setbacks Into Comebacks

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Jamie Burke: Turning Setbacks Into Comebacks

When Jamie Burke made the move to Nashville, she had big plans and big dreams in the entertainment industry. In fact, her latest song and video, “Drive” describes her journey quite well.  Today, she still plans, but she hands God the eraser.  She still dreams, but her greatest dream is fulfilling God’s purpose for her life.

Though Jamie has undoubtedly enjoyed success and celebrated accomplishments, she has also experienced a great deal of curveballs, detours and adversity along the way.  She was first known for her high energy performances and breakup songs.  Then, she thought she finally found her Prince Charming….but then, it came to a screeching halt.

To top it all off, it happened very publicly.  Friends starting choosing sides, but Jamie chose the high road.

When 2018 brought her some of the most difficult challenges of her life, she knew she ultimately had two choices:  1.  Give up. OR 2.  Give it all to God.

……….She chose and continues to choose #2.

“God has truly manifested Himself into my life and my heart this year. I have had to rely on Him more than ever before. I whole-heartedly believe this was the year that God humbled me and made me realize not only am I not in control of the world around me, but that it’s ok, because He IS! As a definitive type A woman, this took me a while to be okay with,” reflects Burke.

As part of the “let go and let God” process, she found herself having to set free more than she ever envisioned.  Doors were closing and pages were turning, and in all of that uncertainty, she was reminded of her greatest certainty:  Jesus Christ.

“I have also lost a lot of relationships I was holding on to – some of these for too long.  I got to a place of wondering why I was alone.  Then, I found myself relying on Him for strength and direction, then realizing I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies when it came to relationships and friendships,” says Burke.

As she grows closer to the Lord and continues to remind herself of his promises, she feels the strong pull to purposely use the gifts he’s given her for His glory.  She knows he’s given her the gift of music to connect and to encourage.  She isn’t going to allow her adversities to happen to her in vain – she is going to allow Him to use the bad for the good.  She plans to be a light and to allow even her art and songwriting to go through the transformation process with her.

“2018 has been a year of growth, opportunity, and change. I have had some very high highs and some not so fun lows. I feel like I have grown a lot this year as not just a songwriter and artist, but as a woman.  I have learned to really respect myself, to be more empathetic and perceptive towards others, to appreciate little moments and to be more in the moment. As a writer I have learned to be okay with not sticking to one genre as well being more vulnerable and experimental with my lyrics and story telling,”  shares Burke.

Like most singers and songwriters in Music City, Jamie once felt the pressure to reach a certain level to consider herself “successful.”  Today though?  She is also free from that pressure.

“I believe God has spoken to me and worked in my heart in a very clear and obvious way that FAME is not something any of us should be seeking, which I think is something that is easy to do in the music/entertainment industry. He has really made me realize that while He has given me gifts and talents that should be used, it should never be about the fame that could and can come with it,” says Burke.

“I’ve had my eyes opened to really understand the impact of my music/art, and to really appreciate those moments where a stranger reaches out and says I inspire them or that they really love one of my songs.  Making a difference has become what matters to me,” she continues.

Speaking of encouraging strangers, Jamie has a lot to add.  She wants her fellow women to know that not only does fame not bring validation, but neither does our beloved social media world.

“I’d really like other women to know that social media really doesn’t validate you. Just because your photo didn’t get X amount of likes or you don’t have as many followers as this girl or that person, does not mean you are less beautiful, less valuable, less talented, or less interesting,” she encourages.

With her new chapter, has come new confidence…….but not the kind of confidence that happens from social media compliments or human approval.  In fact, she’s taken notice to not just how pressure-filled, but also how shallow, social media can really be.

“I see so many women my age who are just flat out trying so hard to look important, rich, skinny, fabulous, pretty or sexy.  They’re not even promoting a product or anything – just women trying to validate themselves.  I imagine a world where POOF….instagram is gone, BOOM….Facebook is gone.  Are you suddenly not important?  We allow ourselves to get sucked into that world and frankly, it’s almost like a double-life.  It’s all fake and manipulated,” Jamie says emphatically.

She wants other women to know that their real friends will call them, that their family loves them without or without filters and that check-ins aren’t vital.

“For me, this is another BIG area God has worked in me.  I now feel like social media is just a means of promotion and business marketing, but as far as airing every second of my personal life?  Dunzo.  Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt,” she says with certainty.

There are a few areas of her personal life that she doesn’t mind airing, however:  She has been knocked down, but she got right up.  She has been hurt, but she is allowing herself to heal.  She has been the subject of gossip, but she chooses to press on.  Most importantly, she chooses to love and she chooses to trust her healer and her helper. As a result, she is pressing on, enjoying the simple things and looking forward to the future.

“I feel like I am starting on my comeback! I’ve had a lot of setbacks this year. For example, people can get very brave online and post whatever they want about you, which is really disheartening at times. Most of it is not true…the rest is a misconstrued version of the truth. That has been hard for me. I wanted to fight back against allegations and gossip, but I decided to stay quiet, let things pass over, and just talk to you about it after the dust settles. Have I made mistakes? Yep. I’m human. We all have. I just got lucky and had things broadcast under a microscope. Have I learned from those mistakes? Yep…and I didn’t need any outside opinions or influence,”  shares Burke.

Though she had reason to become angry, she instead chose to build a strong foundation with the bricks thrown at her.  She also didn’t accept the invite to get bitter – she instead chose to get better.

“Those who know me know all the things I’ve struggled with – serious and heavy setbacks, but I’ve tried to maintain a positive attitude.  Most importantly, I’ve tried to be QUIET and LISTEN to God. What is He wanting me to do? Where does He want me to go? When I started listening is when big things began to happen. God picked up all the broken pieces of my heart and my life and said ‘these pieces are a great foundation to build something awesome on’. In doing this, I started to feel JOY and feel like I gained a lot of perspective on life, relationships, and the world around me,” says Burke.

As she began to experience a peace and joy unlike ever before, God began to talk to her about some of the other dreams he’s given her.

“I started my fashion line called 40 East. This is something I’ve always wanted to do,” reveals Burke.

Since she sincerely wants to design for the right reasons, she also donates a portion of each sale to St. Jude.

“I make custom tees, tanks, accessories and more and design everything, solely by myself,” says Burke.

In addition to to pouring herself into design, her passion for music is as strong as ever.

“I’ve also written more songs in the last 6 months or so than ever before and am halfway done with my upcoming 3rd EP/CD,” announces the Nashville entertainer.

“As I keep writing, the ‘problem’ has become ‘ok, what do I want to put on this record, what stories do I want to share, and production wise, where do I want this all to go?’  I’ve noticed that I am not just writing country anymore. I feel like I have grown as a songwriter and artist and used to put myself in a box of ‘I’m going to write this kind of music, I’m going to sound like this artist or that artist.’  Now, I’m just like, ‘I really like the way this sounds’ or ‘ya know what, I’m in a rock mood today’ or ‘I’m feeling this EDM track a lot.’  Collaborations and getting out of my comfort zone are more fun and more appealing,” she explains.

Alongside her love for the arts, she remains active in other various adventures.

“I’ve also been really fortunate to be modeling and doing all kinds of other projects now which I believe has come with the confidence and place I’m at right now,” says Burke.

“As this year or so has come to fruition, I feel like people have noticed a change in me…the way I carry myself has just become a more confident and self-aware person. I don’t believe this has anything to with my appearance! I believe this is 100% confidence in knowing God’s got this, confidence in who I am and what I can not only just offer in relationships and business opportunities, and an overall new approach to my health and fitness,” she continues.

Though her year was full of challenge, Jamie ultimately has come out victorious.  She’s turned her trials into triumphs and her fears into faith.  Rather than looking in her review mirror, she remains focused on the road ahead.

“When you are a genuinely happy person who is ok with who she is, I think the world can see from the inside out. I am staying busy on music and other projects, focusing on healing and health, listening to God and being open to whatever life is going to offer me. I am excited to see what the rest of this year and next year have in store for me…because while I’ve had some mountains to climb and major setbacks…I’ve learned…A setback is just a set up for your comeback!”

To learn more about Jamie and to listen to her music, visit her website.

To keep up with Jamie, follow  her Facebook pages for both her music and latest fashions.

10 Simple Reasons Your 30’s Are Better Than Your 20’s

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10 Simple Reasons Your 30’s Are Better Than Your 20’s

I was once terrified of the big 3-0.  Terrified.  Believe me when I say, I have since gotten over that.

Maybe you’re an amazingly satisfied 20-something-old who has just clicked on my post for humor.  Maybe you’re thinking you can’t possibly be convinced that 30 is better.  Well…give me a few minutes to at least try.  First of all, don’t be mad at me.  I’m not telling you that your present isn’t awesome.  I’m simply telling you your future can be even better.  I’m telling you to be excited and optimistic for what’s ahead.

I was once you.  Believe it or not, I was you just a few years ago.  Now, I’m not just 30.  I’ve been a member of the 30’s club for over 3 years now.  In 2 years, I’m going to be halfway through this age bracket.

It’s funny how much I love the very time period in my life I was once so afraid of.  It’s funny how I thought I was losing something.  Little did I know, when I let go of one decade, I was letting go to gain something greater.

Some may look at my social life from 5-10 years ago and say….”But, Holly!  Your life used to be SO much more eventful!”

To them I would say, “You’re right….and that’s why I don’t really miss that time in my life.”

Did I have some incredible times in my 20’s?  YES!  I have stories galore, and I could go on and on and on…..  I would never take back those years, but here are some standard reasons why I have come to believe that 30’s are even better.

  1.  You worry less about what people think.  Do I still care a LITTLE sometimes?  Sure, but not NEARLY as much as I did as a 20-something-year-old.  As long as I’m being a good representative for Christ, I’m pretty much good with whatever people think, whether it’s that I gained a few pounds, or that I have a few more wrinkles than I used to.  They can even think I’m weird or speculate about my personal life while they’re at it for all I care. Unless they’re paying my bills or determining my future in any big way…..I’m not losing a wink of sleep at night.
  2. You’re simply more secure in your own skin.  While I still believe in looking my overall best (and I’m not suggesting you don’t), there comes a point when you realize there is so much more to life than outer beauty.  Maybe you’re younger than 30 and already there, but for me, I feel like the huge earth-shaking revelation came in my 30’s.  It’s what going on inside that matters most, and if I’m secure with my inside and secure in Christ….I’m secure in general.  Enough said.
  3. You become better at picking and choosing your battles.  There comes a time when you realize what matters and what doesn’t…..what will matter five years from now and what won’t.  You grow to discover that not every battle is yours to fight.  Let the Lord fight your battles for you.  (Exodus 14:14)
  4. Better financial situation.  Now, maybe this doesn’t apply to everyone.  This of course depends on what you take on and when.  However, by their 30’s, the average person is at least seeing their college loans on the decrease (if of course they’ve been consistently paying since their 20’s).  Though the light at the end of the tunnel may still be dim….it’s now a light, nonetheless. They’re also getting rid of credit card debt and working on that credit score.  We typically grow into better jobs and pay scales at this time in our lives, or at least have the confidence to begin the transition from unhappy situations.  We’ve had some time to prove ourselves and time to build experience. It’s a good time to be an even stronger professional than ever before.
  5. You know who you are or are almost there.  At this point, you’ve likely at least figured out who you’re not, even if you’re still working “that job.”  You are more self-aware.  You are aware of your likes, your dislikes, your hopes, your dreams…..and the fact that you can’t stay up until 2 am or handle spicy foods like you used to.  😉
  6. Maturity in the relationship department.  Okay, so maybe it’s just me, but my 30’s REALLY changed my approach to relationships.  By your 30’s, you’ve hopefully figured out your worth if you didn’t in your 20’s.  For me, I met every kind of guy in my 20’s.  It was a time of lesson learning.  Certain career pursuits didn’t match up well with my life.  I learned how important it was to be on the “same page.” By my 30’s, I really knew what I was looking for and what I wasn’t.  I could quickly discern who was serious and who wasn’t. I decided what my red lights and green lights were….and I knew what I was willing to compromise on and what I wasn’t.  Consequently, I tied the knot at 33.  I still have a lot of unmarried friends in their 30’s, but I can guarantee, like me, they didn’t come this far to settle on anything less than what they deserve.  When I got to my 30’s, I decided I was only going to get married if I felt that person added a lot of value and smiles to my already fabulous/comfortable life.  I decided my now husband did….and does.
  7. 30’s are a wiser time….yet you’re still young.  It’s like having the best of both worlds.  Though you feel a little more seasoned and experienced in your 30’s….you still look young and are considered young.  You may not be able to stay out or up all night like you used to….but you’re still young.  The only person who thinks you’re even remotely old is a teenager, and who cares what they think about “age” anyways? Are they paying your bills?  (Refer back to #1) 😉
  8. You begin to enjoy and appreciate the little things more.  I’m now entertained by things I never would have been entertained by 10 years ago.  I love simplicity now and it’s a beautiful thing.  I like listening to the rain while cuddled up under the covers, and I actually notice the fall colors more now.  Years back, I was way too busy to notice or to enjoy anything.  I actually get excited when I get a drawer organized, or receive some great new kitchen supplies.  I hated history as a kid, but I love it now.  I enjoy visiting with the elderly and inspiring the young.  I officially realize how blessed I really am for everyone and everything I have.
  9. If you haven’t figured out who your friends are and who they’re not….you’re just about there.  By the time you hit 30, high school is a distant memory.  Even college mostly becomes a distant memory.  By this time in your life, you’ve likely figured out who is who in your life:  Who is meant to stay in your boat, and who is meant to be only an acquaintance from here on out.  By now, you’ve had enough time to figure out loyalty and trust levels.  You also have had enough time to know who is like-minded and who isn’t….who encourages you and who brings you down.  Since 30’s are that time where you care less….quality becomes so much more important than quantity.  If you’re in 30’s and your life is still full of drama brought on by your friends….you’re doing it wrong.
  10. The value of life becomes even more clear.  As you notice time flying by, you become more aware of the value of life.  You realize it’s moving fast, that everyone around you is getting older, and you’ve finally grasped that life really is short.  As a result, all of the above ^^^^ takes place….and somehow, worrying about unimportant things becomes less important.

If you’re in your 30’s and you disagree with this list, well, now is a good time to start enjoying your best life.  Maybe you’re older than 30 and these things took you longer.  That’s okay too.  It varies for everyone, but this has been my general experience and the experience of many around me.

The bottom line is…  Laugh more, worry less, stay open to love if you haven’t yet found it, let go of the past, set new goals and remember HE will direct your path.  (Proverbs 3:5-6).  If you’re a teen or in your 20’s……you’re welcome in advance.  Your best days are still ahead of you.  🙂

15 things to never say to a “single” person

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Remember how I said I’ll forever relate to singles and forever understand them?  I meant it.  While I’m thrilled to be walking down the aisle soon, it doesn’t mean:   A).  That I’ve forgotten the struggle I once had, and the struggle so many people I love are still going through and B).  That I’m only going to talk to the engaged and married folks now.  God reminds me often (though I fail to blog as often as I should) that I’m not to forget the road I walked before Kyle.  He also reminds me I can be a fairly unique voice in this area (as can many of my gal pals).

“Meant to be at 33” is what I like to call this time in my life.  I’m not shy about admitting that I’m getting married for the first (and only time) a few weeks after my 33rd birthday.

I can hear some of you saying, “Oh, but you’re still so young!”

I say to you…well, unless you got married at this same age or older, and/or are still single yourself, say no more about my youngness, k?

I’m getting married later than average no matter what you may feel like telling me.  I wouldn’t have it any other way though.  In hindsight, I completely see why God had me wait longer.  I didn’t see it then, but I see it now.

I know I was not and still am not “entitled” to having a forever man….not at 23, 33, 43, or ever for that matter.  I know my fiance is a blessing.  I know many who are still waiting for that blessing in their own life.

I know I could very well still be in the position I was in just a year ago.  While I believe my single friends will ultimately one day find the person of their dreams, I remind myself to be very careful with what I say to them. I admitted in a previous blog that just because a few of the cliches I hated hearing like, “it happens when you’re least expecting it,” and “you’ll find someone one day,” came true for me, doesn’t mean I should make a habit of using those cliches on my friends.  They’re not ready to hear it yet, just like I wasn’t ready to hear it then. It also may not happen for them the same way it did for me, so why act like I know something they don’t?

As I feel blessed to be surrounded by all the love, assistance and well wishes that planning a wedding brings, I can’t help but wish that just a little more love, assistance and well wishes would be given to singles overall.  It’s just not culturally popular…and I wish it were.  While I’m extremely grateful to receive all of this now (and some have always given me it to me even as a single), I can’t help but wish there were more affirmation, positivity and resources surrounding the single life.

I know people often think of helping a young couple or a family, and I’m ALL for that, but I feel like people less often think about helping the single person, or seeing what they may need.  I’m not speaking for myself or for everyone here.

I’m saying, let’s just say you have an extra set of brand new dishes at home that you’d like to bless someone with:  While I’m not AT ALL against you giving them to the young married couple, why not also consider the single girl across the street that you know works super hard?

I can’t speak for all married couples, but I know I’m financially going to be better off as a married person, than I have been as a single person.  I think sometimes society sees “single,” and sees money and no one else to support, except themselves.  The problem is a single person often means paying double the bills, unless of course, said single wants to get a roommate.  The bottom line:  Let’s remember our single friends too!  Also, just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you can only have couples as friends.  No need to be part of a “married only’s clique,” or to get all high and mighty just because your relationship status has changed, right?

Now I’ve lived on both sides of the fence.  I can tell you that while relationships take work, the single life is overall the harder position to be in.  While I felt a great sense of strength and independence in that position, I faced more challenges overall.  Yes, some days I enjoyed the heck out of my single life.  I lived that life to the fullest every day.  However, I would rather have this life, than my former life.  I’m not going to lie about that.  I’m very thankful for my former life and wouldn’t ever take it back, but I’m not going to pretend it was a cake walk.  In fact, I’m going to acknowledge that it wasn’t on many levels.

While I don’t understand 30 years of marriage yet, I do understand what it’s like to be as single as spaghetti without the Ragu.  I also understand what it’s like to have someone wanting to protect me, to provide for me and to commit to me for the rest of our lives.

Now, with all of that said, the first best thing you can do for your single friends is try to avoid saying the wrong things.  Some are truly happy to be single.  Some people love the solitary life.  Some are very go with the flow…whenever it happens…it happens, kind of people.  (I was that way most days, but definitely not all days).  Some hurt every day over past relationships and past injustices.  Some worry about their future, and if they have a future in love at all.  Most though? They have something in common.  They don’t really need your advice and your attempt at consoling them, unless they ask for it, cry on your shoulder or vent to you.  I’m just saying guys.

Here are my top 15 never say to your single friends, statements:

  1.  “Married life is so hard.  My husband can be such a jerk.  Being single is where it’s at.  I’m actually envious of you and all of this freedom you get.”  Really now?  Really?  I don’t know all situations, but if one’s husband seems to be working hard, being an honest upstanding person, providing for them, and isn’t cheating on or abusing them, no one wants to hear it.  At all.  Likely, the person making this statement KNOWS they don’t really want to be back in the dating world, so why pretend they do?  It isn’t fooling anyone, and frankly, it’s really really annoying.
  2. “God needs to see you fully trusting him and being happy with him, and him alone, before he can give you a mate.” – (Says the 22 year old who is indirectly saying that THEY were the perfect Christian when they found their mate).  Umm…you’re not fooling us, sister.  You can’t speak for God here.  Maybe God KNOWS this fine single person is fully trusting him, and happy with him, but maybe he needs them to wait a little longer than you, for other reasons or plans he has for them. Maybe the person you’re saying this to is VERY in tune with God and celebrates the joy of the Lord every day….yet they still struggle with loneliness some days, or just feel ready for that next chapter that doesn’t seem to be happening.  Don’t tell them how to feel, assume their doing it wrong or minimize their faith.  Don’t make them feel not good enough.  Maybe they’re even good at being single….but well, they’re like 35, which is like 10 years older than you when you got married – so maybe you shouldn’t be the person telling them this, eh?  It’s not unreasonable that they feel “ready.”
  3. “When are you going to settle down and get married?  What about having kids?  What are you waiting for?”  This one pretty much speaks for itself.  For one, it’s no one’s business, but their own.  Two, they may struggle with why it isn’t happening for them.  Three, some of my friends, for instance, even already know they can’t conceive children.  It’s understandably a very hurtful subject for them.  These things should just never be asked…..ever.
  4. “You’re just too picky!  I can’t believe you weren’t interested in him!”  There are a lot of things wrong with this statement.  Where shall I begin?  No one should ever be told to lower their standards.  That is how this statement will feel no matter how it is said. Often the very person who says this is the very person who wouldn’t be interested in that failed potential either.  Yes, there are extreme cases…BUT picky is better than settling or taking the plunge before one is ready.  Since marriage is designed to be forever, it’s only smart to be picky.
  5. “You find them when you least expect it!”  I’ve mentioned this one A LOT lately.  Yes, this ended up happening in my life.  Yes, I was kind of annoyed that this was “how” it happened for me since I hated this cliche soooooo much, but the truth is, singles hate these words…and I understand why.  Been there, heard that, got the t-shirt.
  6. “Man…you get to travel and do whatever you want!  I want your life!”  Just don’t.  They’re probably broke and all their potential travel friends are probably also either broke or busy with their family lives.  Just don’t.
  7. “Work on you!”  Yes, some do need time to be single to work on them…but it’s probably best not to put it in those words. Even just “focus on you” sounds better.  Don’t assume they’re a piece of work.  It just beats them down and makes you look high and mighty.
  8. “Join a single’s group, do online dating etc.”  Again, these fine independent strong folk don’t usually need advice unless asked for.  They’re not living under a rock.  They probably know they can join this stuff if they want to.  You’re not teaching them anything new! 🙂
  9. “Man I pity you being in the dating world.  I couldn’t do it!”  How encouraging!
  10. “You don’t need a man!”  You’re right I don’t “need” a man….but apparently you do considering you’ve been married to your high school sweetheart for 30 years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m GLAD your marriage has worked.  That’s God’s will in fact….but singles really don’t need to hear this from you since you well,…..don’t get it?
  11. “You must be doing something wrong.  Let’s talk about what it is.”  No…..just no!
  12. “You’ve got time!”   This is equally just as bad as “time’s a-wasting.”  Someone married with three kids saying this to a single in their 30’s who hasn’t even begun the family journey, just isn’t a smart thing to do on any level.
  13. “Have you ever thought about dating your friend __________?”  Chances are you’ll just make things really really awkward.  They’ve either thought about it, talked about it with their friend, or never ever even entertained the thought ever.  Said friend may very well be like a sibling to them.  You’re not pointing out some new revelation to them, okay?
  14. “You’re too smart, too pretty, or too good.”  Yeah, that’s going to solve things….letting them know that unless they dumb themselves down, stop taking care of their physical appearance, or stop being so morally good, that they’ll end up single for life…
  15. “It was about time “I” or “they” get married.”  I saved this one for last because this was perhaps one of the most offensive statements ever made to me when I was in the midst of being completely single.  I was happy with my life overall, but this statement rubbed me so wrong.  I was talking to someone with a daughter younger than me who had recently gotten engaged.  This particular woman KNOWS I’m older than her daughter, and KNEW I was single at the time.  I was nice and congratulated her on her daughter’s engagement.  It couldn’t stop there though.  She proceeded to look me in the eye and say, “well it was about time!!!!” (as if it was absolutely shameful).  I could’ve laughed it off I suppose, but I recognized the dig and didn’t feel like letting her get away with it.  I instead politely looked her back in the eye and said, “Is it really about “time,” or is it more important to find the right person no matter how long that may take?”  I really caught her off guard.  Anyways, yeah….just don’t say this.

Alright guys.  There are probably a million more annoying statements, but this is all I have tonight.  I know I’ve graduated from hearing these statements, but graduating from these statements mean I’m heading for the annoying world of “when are you having kids, how many are you having and when do you plan to have another?,” world.  We all have our struggles.  Let’s learn to better understand one another.  What do ya say?  🙂